LotR MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What follows here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and sometimes just plain mean MST. Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com) and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my humble offering in homage.
It helps if you have seen the extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, listened to the commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing familiarity of the LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then you’ll recognize a couple of the character traits portrayed here. And, with each of my MSTs it grows progressively more useful to have read the previous ones.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do love them—especially Faramir, yum…) and for the authors, Gabriel’s Angel & Wiccan_Vamp_Violet. I have no idea who the preceding folks are, but kudos to you, girls (or boys). Never, ever stop writing. I mean that seriously.
To infinity, and beyond!
Théoden: That was the best entertainment I’ve had since Grandpa Fengel had a bit too much ale and tore up Edoras on an unbroken stallion. Bareback. Stark naked.
Gríma: You’ve been a bit lacking in the quality entertainment department.
Éomer: C’mon, lil G! You didn’t think the Hobbiton Battle of the Bands was everything it promised to be? Vicious Thud kicked ass! Éowyn’s officially a groupie.
Éowyn: I never could resist a man with shaggy hair and tight leather pants.
Faramir: That explains the attraction to me, then.
Éowyn: Let me rephrase that. I never could resist a man with shaggy hair, tight leather pants, and a nickname consisting of three P’s, two I’s and one N.
Pippin: Merry, who’s she talking about?
Merry: Here’s an apple, Pip.
Elrond: Ah, I see Gabriel’s Angel has returned.
Faramir: The one who scripted me as a simpering nightmare-prone, storm-scared pussy?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Wasn’t it nice to be scripted as you are, for once?
Faramir: *to Boromir* One more word out of you and I’ll have you on the carpet!
Aragorn: Back-up
smut, in case the story’s tame!
Faramir: *to Aragorn* That was
nowhere near the ‘have’ I meant.
Gandalf: Regardless, Gabriel’s Angel’s not done too poorly with this.
Elrond: Reasonable attention to spelling and grammar.
Frodo: *to Elrond* What are you going to do the whole time?
Elrond: *to Frodo* Catch up on my beauty sleep. I couldn’t get an appointment with my Botox girl until next week.
Gandalf: Management has given us leave to take it easy on the actual structure of the story…
Frodo: …Unless Elrond absolutely cannot contain himself…
Gandalf: Ahem. Management has also told us the content is relatively good, insofar as these sorts of stories are concerned.
Boromir: So what the hell are we doing here?
Galadriel: We’re here for the opportunity to take the piss. Specifically, of Faramir.
Boromir: *whines* But we can insult Faramir any time. I gave up the Rohan vs. Gondor footy match for this, and both teams are really strong this year!
Faramir: This is SO unfair.
Celeborn: *to Boromir* If it’s any consolation, the story’s rated NC-17.
Boromir: …Finally! A story that promises excitement.
Arwen: Ew, Boromir, put something over your lap. It only promises excitement…
Faramir: This is SO unfair.
Gimli: Let’s just get on with it, already. It’s my anniversary and I want to get out of here in a timely fashion.
Legolas: *to Gimli* Anniversary? You’ve been seeing someone behind my back? *pouts*
Éowyn: *to Legolas* The Glittering Caves.
Legolas: *to Gimli* You’ve been seeing an entire network of caverns behind my back? Slut!
Aragorn: *to Legolas, smugly* Not so much fun on the receiving end, is it?
Boromir: *to Aragorn* I know for a fact you’ve had fun on the receiving end.
Legolas: *gasps* Elessar, you’ve been cheating on me, too??
Faramir: *to Aragorn* That’s harsh, man. You know Legolas has been faithful to you for a whole week now.
Title: To cure a flu
Rating: PG
Boromir: What the fuck?! PG? *to Celeborn* I thought you said it was NC-17!
Celeborn: *cackles*
Boromir: I am going to spend every moment of this undoubtedly torturous experience thinking up creative and painful ways to ‘feed’ you those cream puffs you’re always on about.
Haldir: Cream puffs are a bit too…puffy…to be painful.
Boromir: I know that, you poncy git. That’s why I’m going to be creative.
Gene: Romance
Plot: When Carl falls
sick during their travels, Van Helsing will not leave his friend's side.
Faramir: Oh…no. No no no no. This is going nowhere good.
Éowyn: Maybe for you, Faramir. For the rest of us, this is gonna be a blast!
Faramir: *to Éowyn* I’m coming dangerously close to serving you with divorce papers and sending you packing back to Rohan. To all those brigands and brats. And all that reek. And…*whispers* your brother.
Éowyn: Uh…let’s go easy on Faramir this time guys, m’kay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Van
Helsing?" Carl's soft voice hit his ears.
Aragorn: …and bounced off.
Faramir: They’re done that way for the film, alright?
Aragorn: Suuuure.
Boromir: *to Aragorn* Now you know why Faramir never wears his hair up.
Carl was finally awake. Van Helsing looked
down at his friend, a look of fear was in his eyes.
Boromir: Well, she’s got that pegged. Faramir does look a fright first thing in the morning.
Faramir: *to Boromir* That’s it. You’re cut off. I’ve said it before, but this time I mean it. We’re through!
Boromir: *to Faramir* You know you’ll come begging for the Horn of Gondor. You won’t last a day.
Legolas: He might. Gimli’s found someone…er…something else. I’m on the rebound.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Committed and exclusive relationship, much?
Legolas: *to Aragorn* I was thinking about a three-way!
They had stopped at an
inn to rest, well, it was more of an urgency for Van Helsing.
Pippin: A frequent urge…
Merry: To urinate, yeah, yeah. Been there done that in another fic.
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: Yes, Pip?
Pippin: You’re a bastard.
Carl had fallen ill
with the flu, which was strange as Carl hardly ever fell ill.
Arwen: Yes, his entire countenance demonstrates he is clearly robust, hearty, built to endure anything life might throw his way...constitution of steel…
Éowyn: See that hunchback?
Arwen: Yeah?
Éowyn: That’s actually where he stores his influenza antibodies.
Gandalf: Hell of a big injection for that lot, too.
Van helsing put his hand
to Carl's forehead, it still burned with a fever. His face was pale and he had
been sleeping all day.
Galadriel: *to Faramir* Weak little mortal. You’re lucky you’re not in Caras Galadhon. We whip couch potatoes like you.
Faramir: *to Galadriel* I oversleep and you threaten to whip me, but Boromir planning to assail your husband with a cream puff gets a pass?
Galadriel: *to Faramir* Always with the cream puffs. ‘Do you think they’ll have cream puffs on the refreshments table today?’ and ‘Gee, wifeypoo, I’d really love it if you’d learn the recipe for those cream puffs’ and ‘Did you know the cream from those cream puffs is actually a remarkably good facial masque?’. I hate those bleeding cream puffs.
Faramir: But the potential harm to your husband was my point.
Galadriel: If it wasn’t for him those cream puffs would never have become a Lorien pop culture phenomenon. Sod my husband.
Arwen: To be fair, grandmother, Legolas was actually the one who taught Celeborn about the facial masque.
Galadriel: *to Boromir* Take a spare cream puff for little Thranduilion.
Boromir: I would, but I’m fairly sure he’d actually enjoy it.
Haldir: It’s way too intense in Lothlorien these days, man. *to Legolas* Can I shack up with you?
Legolas: *to Haldir* I don’t even like you.
Haldir: *to Legolas* That may be, but I’ve pinched Galadriel’s last bottle of fuchsia nail lacquer.
Legolas: *to Haldir* My new roomie!
"Carl, are you
alright?" Van Helsing asked, "You should continue to rest, I don't
want you to get sicker."
Elrond: He had a nasty habit of bringing up bread and tea in the last Van Helsing fic.
Celeborn: I remember. Galadriel was close to sending him for bulimia rehab.
Elrond: Maybe he’s not so much body conscious as just plain ill all the time.
Faramir: It’d explain why that werewolf could take advantage of me so easily in the first fic…
Boromir: Well, that and the fact that you were begging for it. All that wanking off and digging his cockhead…
Faramir: I was not digging his cockhead! I was disgusted by his cockhead. Remember how I shrieked when it hit my tongue? I was a cockhead warmer.
Pippin: What’s a cockhead?
Gandalf: Boys! Settle down. This is a PG story, so let’s not NC-17 it in this little commentary.
Boromir: It’s only fair. I was promised an NC-17 story, after all.
Gandalf: I have it on highest authority that Management has a spare story on hand just in case this one does not quite meet our expectations.
Elrond: Is there seriously any hope that it will? And what are our expectations?
Merry: I expect it to be short.
Frodo: I expect it to have few-to-no mentions of me, or my alter ego.
Arwen: I expect to shun Éowyn for weeks for forgetting the bucket.
Faramir: *to Arwen* That’s not an expectation for the story…
Arwen: It’ll be the result of it.
"Don't be silly."
Carl said with a weak smile, trying to get out of bed, "I feel...
fine."
Merry: *sings* “What a feeling! Being’s believing!”
Pippin: *screeches, a la Sebastian Bach* “Pictures come alive. You can dance right through your life!”
Éowyn: *swoons*
Van Helsing smiled and
pushed his friend lightly back down, "I know you don't get sick very much
Carl, but you need to rest. We'll stay here as long as we need to."
Gollum: We doesn’t complain abouts this often, but we are bored. Bored, precious, yes!
Boromir: I vote for resumption of the NC-17 banter.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Clam up, or you’ll never get close to NC-17 with me again.
"How long have we
been here? I don't remember." Carl said as Van Helsing placed a cold cloth
to his forehead.
Frodo: Carl’s having a senior moment.
Gríma: It’s all that tinkering. Has him aging at a startling rate.
Pippin: I thought tinkering made you blind?
Haldir: I thought tinkering gave you hairy palms.
Arwen: If that was the case Legolas would have hands like hobbit feet.
Legolas: *smirks*
"I don't expcet
you to remember, you fell of your horse and I carried you to the in." Van
Hesing told him.
Pippin: In what?
Faramir: DON’T answer that, Boromir!
Boromir: *to Faramir* I wasn’t going to say a word. But if I did, I’d focus more on your continued inability to bond with your mount.
Legolas: He’s perfectly able. Just stick a ‘u’ between the ‘o’ and ‘n’ in ‘bond’, and add ‘ed’ to the end of ‘mount’.
Faramir: *to Legolas* STFU, or I’ll cut you off, too.
Elrond: For God’s sake, stop. I cannot stomach a Faramir/Legolas pouting contest.
Pippin: ‘Bound with your mounted’? I’m confused…
Merry: Just as well, Pip. Just as well.
"You carried
me?" Carl asked, surpized, "All the way to the next town?"
Aragorn: I’d be surprised, too. Carl looks like quite the little porker!
Faramir: How many times do I have to tell you? It’s the robes, the robes, the bloody stupid robes!
Boromir: *to Faramir* It’s alright, bro. I like to pinch an inch.
Aragorn: Ahahahaha. An inch. Asshat.
Boromir: That wasn’t what I meant!
Faramir: Ah, how nice it is when the tables turn.
Van Helsing nodded,
"I couldn't leave you there.
Haldir: In the sense that he totally could.
Éomer: And would have, if Carl wasn’t so easy.
The doctor said you
should feel better soon." He picked up a bowl of soup, "But you
should eat something."
Galadriel: Gabriel will need Éowyn’s bucket soon, too.
Slowly, he fed the
soup to Carl, he couldn't help but smile the whole time.
Pippin: How cute!
It reminds me of a story Faffy from Hardbottle told me about the time his cat
got sick, and he made it some chicken soup. He accidentally spilled an entire
bottle of dried basil into the broth, so he decided to eat it himself rather
than waste a fine basil broth on the cat…but it turned out he actually spilled
an entire bottle of catnip into the soup and he got high as a kite on a
blustery day, he did. He was seeing dancing colored oliphants--but the funny
thing is that Faffy always sees dancing colored oliphants—they’re usually pink,
but this time they were more like magenta, and they were dancing the tango
instead of a waltz. And one of them was dressed like Queen
Merry: This thing with that blasted madman isn’t going to end until someone severs Faffy’s vocal cords.
Pippin: Faffy has one of those voice boxes, it’s leftover from his cousin Arglebargle…well of course that wasn’t his real name, it was just the nickname they gave him after that time with the horse…
Gandalf: Here, Pip. Have the entire tray of éclairs.
Pippin: Oh, thank you very much Gandalf! I’m sorry, I shan’t continue with my story because it’s impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Gandalf: We’ll try not to be too disappointed.
Faramir: Hang about. Hobbits have cats?
Aragorn: Scale cats.
"This really
isn't nessisary," Carl rasped.
Legolas: Which is why Boromir would never do it for Faramir.
Boromir: That’s grossly unfair. I’ve taken care of Faramir on many occasions.
Legolas: Yes, but that was a different sort of care altogether.
"If it makes you
well, it is." Van Helsing said as Carl finished, "Is there anything
else I can do for you?"
Sam: Is this where it’s going to get dirty?
Frodo: Not with a PG rating, dear Sam. Disappointed?
Sam: More like immensely relieved, Mr. Frodo.
"No." Carl
said, "There's nothing." He looked as though he remembered something
and smiled.
Frodo: Does read like a preamble to dirtiness…
Aragorn: That’s only because Boromir has firmly planted smut in all your innocent hobbit heads.
Saruman: Don’t be unfair. You men of Gondor share equal responsibility for the corruption of the Shire. It fared better when I was scouring it.
"Are you
sure?" Van Helsing asked, he knew there was something.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Frodo’s right, honeybunch. It does rather sound like smut’s a-brewin’.
Boromir: Such wasted potential.
"Well," Carl
said, "When I was little and I got sick, which was very little I can tell
you,
Haldir: Very little. It’s nice to see Faramir asserting the truth.
Faramir: How the hell would you know?
Haldir: I love Galadriel’s mirror.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Take the whole plate of cream puffs. I think there are a few more elves who’re just begging for punishment.
my mother used to read
me these childrien's
Galadriel: High elvish spelling.
stories and they
always used to make me feel better." His cheeks redened, Van Helsing
wasn't sure if it was the flu or the memory from his childhood.
Arwen: Or the imprint of Faramir’s hand, having given himself a swift slap for bringing up the entire matter.
"Well, why didn't
you say so?" Van Helsing said, going over to the bookcase and taking a
brown, hard-cover book off the shelf.
Pippin: *bounces* A story!
Merry: This IS a story, Pip.
Pippin: A story within a story! I wonder if it’ll have one of those choose-your-own endings…
Merry: Somebody remind me to burn down the library after I’ve finished with the orchards.
"I thought you'd
think it was childish." Carl confessed.
Aragorn: A very reasonable guess.
"I don't remember
my mother." Van Helsing smiled, "But I'm sure she did the same for
me."
Faramir: *to Boromir* How come you never read me any stories?
Boromir: *to Faramir* You only have to ask.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Will you read me a story when we get back to Emyn Arnen?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Maybe. Will you polish my horn?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Only if it’s one of Pippin’s multiple-choice ending books.
Carl smiled as Van
Helsing began to read aloud the stories in the book. Carl wasn't sure, but he
was almost certain Van Helsing was enjoying it.
"I can't believe
you actually like this." Carl said.
Frodo: That was a quick leap from almost certain to firm accusation. Van Helsing should at least have a fair trial.
Théoden: It’s a kangaroo court in fan fics, really.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Not much better in the real stories, either. I wasn’t given the benefit of a jury of my peers.
Aragorn: *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* That’s because your peers are homicidal maniacs.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Still. It’s the principle of the thing.
"Your my best friend,
Carl." Van Helsing said, "And you do seem to be getting better."
Boromir: I see my lessons have been paying off. *letch*
"Well, this was
my favorite story." He confessed.
Pippin: Was it ‘Cinderella’? Because that’s my favorite story.
Frodo: *to Pippin* I thought your favorite story was ‘Sleeping Beauty’?
Pippin: *to Frodo* No, no. That was ‘Black Beauty’, and I’m so over it.
Gandalf: A three-day ride on Shadowfax would do that.
Van Helsing had been
reading a story about a young princess who had been put into a deep sleep and
how a handsome prince had saved her,
Sam: It was ‘Sleeping Beauty’ after all!
Sméagol: Where be the three fairy godmothers, precious?
Gollum: That’s the three good fairies, yes.
Éomer: The Fairy Godmother was in ‘Cinderella’…
Pippin: I hoped it would be ‘Cinderella’!
Elrond: MY GOD, this is dull.
Faramir: Beats the hell out of bearing the brunt of your jokes.
"I always thought
it would be nice to actually meet a beautiful princess who would love me
back."
All: *point to Éowyn*
Éowyn: I already married the fool, don’t be greedy!
"Well," Van
Helsing said, putting the book on the bed, "I've meet my beautiful
princess."
Elrond: Or met.
Frodo: Elrond’s nitpicking grammar. All’s right with the world.
Boromir: Is he gonna go on about that bint Anna, now?
Faramir: With any luck. The more he talks the less I have to say.
"I know."
Carl said.
"No," Van
Helsing said, leaning closer, "I don't think you do."
Bilbo: Uh oh.
Faramir: Keep talking, Gabriel…keep talking…
"Who then?"
Carl asked.
Legolas: We know where this is going.
Faramir: Oh…crap. Don’t talk, Gabriel! Don’t talk!
Van Helsing leaned
down and gently put his lips to Carl's. Carl's eyes widened, but he leaned into
the kiss as well.
Faramir: GAH!
Boromir: *to Faramir* Slut.
Frodo: If it’s any consolation, Faramir, he didn’t talk.
"You." Van
Helsing said as he pulled away.
Pippin: This is almost as good as ‘Cinderella’!
Merry: *to Pippin* From now you are to seek my approval for every book you read.
Carl smiled and blushed
as he said, "I don't want you to get sick... but could you do that
again?"
Arwen: Gross.
Galadriel: He was hoping for a fatal germ last time.
Éowyn: Now we’re the ones who are hoping for a fatal germ.
Celeborn: The evolution of MST. Fascinating.
Haldir: Or something.
Gabriel smiled,
"Certainly." He kissed his little friend again.
Sauron: There’s something rather pedophiliac about that.
Faramir: *raps* My mate’s a pedophile!
Aragorn: *to Faramir* …Where the hell did that come from?
Faramir: I don’t know. *scratches head* It just sort of…happened…a voice in my head…oh Eru; I think I have other alter egos out there! Other twisted, terrible manifestations of my self! A loony…a pimp…a transvestite…a priest!
Boromir: *to Faramir* Well, you had me right up to the priest bit.
He wrapped his arms
around Carl and cradled the tiny friar in his arms.
Sam: Is Carl technically a hobbit?
Gandalf: Not technically, no.
Arwen: But I bet he’d lend a hand if there was a rush.
The book on the bed
lay open to the words, "And They lived Happily Ever After."
Bilbo: RIP OFF!
Treebeard: That’s a pretty standard line, in all its variations. I think you might have been ripping it off yourself, Bilbo.
Gamling: Such a cliché, too.
Théoden: Gamling, darling! *kiss, kiss* It’s happily ever after with you by my side.
Éomer: *mutters* Even death brings no sweet release.
Boromir: That’s it? I thought Management said the content was fairly good. We were duped! That’s how it ends? That’s the story?
Arwen: Not so much a story, as it lacked plot…
Elrond: …and anything remotely interesting.
Gandalf: I do believe Management has recognized we’ve come dangerously close to throwing in the towel and breaking contract simply to put an end to it all. We were lured by the false promise of a decent story.
Pippin: I dunno, I thought it was sweet! Now, where was I…ah yes, Arglebargle got his nickname when that horse kicked him in…
Merry: Intermezzo, Pip! *grabs Pippin* Time for a pipe break!
Legolas: I guess this means we’re going to carry on with the second story…
Gandalf: I’m afraid so. Shall we take fifteen minutes for that pipe break?
Faramir: Yes, please. I got off the hook easily this time around.
Aragorn: Some people have all the luck. I’m still trying to live down that pregnant belly.
Arwen: Please, don’t remind me!
Éowyn: I’m going to run to Wal-Mart for a couple…dozen buckets.
*Fifteen minutes later*
Haldir: Wow. We’re all back on time.
Celeborn: Must be right keen for the tale.
Galadriel: More like right keen to get this over with.
Frodo: Right! Gandalf, what’s up next?
Saruman: Yes, do let’s carry on. I left a window open in Orthanc and it’s going to rain.
Gríma: And that acid rain of Isengard is hell on the lace curtains.
Gandalf: Let’s see…now we have a story by…um…Wiccan_Vamp_Violet.
Elrond: That’s her name?
Gandalf: That’s her name.
Sauron: I can tell already--this will be a barrel of laughs.
Frodo: It’s called ‘Black Rose Fate’.
Merry: Sounds Goth. Are we going to have to wear black eyeliner for this?
Gandalf: I think Management will cut us a break on that point, Meriadoc.
Merry: Phew. The whole Goth scene is SO third age.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: It’s classic old-school Morgul, man!
Aragorn: Which is precisely why I ordered Minas Morgul cleansed.
Saruman: Hello? Open window? Acid rain?
Gandalf: Alright, alright. Let’s begin. “Black Rose Fate” by the esteemed author Wiccan_Vamp_Violet.
Boromir: I hope this one’s rated at least R.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You might regret saying that.
Violet walked slowly
through the open areas....
Legolas: Easy target. *readies arrow*
she knew that Arcs and
men traveled from place to place through open ways.......
Aragorn: What’s an Arc?
Sam: According to
Frodo: Or, alternately, “a continuous portion of a circle.”
Sam: Further still, “bow: something curved in shape.”
Legolas: See? I knew loading my bow would come in handy.
Pippin: ‘Arc’ is a Neil Young album.
Merry: Total influence for Vicious Thud.
Pippin: Totally.
Arwen: Guys? I think she means ‘orcs’.
Elrond: *to Elrond* When will you learn that reasoning with this lot is a lost cause?
but she didn't
care.....she was tired of being a servant for the noblemen in Malinda ,
Faramir: Where the fuck is Malinda?
Boromir: I think that’s somewhere in the Northern Waste.
Éomer: Isn’t the Northern Waste primarily populated by dragons, trolls, and wild men?
Faramir: That makes sense, then.
she sighed heavily as she looked up at the bright
sky. The sky was pretty ,
Haldir: And already the lofty, beauteous descriptions begin.
the big white puffy clouds
Pippin: Yay!
Merry: *slaps forehead*
Frodo: Is it just me, or is Pippin acting a bit…’special’ today?
Sam: It’s Faffy. Very bad influence. He’ll be our Yoko, yet.
covered it and the
blue was just stunning
Arwen: Just stunning!
Théoden: Sounds like something a presenter would say on the Home Shopping Network.
Gríma: *to Théoden* You watch HSN?
Théoden: *to Gríma* Yes, don’t you?
Gríma: Oh, no. Never. I’m loyal to QVC.
and the birds flew over the sky ,
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!
it was a hot day , but a beautiful sunny day. Violet then ,
Frodo: …considered her tendency to punctuate with unnecessary commas and incorrect spacing.
pulled her long black
hair out of her face and tugged on her long white gown
Arwen: Lots of ‘long’. Is she an elf?
Boromir: I know the adjective ‘long’ applies to Legolas.
Aragorn: *glares*
Boromir: What? I meant his long pointy ears.
Faramir: *snickers*
.......then all of a sudden she seen a group
of people coming her way they looked like they where heading toward the
forest......
Merry: Japanese tourists!
Frodo: You know it’s bound to be the Fellowship.
Elrond: For once I’m not responsible for a Mary Sue encountering you all.
Gimli: Is she officially a Mary Sue?
Arwen: I shall wait with baited breath for the answer.
she sighed a bit
scared.......starting to wonder if she shouldn't of left the village but she
didn't worry much she just kept walking.
Faramir: A bit scared, second-guessing her decision to leave home, yet continuing to stride towards the throng? She’d not last ten minutes in Osgiliath.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Neither did you.
Faramir: Hmph.
They arrived closer
towards her.....then their faces came clearer to her view.......there seemed to
be a tall gray haired wizard..
Gandalf: It’s Radagast the Brown. Honest!
two men.....
Aragorn: We get no adjectives?
Boromir: Thank God.
four little
hobbits........
Frodo: Here we go, then.
and a dwarf
Gimli: Finally, somebody mentioned me!
and a blonde haired
elf.......
Legolas: THAT’S the best she could do? What about a “breathtaking blonde-haired elf”? Or “an elf with the prettiest blonde hair in all of Arda”?
Galadriel: You’ve got some competition in that department.
Legolas: *scoffs*
"what could all
of these people be doing together?"
Gríma: A just question. You are a rather random bunch.
Elrond: It’d be a bloody boring story if the Fellowship was homogenous.
Celeborn: Oh, I
don’t know. Can you imagine nine
Haldir: With the paranoia about their hair…
Boromir: And the enormous sexual appetite…
Aragorn: What was that, Boromir?
Boromir: Nothing, my liege. Nothing at all.
Violet thought to her
self as she gulped a bit walking towards them....." excuse me....but
um..may I ask where the closest Village is? " said one of the men.
Frodo: Serves her right for walking around with the “Tourist Bureau” sign around her neck.
"we..ll.." Violet started to say
until the man interrupted her. " Oh...sorry excuse my rudeness , my name
is Aragorn...."
Aragorn: *rolls eyes*
Faramir: When has Aragorn ever apologized for his rudeness?
Aragorn: Exactly.
Aragorn....smiled at
the young women in front of him...
Legolas: *to Aragorn* You whore!
Aragorn: You are SO not the one to be casting that particular stone. Babycakes.
”and these are my
companions........the four hobbits are Frodo , Sam . Merry and Pippan ,
Pippin: So I’m not in the story?
Merry: I think that’s meant to be you, Pip.
Pippin: But that ‘a’ makes me look all funny. It’s a very lumpy letter.
he said there names as he pointed them out.
and That is Gandalf , he pointed to the wizard ,
Boromir: Who made a grand first impression by sconning her squarely with his staff.
and there is Gilimi ,
the dwarf shrugged a bit ,
Gimli: A very
polite greeting in dwarf culture.
Legolas: Gilimi?
Gimli: Aw, damn it! I’m not in this story after all!
Faramir: *to Gimli* Count your blessings.
and there is Legolas ,
Legolas: *to Aragorn* That’s the introduction? That’s all you have to say about me?
Aragorn: We were still in the closet!
Boromir: Hahahaha. You’re deluded if you think we didn’t clock you both in Imladris.
The elf just nodded
slightly , " and im Bolromir " the other human man , said
Boromir: …Uh.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Well, it’s a relief you’re not in this story, either.
Elrond: Why do these authors have such trouble with the name ‘Boromir’? Boromir. B-O-R-O-M-I-R. Not ‘Broimir’. Not ‘Boromor’. Not ‘Boimor’. And certainly not ‘Bolromir’.
Frodo: May I take this opportunity to note that within the context of Middle-Earth, ‘human man’ is somewhat redundant?
Éowyn: We could argue the semantics on that particular point. Technically, the race of men is…
Frodo: Retracted. I really don’t care.
before Aragorn could
introduce him ,as he nodded and smiled , " now can you tell us where the
nearest village is? " asked Aragorn.
Aragorn: First of all, we didn’t stop to ask directions. Second of all, we weren’t all that fussed with villages. Third…
Gandalf: You might as well stop now. This is about as far from Canon as can be.
" yes....well its
called Malinda , its about a mile from here ,
Boromir: Bloody hell, we were well off course.
Gimli: Our punishment for giving the elf the map.
Legolas: ‘Isengard northeast’ was scripted, alright? Scripted. You all need to let it go!
I can take you there
if you would like.........."
Arwen: About a hair’s width away from Mary Sue…
They all agreed and continued on there way.........Violet was confused of why they where traveling together , so many different people.
Sam: To be perfectly honest, if I encountered the Fellowship in a strange land I wouldn’t stop to ask questions.
Frodo: Samwise the Brave.
She couldn't help it
she had to say something. " excuse me...but may I ask of why you all are
traveling together.....I mean..........you normally never see elves, dwarfs ,
humans , wizards and hobbits traveling together...."
Frodo: No shit, Sherlock.
Elrond: I’ve lost the will to point out grammatical errors. I’ve lost the will! I am clearly diminishing…
Arwen: There,
there,
Merry: While
we’re en route to
she said this with a
tone of anxiousness . " Well...my lady......we are on a mission from the
counsel of Rivendell"
Aragorn: Because this is clearly something we should discuss with anyone we may encounter.
" oh ....um if
you don't mind ....what kind of mission? "
Legolas: He does mind. And we’ve changed our minds about going to Malinda. There are way better holidays than watching for snow trolls.
" Well.....a
important mission ....that has to do with middle earth.."
Galadriel: Gee, ya think?
Aragorn replied with a
sigh. " and my lady you never told us your name " spoke up pippan..
Pippin: Pippan has a funny accent.
" well my name is
Violet " " Violet...hmm that’s a pretty name....."the four
hobbits said.
Frodo: What, in unison? What are we, a barber shop quartet?
Sam: No way! Metal rules!
Violet smiled and
slightly laughed , " thank you........" she said looking around her
as they walked.
Éomer: First rule of mobility: always look where you’re going.
Éowyn: She’ll walk straight into a lamp post.
Faramir: There are no lamp posts in the forests!
Haldir: There are in Lothlorien!
Éowyn: And anyway, she’s out in the open. Just because she didn’t mention lamp posts when she was setting the scene doesn’t negate the potential for their existence.
Éomer: Feeling philosophical today, sister?
Éowyn: No. I am in my usual mood to be unnecessarily combative with my husband.
" Ah.....Violet you asked us why we where here , now tell us why a young girl as your self , would be wondering alone out here
Elrond: Even though this is a flagrant typographical error, it does rather apply. She was wondering about the Fellowship.
Gandalf: I think that’s a first for us. An error that actually makes sense.
Gollum: Tricksy!
where men and arcs could easily slay you are capture you? " Said the Dwarf , Gilimi."
Aragorn: Those pesky arcs again.
Legolas: Slaying her…perhaps I should ready my ‘arc’ again.
Well , im running
away....from whereI stay " she stated with a sigh.
Saruman: *yawns* Not another runaway Mary Sue.
Arwen: Like a runaway train, only far more terrifying.
" running
away?........but why ? from where? " asked Aragorn. Violet didn't answer
right away she thought , she knew if she would take them to Malinda she would
probably be killed..
Legolas: To Malinda it is, then!
Boromir: *to Legolas* You’re more homicidal than me today.
Legolas: *to Boromir* I know! I kinda want to see how it turns out.
so she would show them
then leave quickly before she is sighted by a villager.
Frodo: Except Legolas is about two seconds away from falling deeply in love with her, and would not possibly be parted from her.
Legolas: Fuck you and your fuzzy feet, ring bearer.
" From the
village im taking you to..so ill take you there then leave before im seen by anyone
, so you must promise not you say who guided you here.....ill be killed if im
seen "
Elrond: And, apparently, if she uses the ‘ key.
" but why
"?asked young frodo. " well....im a servant girl there for the
noblemen......I was tired of his thoughtless scheming on me........
Gollum: We are the kingses of thoughtless scheming, precious, and we still don’t understands this.
so Im running
away......if they see me they will kill me.....they accuse me of being a witch
Arwen: Maybe it’s something to do with the name, Wiccan_Vamp_Violet.
Haldir: *nods* She should look into that.
and they want to burn
me at the stakes........
Boromir: You can’t blame them for wanting a little light entertainment, can you?
Faramir: Ah, the sociopath I know and love has returned.
if I where you I
wouldn’t let the elf in or the hobbits and wizard .
Gandalf: But beyond that, the Fellowship will be embraced with open arms!
Gimli: All three of us.
Legolas: They’re right racist bastards, those Malindians.
go in.....they are very
religious people and they hate all but humans.........
Aragorn: So technically Gimli should wait at the gate, too.
Gimli: Note how she left me off the list. I am slighted in fan fics. Slighted, I tell you!
but if your going for
food I advise you find some where else.......
Elrond: Take a right at Malinda and trek one or two…thousand miles to the nearest sign of civilization. Don’t worry. You can’t miss it!
"That’s rubbish
" stated the dwarf ,
Gríma: Why yes, yes it is!
Théoden: The whole thing, start to finish.
Saruman: One big pile of rubbish.
" they should be
aloud in..."he said once more." oh...and you too Gilimi you not
allowed in either....."
Legolas: See? She tied up the loose end.
Aragorn: It would have been much easier to scan back a few lines and add ‘the dwarf’ to the list. Total inefficiency. Must do better!
Arwen: *to Aragorn* For God’s sake, save the whip cracking for Minas Tirith.
Aragon sighed a bit ,
he didn’t know if he should believe this girl...but from the tears in her eyes
, the fear she holds.....she could be telling the truth.
Galadriel: She could be.
Celeborn: But frankly, we don’t give a damn.
" Where are you
going to go? " asked Boromir.
Boromir: *blinks*
Faramir: She got it right!
Boromir: I’ll be damned.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You were bound to be whether she spelled your name correctly or not.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I am consoled by the fact that I’ll be dragging you down with me.
? " I don’t know...... " She said softly. " Well you can travel with us...." Said Frodo.
Aragorn: I’m going to backhand you, Frodo Baggins!
Sam: *draws sword* Come on and finish it!
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Sit down, loveydove. Sam means business.
Aragorn looked sort of
surprised at this.....
Arwen: Sort of.
Éowyn: But not quite.
he didn’t know if he
wanted a girl with them ,
Boromir: Hahahahaha…Yep. *to Aragorn* We definitely had you clocked in Imladris!
Aragorn: One word. Anduril.
that would be two burdens instead of one.....
Arwen: *to Aragorn* Misogynist!
Aragorn: *to Arwen* Oh, come on. You’ve given up immortality to play the role of my beard. You’re a bit too late for feminism!
" I don’t know if
the rest of your fellowship would like me to ..." she said softly. "
Can you fight? " asked Aragorn
Legolas: And the next object is a Mary Sue, a Mary Sue.
" actually yes I
can , I cant say where I got my training from..but I can fight...im good with a
bow and sword "
Haldir: I’ll bet a large sum that she can split an arrow like Robin Hood.
" perfect.....
you can come........."
Éowyn: Ew.
Merry: Aragorn, I hate you for this.
Aragorn: That’s a fair feeling, Merry. If Anduril was a touch shorter I’d be stabbing myself right about now.
Legolas: Aw, cuddlepie…*huggles Aragorn*
Frodo: Please, please tell me that this is nearly over.
Gandalf: It’s nearly over.
All: *collective sigh*
A/N: not done with
this chapter ...ill continue later
Boromir: Not if my sword and Legolas’s arc have anything to say about it.
but i cant finsih b/c
parents are making me get off.........
Elrond: …Um…
Éowyn: Ew!
Arwen: I second that.
Éomer: Heebie jeebies.
Pippin: Arglebargle’s brother was called Heebiejeebies!
Merry: Damn. We’re out of éclairs!
Frodo: Give him an apple.
Gandalf: Well, that was a thoroughly disgusting note upon which to end.
Boromir: Look, I’m the first to see sex where sex doesn’t belong, but I don’t think she intended that particular connotation.
Faramir: Boz’s right. She merely meant they were making her shut down her computer.
Arwen: So you think, Steward. What if you’re wrong?
Faramir: The priest in me will exorcize her parents.
Galadriel: And I’ll telepathically ring Dyfs.
Boromir: *to Faramir* And speaking of seeing sex, want to hit a strip joint before I read you that bedtime story—and, most importantly, you polish the Horn of Gondor?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Too much excitement for one night. Let’s skip the strip joint and head straight for the reading.
Boromir: And the polishing.
Faramir: *exasperated* Yes, yes, yes, and the polishing.
Boromir: We’re Audi 5000, folks!
Éowyn: Two stories in one sitting. My head’s spinning.
Arwen: At least there was no sex…
Éomer: Particularly between Van Helsing and Carl.
Éowyn: Thank the Valar for small miracles.
Théoden: Back to Meduseld for those good old fashioned brigands and reek?
Gríma: Right behind you, boss.
Saruman: Oi!
Gríma: Uh…sorry. *to Saruman* Right behind you, boss.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: I’m going back to Minas Morgul for a bubble bath, before Aragorn’s crew shows up with the wrecking ball.
Arwen: A bubble bath sounds nice…
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Wanna join, she-elf? The tub’s plenty big.
Arwen: Ugh. No thanks. I’ve got to pop over to Imladris and check on Glorfindel. He just figured out I stole Asfaloth back in the third age. And it’s leaf peeping season in Rivendell, anyway.
Bilbo: When is it not?
Elrond: *to Bilbo* Fair point. Still, want to come peep at a leaf or two, old friend?
Bilbo: Absobloodylutely. I’ll bring some Old Winyard, we’ll make a night of it.
Frodo: We’re going to be late for our band rehearsal. We’ve only got the Hobbiton rec center until ten.
Pippin: No time for refreshments?
Merry: You’ve had a tray of éclairs and a basket of apples already, Pip. You’ll chunder from here back to Eriador if you don’t stop now.
Pippin: *sighs* Fine. But Faffy’s stopping by to watch us play. He has some new song ideas…
Sam: Our Yoko. Definitely.
Galadriel: *to Haldir* Are you really moving to Ithilien? I was thinking of training my pool on Faramir’s place for a few good giggles.
Haldir: *to Galadriel* Well…
Galadriel: *to Haldir* Don’t let Celeborn catch wind of this, but…those cream puffs really do make great masques. I’ve got a hidden stash. We’ll have a proper slumber party!
Haldir: I’m sold!
Celeborn: Hey, Galadriel? Somebody’s taken all the cream puffs…I think it was one of Denethor’s brood. What’s he want with three dozen cream puffs, anyway?
Galadriel: I can’t think of a single reason, Celeborn dear.
Haldir: *whistles*
Sauron: *to Gimli* If it’s any consolation I am even more neglected in these tales than you are.
Treebeard: Me too. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
Gimli: Oh, sod it. Let’s go get pissed. We’ll look after each other. The Three Musketeers: one for all and all for one.
Sauron: I’m a bit limited in that I don’t actually possess lips. Or a throat, a stomach, a pair of legs to walk on…
Gimli: So we’ll bring the party closer to you, big fella. One for all and all for one!
Sauron: I thought
you were off on a date with the
Gimli: They’re caves! Will it kill ‘em to wait?
Sauron: Ah, true romance.
Treebeard: I’ll grab some ent draught and meet you both in Mordor.
Aragorn: Care to join us for a candlelight dinner in the Great Hall, Gandy?
Gandalf: No, thank you. Balrog’s been slaving over a hot stove for a candlelight dinner of our own.
Legolas: So that’s where he is! I was beginning to wonder.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Looks like we’ll be dining alone, snookums.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Shall we stop at Blockbuster and rent a flick?
Aragorn: I’ve had a hankering for “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
Legolas: Perfect! I think there’s still some gourmet popcorn in the pantry.
Aragorn: On the same wavelength again, princeling.
Legolas: Always, babydoll. *Eskimo kisses*
Aragorn: *Eskimo kisses* Sweet little candypants.
Legolas: My big strong…
Aragorn: Wait. Where’d everybody go?