LotR MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What
follows here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and
sometimes just plain mean MST. Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com)
and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my
humble offering in homage.
It helps if you have seen the
extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, listened to the
commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing familiarity of the
LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then you’ll recognize a
couple of the character traits portrayed here. And, with each of my MSTs it grows progressively more useful to have read the
previous ones.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote
this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do
love them—especially Faramir, yum…) and for the author, orangehobbit.
I have no idea who orangehobbit
is, but kudos to you, girl (or boy). Never, ever stop writing. I mean that
seriously.
Tally ho…
Elrond: *to Théoden* That party last night was brill. Ta again for the invite.
Théoden: *to Elrond* My pleasure. Now that all the fighting’s done I find Helm’s
Deep is a great venue for a piss-up.
Aragorn: *to Théoden* And the “Studio 54” theme was a stroke of genius.
Théoden: *to Aragorn*
…there was a theme?
Éomer: *to Aragorn* That’s just how Helm’s Deep is 24/7 these days.
Legolas: I must make
it back to Rohan more often.
Gandalf: So here we are,
gathered once again for another installment of fan fic commentary. I understand
that today we have a story entitled “Sarah’s Tale,” which is set in Middle
Earth.
Galadriel: Sort of.
It’s complicated.
Celeborn: I am sure it
will become clear as we read the story.
Galadriel: *to
Celeborn* Care to bet on that?
Faramir: *mutters* That orc had better fetch another chair quickly; I’m not
sitting on Boromir’s lap the entire time. His horn is digging into my back.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
His horn is down by his side, nowhere near your back.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
I know. That wasn’t the horn I meant.
Legolas: *to Faramir*
If you need a break I’ll switch places with you.
Aragorn: *whines*
Legolas!
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
I’m just trying to be a good friend, baby! Honest!
Éowyn: Can we just get
started? If I have to look at my husband squirming on his brother’s lap much
longer I’m going to need my bucket.
Saruman: Yes, let’s
begin. Besides, we’ve all been seen Faramir lap-dancing on Boromir before.
We’re so over it.
Frodo: *to Sam*
Remember that club in Laketown?
Sam: *to Frodo* Oh
yeah, that night when somebody slipped Faramir some X?
Haldir: Hah, that was
brilliant. He couldn’t keep his hands off us. Even Éowyn.
Éowyn: I had to shower
for days after that.
Sauron: The pole dance
was particularly amusing.
Sam: And how he was
shaking his booty for Boromir. Boromir kept stuffing cash down his breeches.
Saruman: For Pete’s
sake, people, I said we’d had enough of Faramir on Boromir. Don’t let’s keep wandering
down memory lane.
Pippin: I think it’s
kinda cute. Good clean old-fashioned wholesome brotherly love.
Merry: *to Pippin* I
am beyond glad that you don’t have any brothers.
sarah's tale by orangehobbit
Pippin: Is that
anything like a jaundiced hobbit?
Frodo: *to Pippin* No,
that’d be yellowhobbit.
Merry: *to Pippin*
Orangehobbit is an excess of beta carotene.
Sam: *to Merry* You’d best go easy on the carrots. You might end up
orangehobbit, too.
Rated G
Boromir: I might as
well go to sleep now.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I wouldn’t let down your guard. Treebeard’s been looking at you strangely since
we got here.
Haldir: *to Faramir*
Entirely Boromir’s fault.
Boromir: *to Haldir*
Like hell it was. Can I control stray sparks from my pipe? Freak accident!
1. car crash
Boromir: Promising
chapter title…
Discliamer: I own nothing
Pippin: The poor
thing. Should we take up a collection?
Merry: *mutters*
Bleeding heart.
The girl in the black shirt and orange pants sat quietly on
te steps,
Arwen: …doing her best
Jack-o-Lantern impression…
out
side of some unknown building. And normally, when someone sits in this way, in
this kind of place, on this kind of day, they are thinking of something great
and profound.
Elrond: I am gonna go
way out on a limb here and guess that this isn’t a “normal” scenario.
Gandalf: There is
absolutely no way anything “great and profound” will cross our paths today.
But for Sarah there wasn’t any adventure unfolding.
Haldir: Well that
ought to make this an interesting story.
It was just another day of waiting..
Waiting.. Waiting.
Waiting for love.
Legolas: Aww!
Waiting for adventure.
Bilbo: Aww!
Waiting for the next day..
Pippin: Aww!
Merry: Pip, what the
hell is touching about that?
Pippin: Nothing. I just
didn’t want to feel left out.
Waiting for something to break the undying cycle that was
her life..
Boromir: It is a short
distance from that to The Lion King. “Circle of Life,”
and all that.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Uh, have you actually seen The Lion King?
Boromir: *to Faramir*
No.
Faramir: I thought as
much.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Have you?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Well, yes…
Haldir: Hahahaha. *to Faramir* Fairy cake.
Waiting for her dead-beat father to get off his ass and
pick her up from community service at the library.
Elrond: So the
building wasn’t all that unknown after all.
Ever since seventh grade Sarah had been volunteering at the
public library after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She told her
parents she wanted to have something to show for college.
Théoden: Screw doing
something for the greater good. Screw giving back to one’s community.
Saruman: She’s a girl
after my own heart.
And they believed her, because they had no reason not to.
But in all reality, Sarah had no hopes of college after school.
Gríma: You know, that severely limits her chances for employment. The only
job you can land without a degree these days is “pasty poison-dispensing
second-rate evil sidekick.”
Not that she was one of those drop-out losers who just
didn’t care about any type of school.
Gandalf: Like the
balrog.
Balrog: STFU Gandalf,
I went to vo-tech.
She just couldn’t imagine passing up a chance to finally
live the life she had always imagined living.
She always wanted to ...
Pippin: I’m confused.
Merry: *sighs* What is it now, Pip?
Pippin: What has she
always wanted to…?
Frodo: That’s a good
question, actually. What kind of life is it she imagined living?
Gollum: Patience! Patience, my love.
no need to live a life of love lost and mistery.
Haldir: Let alone
mystery.
She dreamed of the rain forests, deserts, vast plains that
you couldn’t see the end to, oceans that were pure blue, mountain that always
covered knee-deep in snow,
Éomer: What, all in
one place? She’s rather greedy.
Éowyn: Uh, we have all
of those things in Arda.
Faramir: I don’t
remember there being any rainforests.
Éowyn: *to Faramir*
Anal-retentive git.
nations that were ridden with war and betrayed by
there government.
Gandalf: *as Sarah*
I’ve always dreamed of living where there was constant civil war!
Arwen: *as Sarah* Give
me dire peril and betrayal over boring old college, any day!
Boromir: That was
pretty much what I said to my father.
Sarah wanted to save people, and become hero, not for fame
but to help her fill the emptiness that is her soul.
“SARAH!! GET IN THE CAR NOW!!!” her father bowled.
Merry: …bowled a
strike.
Pippin: I love
bowling.
The car as he called it
Éomer: WTF does she call it, then?
was actuality more like a wagon that was needed th be pushed
every five miles.
Sauron: Somebody call
in the cave trolls.
The paint was falling off by the second. Sarah stood up,
her purple and blue highlights saying in the October wind.
Legolas: Purple and
blue highlights?
Merry: Talking
highlights, no less.
Aragorn: She might
just have worse hair than Haldir.
Haldir: *mutters*
Fairy cake.
Celeborn: Must make a
note to teach Haldir a wider range of homophobic insults.
“Hello father, how was your day so
far” she said in a mocking way.
Sam: *sings* Mock.
Frodo: *sings* Yeah.
Sam: *sings* Ing.
Frodo: *sings* Yeah.
Sam: *sings* Bird.
Frodo: *sings* Yeah.
Sam: *sings* Yeah.
Frodo: *sings* Yeah.
Faramir: *to Frodo* Rehearsing
for the Hobbiton Battle of the Bands?
Frodo: *to Faramir*
Nah, Vicious Thud’s got a way harder sound than James Taylor and Carly Simon.
Merry: *to Faramir*
Think more like…Abba meets Marilyn Manson.
“GIRL! Don’t take that tone with me.” Sarah’s father yelled with
venom in his voice.
Legolas: But,
tragically, not enough venom to finish the job.
Aragorn: Homicidal
already, darling Leggy?
Boromir: *to Legolas* Your lessons are paying off.
“Yes father, will you please unlock the door now” she barley
whispered.
On the road home she started to feel strange. She heard a
fell voice in the wind.
Legolas: *rolls eyes*
Aragorn: Yep. It’s
gonna get all kinds of homicidal up in here…
It was strange it reminded her of Lord of the Ring
Gandalf: *to Elrond* You know, that other trilogy?
Elrond: *to Gandalf*
Ohhh, that one. I thought maybe she was talking about The Lord of the Rings.
Faramir: Talk about
anal-retentive…
when
that evil wizard was trying to bring down the mountain on the fellowship.
Saruman: “That evil
wizard”? That’s the best she can do?
Boromir: *to Saruman*
Very well then. “That motherfucking wizard.”
Saruman: *to Boromir*
MUCH better.
And her dad clearly could not here it because he was ranting
on about the “blacks” and how they were ruining the economic system.(A/N I do not believe it at all but it was important for
the story line)
Arwen: … I cannot wait
to see what sort of storyline could possibly necessitate that little gem.
“DAD!!! A TRUCK”
The last thing she saw was the front of a coke delivery
truck.
Boromir: …heading
straight for Emyn Arnen.
Faramir: For fuck’s
sake, Boromir, how many times do I have to tell you I kicked that habit years
ago?
To bo continued.....
Merry: To bo?
Pippin: Tobo?
Sam: I like it. Must jot that down in the baby name book.
2. middle-earth
When Sarah awoke she felt something different in the air,
it was to fresh and clean it should be stuffy or
dusty, because she knew she should be in a hospital room.
Gandalf: Where does
she live that hospital rooms are “stuffy” and “dusty”?
Saruman: Even in
Orthanc we crack a window once in a while.
The ground was rocky
and uneven NOT like a bed.
Frodo: I don’t know.
“Rocky and uneven” would be an apt description for the beds at The Prancing
Pony.
Sarah sprung up and noticed she was at a camp site, in the
woods, when the closest forest to the city in which she lived was at least
fifty miles away. Scattered on the ground she saw left overs that could range
from anywhere between four to five people.
Merry: Or one to two
hobbits.
Sam: We don’t leave
leftovers.
Merry: True.
To tell the truth Sarah was frightened.
Aragorn: To tell the
truth, I’m kinda glad.
Arwen: *to Aragorn* You are such a meanie.
“Strider!! She’s awake, I’ll get the water for her,”
Sarah saw a child, probably no older than eight called to an unknown person.
She looked around and noticed that there were also three other children sitting
around a fire.
Merry: These fucking
kids are gonna turn out to be us, aren’t they?
A man came running towards Sarah. She noticed that he had a
sword. She started to back away from the man.
Aragorn: That’s it,
beeyotch. Keep right on going.
“Milady are you feeling well, you really
should lay still your injuries are quite bad.
Frodo: Plus if she
lies still she’ll be an easier target. *brandishes rock*
Here drink some water,” he handed her a cup that looked
like it was made in the medieval times.
Pippin: I love
Medieval Times.
Sam: The jousts are
pretty nifty.
Merry: And it’s a good
excuse to eat with your fingers.
Pippin: Love, love,
love Medieval Times.
“Where am I, and why do you carry a sword with you, also,
why am I in a forest and not a hospital, lastly who are you.”
Boromir: She asks way
too many questions.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
Gag her.
Boromir: He’s got
something to gag her with, alright…
Legolas: I’m amazed we
lasted as long as we did without Boromir saying something crude.
Boromir: *to Legolas*
I’m amazed you lasted as long as you did last night.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
Shut.the.fuck.up. Now.
“Milady, you are a two day ride to weathertop, my sword is
to protect myself and companions from any danger, a hospital I know not of
anything called that, and my name is Strider, and this is masters Took,
Brandywine, Gamgee, and Underhill.
Elrond: So many
grammatical errors. I hardly know where to start.
Frodo: Hang about.
Strider still thinks my name is “Underhill”?
Éowyn: Legolas fucked
the smart out of him.
Emotions were swimming through her head.
Merry: Synchronized
swimming.
Frodo: …Special
Olympics style.
Strider, Gamgee, Took,
I must be asleep in a coma, or something there is no
possible way I’m in Middle-earth.
Boromir: Good enough
for me. Let’s leave it at that, shall we?
But then there was that voice I heard before the crash.
Sauron: *to Saruman* You’re not going to gain any popularity points through this
story.
So it might be I was sent here for good or bad I do not
know. So I must make a choice now that might just have great significance.
Celeborn: Might just.
Galadriel: And yet,
won’t.
“Now milady I have a few questions for you if your not in to much pain to answer,” Strider said calmly as
if he is talking to a baby.
Glorfindel: *as Kyle*
Kick the baby!
Arwen: Haha, that was a good one, Glorfindel.
Elrond: *to Arwen* God
damn it girl, don’t encourage him.
“Of course go ahead.”
“Milady, what is your name, where do hail from, why do you
have such injuries, and where are you head to.”
Aragorn: *slaps
forehead* Please tell me I speak considerably better than that.
Gimli: *parrots* You speak considerably better than that.
Haldir: …but nowhere
near as coherently.
Aragorn: *to Haldir* I
hate you, you naff muppet.
Boromir: That was
pretty coherent. But I’m not sure it was English.
“My name is Sarah Summers and please cut out the lady
stuff.
Éomer: Not another
one.
Éowyn: Why do they always
hate being called “lady,” or any variant thereof?
Aragorn: I don’t
especially care; I shall hereafter refer to her only as “hey, you minger.”
I’m from a place so far away you would never of heard of it. My injuries are from a dreadful accident.
And lastly, I’m going to Rivendale where I will meet up with some of my family.
Elrond: Well, thank
God for that. I was afraid she’d end up in Rivendell.
Théoden: Hang about.
How does she know her family’s going to meet up in “Rivendale”? Do they have
some sort of emergency plan for the eventuality that they’re hit by a truck and
end up in Middle Earth?
I hope that Aragorn will not notice that I lie, if this is
all a dream I should awaken before I reach Rivendale. I hope. There is that
chance I will never see home again, or I was sent here for evil purposes.
Sauron: She wasn’t. Really.
“Lady Sarah my companions and I are heading to Rivendale
Aragorn: No we’re not.
I insist on you traveling with us it is to dangerous a road
for a woman to travel alone.”
Éowyn: *to Aragorn*
Misogynist.
Aragorn: *to Éowyn*
Man.
“Strider I thought I asked you not to call me lady” said
Sarah in a mocking tone.
Treebeard: *sings*
Mock.
Huorn #627: *sings* Ing.
Merry: *to Treebeard* We already did that. Do try to keep up.
Well it looks like I’ll be having an adventure sooner than
I thought.
Boromir: Why do we
have to pay because she wants an adventure, hmm? Hmm?
Why should we have to suffer???
Faramir: *cuddles
Boromir* There, there, big bro. It’ll be alright.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Besides, it’s not unheard of for someone to suffer for your
enjoyment.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
I told you about that in confidence!
3. weathertop
“Lady Sarah are you ready to
travel, yet.” Aragorn said to a hostile looking teenager with striking blue and
purple hair.
Pippin: Which struck her violently about the head, face, and neck.
Merry: I think our
band’s lyrics are rubbing off on you, Peregrin Took.
“Aragorn, how many times must I tell you to NEVER call me
lady!!!
Haldir: Apparently you
need to tell him a few more times, my lady.
And yes I’m ready to walk my legs off countless miles again
today.”
Legolas: If she walks
her legs off does that mean you guys can leave her torso behind?
Sarah was in a terrible mood do to yesterday insisting on
walking and not to rest just because some silly boo-boos in her words.
Gandalf: What the
fuck?
Elrond: I have a
migraine.
She did not realize it meant hardly any sleep and twelve
hours of walking each day.
Haldir: Only twelve?
What the hell were you guys doing with the rest of the time?
Saruman: *to Haldir,
brandishing palantir* You really don’t want to know.
“Hullo, Frodo how are today.”
“Fine, thank-you.”
“Tell me about the Shire.”
Frodo: No, thank you.
“Well, it is all green as far as the eye can see. Farmer
Maggot’s farm is full of rich veggies all year round..............”
Merry: Well, less full
when we’re around.
Sarah love hearing of the Shire. She wishes to see it when
this was all over.
Sméagol: We wishes to see it too, my precious. Master promised us a
fishing trip on
Frodo: *to Sméagol* I
never said that.
Sméagol: *stomps foot*
Master, we only wish to catch a fish!
Frodo and Sarah could be seen talking for hours about it. Sarah always asking questions and Frodo always answering with a
glowing tint on his skin that could be seen for miles.
Frodo: That’d be the
slow burn of profound anger.
It is as if they seemed to grow very close over the matter
which is the Shire.
Sam: Oh no. Is she
going to make a move on you, Frodo?
Frodo: I hope not, or
I’ll be drowning myself on that fishing trip.
“There is our camp site for the night, Weathertop” Aragorn
could be heard saying.
Aragorn: I believe my
words were more to the effect of “This was the great watchtower of Amon Sûl. We
shall rest here tonight.”
Sam: Po-tay-to,
po-tah-to.
Sméagol: Taters!
It was amazing, but tiring the climb up was to much for frodo to bear he crawled up into a corner.
“Sarah sing me a song or tell me a
tale”
Frodo: Or not.
“I sing not well but I know a song you might like.”
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Little known fact, but it was actually Sarah’s singing
that clued us in to you lot on Weathertop. It had nothing to do with fried
tomatoes and crispy bacon.
Upon the hearth the fire is red
Merry: …Now she’s
going to take credit for teaching Pippin this ruddy song.
Beneath the roof there is a bed
But not yet weary are our feet
Still round the corner we may meet
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone
Tree and flower and leaf and grass
Let them pass! Let them pass!
Hill and water under the sky
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Elrond: Isn’t this
rather massive plagiarism?
Still around the corner thee may wait
A new road or secret gate
And though we pass them by today
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the moon or the sun
Apple thorn, nut, and sloe
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and poll and dell
Fare you well! Fare you well!
Boromir: Farewell!
Right guys, let’s go.
Faramir: Sit down,
Boromir.
Home is behind, the world ahead
Merry: See? Told you.
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Then the world behind, and home
ahead
We’ll wander back to home and bed
Mist and twilight and cloud and shade
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp and meat and bread
And then to bed! And then to bed!
As Sarah finished the song she fell asleep next to Frodo.
Frodo: …who, as a
self-defense mechanism, had entered into a coma after the first stanza.
Sarah a woke and saw tall black
figures everywhere.
Boromir: Well, that’s
a happy ending. Let’s go, guys.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Phew,
he’s testy today.
Faramir: *to Boromir* That thing with Legolas, on the balcony last night?
Boromir: *to Faramir* With the bottle of…
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Yep, that’s it. Somebody told him.
Boromir: *to Faramir,
growling* Who?
Haldir: *whistles*
Shifting into darkness she heard herself talking to an elf
that she could only guess it was Arwen.
Arwen: I hate healing
Mary Sues.
Elrond: *to Arwen* Has she officially crossed over into Mary Sue-dom?
Arwen: *to Elrond* I
have a feeling she’s about to.
Arewn ran her hands over the wounds.
“This can not be, not even the firstborns can have those
swords in our bodies without turning to darkness.”
Arwen: *to Elrond*
See?
Legolas: Firstborns?
Firstborn what?
Sam: Oliphants.
Legolas: Ahh. Now I see
the resemblance.
Without knowing what she was saying she started to yell
out.
Naegra! Nin nesto! Edraith enni!
Gandalf: Translation:
Look! Behold my English-to-Elvish dictionary! Ha ha!
“She doesn’t know elvish.”
Aragorn: In the sense
of, not surprised at all.
“
Elrond: …who will have
her hung, drawn, and quartered.
was the last thing Sarah heard before darkness claimed her.
Sauron: No, I left her
in lost luggage.
4. sing like an angel
“Where am I,” Sarah asked to no one. She was in a never
ending meadow. Flowers of so many colors that could make the most
sane man in Sarah’s or middle-earth would go crazy.
Faramir: Kinda like
this story?
Boromir: Exactly like
this story.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Hang in there, baby. The butler’s pouring a champagne bath sprinkled with rose
petals for when we get home.
Legolas: *to Faramir* You two are disgusting when you’re romantic.
The green grass was vibrant with life. And there were trees
that were huge and had a terrible beauty.
Treebeard: It wasn’t
me. I swear!
Merry: Couldn’t have
been you, Treebeard. You’d have stomped on her.
Treebeard: Precisely.
Sarah heard her name called out ever so softly. It was as if
the wind itself was talking to her.
Arwen: *as wind* Goooo
kiiiick aaaa treeeee.
Merry: *as wind*
Thaaat biiiig taaaalking treeee, riiight theeeere.
Huorn #290: Treebeard’s got like twenty five
of us homeboys behind him.
Arwen: *to Huorn #290*
We planned on that.
She glanced over her shoulder trying to find the person who
was talking to her. She heard it again. Sarah was now starting to run behind
trees looking for the person with the sweet soft voice.
Huorn #73: Can we eat her?
Huorn #542: She’s within range.
Huorn #290: I don’t think we’re allowed to eat
her unless she kicks Treebeard in the shins, or something.
Huorn #111: But I’m hungry.
Pippin: *to Huorn
#111* Want an apple? I brought my own.
Huorn #111: Thank you very much, Pip. You
know, you’re not half bad. I’m sorry I tried to kill you way back when.
Pippin: *to Huorn
#111* It’s all good, it’s all good.
“Sarah, my name is Galadriel. For you have been wondering
who sent you here to Middle-Earth. You need to know you are not insane.
Galadriel: *to Sarah*
But we all are.
Celeborn: *to Sarah*
Thanks to your story.
Aragorn: *to Sarah*
Bitch.
I sent you here
because it is your destiny. For I have long known of the War of the Ring. I
know that the fellowship will break up and part ways, that
is why you are here. You must keep them safe.
Elrond: It’s rather
fun to look around the room and see you all roll your eyes simultaneously. In perfect sync, no less.
You have great skills that will help the fellowship. I ask
you here today to protect them from harm.”
Galadriel: I actually
have a plan. If she tries to protect the Fellowship, she’ll surely bite the
dust.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: She wouldn’t last five seconds against a horde of orcs. Or a horde of goblins.
Boromir: Or about one
second against a horde of Uruk-Hai.
Saruman: *to Boromir* You are probably the last person who should make jokes about
dying at the hands of the Uruk-Hai.
Boromir: *to Saruman*
Good point.
Sarah sat to the ground. What does she mean great skills. I’m just a normal sixteen year old from
Gríma: Actually, these
are all just questions.
Arwen: We just don’t
give a shit about answering them.
I must really be insane.
“My dear Sarah, I already told you, you are not crazy. And
for your skill have you ever realized that you heal fast. After that accident
you hade only a few minutes later you were walking when you should have been
dead. you are what men call a natural healer.
Aragorn: Some men.
Other men call her a natural bint.
A natural healer is very rare. They are immortal, unlike
elves you can not die of a broken heart or fatal wound.
Boromir: An
un-killable Mary Sue?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I’m frightened. Hold me?
Boromir: *huggles
Faramir* I’ll hold you nice and tight, little brother.
Aragorn: You two won’t
even make it to the champagne bath, will you?
Boromir: *to Aragorn* In all likelihood? No.
You can also heal others.
Arwen: Usually the
reveal of the depth of Mary Sue-dom is progressive, but this chick’s throwing
it all at us at once.
Crebain from Dunland:
Is that like killing two birds with one stone, or something? Because
legally we can peck her eyes out for that.
That is why I chose you to come here to Middle-Earth. Now I
must leave, and please take care of the fellowship.”
Celeborn: *to
Galadriel* I am sorely disappointed in you, my wife, for bringing this girl to
Middle Earth.
Galadriel: *to
Celeborn* I am remarkably cranky about this, so if you want to hang on to all
your male bits, go treat yourself to a cream puff and give me some space.
Bitch.
The voice left and a sudden blast of cold air blasted Sarah
down. Darkness had her yet again.
Sauron: I don’t want her!
Can I punt her back your way, guys?
Lalalalalalalala
Sam: *covering ears*
Oh my God, what is that?
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *covering ears* It’s worse than me!
Merry: *covering ears*
Seriously guys, I think my eardrums are gonna explode!
Legolas: *covering
ears* Aragorn, honey, do something!
Aragorn: *covering
ears* What the hell do you want me to do Leggy, cut
the “lalalalala”s from the page?
Boromir: *brandishes
scissors, snips*
Gollum: We swears to serve the Master of the scissors!
Boromir: *to Gollum*
Get off my leg, ugly little man.
“My lord Elrond she is awake.” an unknown elf said. Sarah
was in the healing ward of the House of Elrond.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* I
remember that day. You had to practically shut down Imladris to keep quarantine.
Elrond: Well, I didn’t
want anyone catching her cooties.
“Lady Sarah, you are one lucky girl.
Saruman: Such
beautiful language you’re all using in Imladris these days.
Elrond: It’s not Rivendell,
you tosser, it’s Rivendale. Don’t go on at me.
When I was trying to heal you I pushed out.
Arwen: Uh…
Boromir:
Hahahahahahaha.
Haldir: Hahaha, so
THAT’s how you’re healing people these days, huh Elrond?
Elrond: *fumes* I have
absolutely no idea what she’s talking about!
Faramir: Uh huh. *snickers* Dirty old elf.
It was very strange it never once happened before in the
history of the elves.”
Faramir: He’s quite
right. Legolas has never once slipped out, has he Boromir?
Boromir: Nosiree.
Aragorn: I’m going to
piss on Denethor’s grave as soon as I get back to the
“Lord Elrond, please do not call me lady. And what happened
to me that I needed healing for,” Sarah shuddered. She was very nervous. She never
was around an elf before and knew not how to act.
Merry: Don’t make any
sudden movements.
Frodo: Or high pitched
noises.
Merry: And whatever
you do, never let them smell your fear.
“Lady Sarah you had three ringwaith swords in you heart.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *sighs* We tried so hard.
Boromir: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* You did your best,
lad. We salute you.
Even if they were normal swords you should have died.
Elrond: At least,
that’s what we were hoping.
Not even an elf can have that happen to them without
falling in the dark.
Gandalf: I remember
Legolas tripping all over Moria. Quite amusing really.
Legolas: *scowls*
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: Yes Pip?
Pippin: Remember the
time in Moria, with Legolas…
Frodo: Oh, oh, and
that dwarf thing Gimli taught us…
Boromir: I remember
that! With that stone with the hole…
Merry: Haha. That
night was a riot.
Legolas: It was
rather, wasn’t it? Hah.
Aragorn: *throws up
hands* I give up.
I feel there is something special about you.
Elrond: Henceforth,
you shall ride to school on the short bus.
There has never been a women in
the Council of Elrond before, but I think you should one to the next in two
days.”
Gandalf: Oh not again.
Aragorn: *to Elrond* You just can’t stop yourself, can you, Elrond?
Frodo: You know what?
Screw you, Elrond. Let’s see YOU take the ring to
Éomer: How many
Councils of Elrond are there, anyway?
Arwen: *to Éomer* Oh
God, he throws one almost every week. Usually they include a ballroom dance
competition.
“Of course I will.”
You know I don’t think this adventure will be all that
easy.
Frodo: It won’t be
easy for us to endure, that’s for certain.
Lalalalalalala
Théoden: *covering
ears* No, no!
Huorn #571: *covering ears* Make it stop!
Huorn #29: *covering ears* Please Treebeard,
make it stop!
Boromir: *brandishes
scissors, snips*
Frodo: Phew.
Huorn #29: *to Boromir* We
owe you. Ever done it tree style?
Boromir: Um…no, that’s
quite alright. This one’s on the house.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You’re turning down sex?
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Last time I tried that I got an unbelievable splinter…
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Say no more.
“Sarah your not eating your
steak!!
Saruman: Classy fare
in Imladris these days, too.
Can I have it?” Pippin asked with excitement in his voice.
Pippin: Yeah, can I
have it?
Merry: The steak isn’t
real, Pippin. Get on with your apples.
“Of course go ahead eat it,” Sarah said
“Lady Sarah, why don’t you ever eat your meat.
Boromir: She can eat
my meat, instead.
Faramir: *hits
Boromir* You give us such a bad image, you know that?
You always give it to one of the halflings.” Aragorn said.
“I don’t eat meat,
Frodo: Oh, great. Do
you have any idea how much gas eating vegetables gives you?
Pippin: Lembas, too.
and how many times do I have to tell you not to call me lady,
it makes me feel old.”
Arwen: I think that’s
the first time I’ve ever seen the “don’t-call-me-lady” complex explained.
Legolas: Enlightening.
Boromir: Or something.
“And also have you heard from your family yet. It seems
like no one here heard of them,
Aragorn: They are
probably off in the Undying Lands celebrating how well the “dump Sarah on
Middle Earth” plan worked.
and you said you want to leave as soon as possible.
Elrond: More to the
point, we want her to leave as soon as possible.
Most people would want to stay here for a long time, you
know.”
Aragorn: …but I know
you’re not like most people, so you’d best start packing. I’ll lend you a hand!
Sarah never told
Legolas: And it was
such a subtle, iron-clad lie, too. We didn’t think it was strange at all, did
we, fellas?
Boromir: Least of all Aragorn,
he’s still going on about it.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
Tell him to pipe down.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
I’m just the Steward, you’re the King!
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
Yes but he’ll listen to you, you’re banging him.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
Not my job, man. Half the people in this room are banging Boromir.
Boromir: Way more than
half.
Nor did she tell him about being asked to sit in for the
Council of Elrond. All she said to him was that she wanted to leave Rivendale,
because she was afraid that the ringwaiths would track her down and try to stab
her again.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: A very, very, very legitimate fear.
Sarah was to afraid that Aragon would ask her question, all
that she did not want to answer.
Legolas: Don’t worry,
Sarah. Aragorn doesn’t care enough to ask you any more questions.
Aragorn: Ever again.
And if I do, you have permission to cut out my tongue.
“Sarah you know that night when you said you sung badly,
you were wrong you sing like an angle.
Merry: A wide angle.
Pippin: An acute
angle.
Merry: An obtuse
angle.
Pippin: A right angle.
Merry: A complementary
angle.
Pippin: A
supplementary angle.
Merry: A vertical
angle.
Pippin: An alternate
interior angle.
Merry: An alternate
exterior angle.
Pippin: A
corresponding angle.
Sam: A triangle.
Faramir: I am going to
murder every geometry teacher in the Shire.
That is why I asked
Lord Elrond to MAKE you sing tonight, so go up there and sing,” said Frodo with
an evil look in his eyes.
Frodo: …because he knew
that, in secret, Lord Elrond had gathered the wolves of Isengard just beyond
sight. Everybody knows wargs are trained to viciously attack vocalists.
Saruman: Especially
those who sing like an angle.
“YOU DID WHAT,” she whimpered with a
venom in her voice.
“I don’t know what to sing.”
“Just sing from your heart now SING.”
Aragorn: Frodo, you
are so lucky there are an elf and three hobbits between us right now. You’d be
seeing the imprint of my palm across your face.
Boromir: I love it
when Aragorn gets cranky.
Sarah carefully strode up to the stage. She had no idea of
what to sing. It was at the house of Elrond of all places.
Legolas: And the
acoustics are notoriously bad there.
After about a minute of thinking of a suitable song, one
just popped into her head.
Pippin: I wonder if it
was our song.
Merry: I don’t think
so, Pip, “Rockin’ the W’s” hasn’t even been released here.
Frodo: Only a matter
of time, though. We’ve got labels begging us to sign.
Faramir: It’s all coming together for you lads, isn’t it?
Sam: Totally. Frodo’s
awesome on the bass…
Frodo: And Sam is a
thunder god on the drums…
Merry: And I am the
hottest guitarist in Middle Earth.
Sam: Pippin has a
voice like an angel.
Merry: As opposed to
an angle.
Frodo: And an
unexpected talent for lyrics!
Arwen: Go on then,
Pip. Give us a sneak preview. Maybe it’ll distract us from the disaster that is
bound to be whatever Sarah is about to sing.
Pippin: Alright. Okay.
This is from our single “Rockin’ the W’s” and it goes a little something like
this: *screeches, a la heavy metal* “DEEP IN THE DARKNESS SATAN SITS UPON HIS
BLACKENED THRONE TORTURING THE INNOCENT ON LAKES OF BLOOD AND FIELDS OF BONE…”
Hobbits: *headbanging*
The Rest: …
Sauron: Is the
Scottish hobbit alright? Because he looks rather possessed.
Faramir: I think it’s
pretty neat, actually. Pippin’s got a Sebastian Bach thing going on.
Merry: *to Faramir* You should see him in his little leather short pants.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I think we need to clear Friday night for the Hobbiton Battle of the Bands,
dude.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Totally. Hobbit weed, hobbit rock.
Aragorn: Hobbit ale.
Legolas: Little men
who only come up to waist height.
Boromir: *to Legolas* That’s very convenient.
Faramir: Ahh, good
times.
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
Elrond: That’d be some
more plagiarism, right there.
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one, and I walk alone
I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone.
Arwen: Oy vey, with
the walking alone already.
My shadow’s the only one who walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Haldir: That’s fixable.
*readies arrow*
Some times I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then, I walk alone
I’m walking down the line
Treebeard: Rip off!
Faramir: WTF?
Treebeard: Green Day’s
ripping off Johnny Cash.
Gandalf: That’s
marginal, at best.
Saruman: But we’ll
give you an “A” for effort.
That diulides me
Frodo: Is that the
actual word Green Day used?
Éowyn: It was
“divides.”
Théoden: Divides,
diulides. Let’s not argue details.
some where in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines of what’s
Fucked up
Merry: This story’s
fucked up even without reading between the lines.
and everything alright
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive
Théoden: Speaking of
which, has anyone checked Gamling’s, lately? He’s been very quiet.
Gamling: I’m fine,
sire. I’ve just been reading my DVD recorder’s manual. Way more interesting
than this tale.
Théoden: *kiss kiss*
Glad to know you’re still with us, darling.
And a walk alone
I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone. I walk alone
Bilbo: Even I haven’t
bragged this much about walking alone.
I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk alone
Boromir: The way I
figure it, that’s pretty accurate.
Faramir: Howso?
Boromir: None of us
would ever walk with her.
My shadow’s the only one who walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Some times I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then, I walk alone
When Sarah finished the song she opened her eyes, which she
closed during the song, to see shocked faces.
Celeborn: Shocked by
the piss-poor singing.
Elrond: Shocked that
Saruman’s wargs ran the other way.
Gandalf: Not so much
shocked by that as dismayed.
Then an elf in the back that the shadows covered him so
Sarah couldn’t see him
Gimli: Wanna bet
that’ll be Legolas in a sequel?
Legolas: *to Gimli*
No, and if you give her any ideas I will make good on Aragorn’s threat to
drop-kick you.
Gimli: You’re so sexy
when you play rough, elvish princeling.
Legolas: *purrs*
started to clap, and the rest followed. Well I guess
that’s a good thing.
Merry: We were all
incredibly relieved the torture had ended.
Sarah went and sat back down in her place in between
Aragorn and Frodo.
Aragorn: Watch me edge
my seat away. Hell, I’d sooner sit on Boromir’s lap than next to this chick.
Boromir: *flutters
eyelashes*
“Sarah that song tell me, was it
about you. If it is I never knew of a life so sad!”Merry asked from across the
table.
Frodo: Or of grammar
so incorrect!
Merry: Did you note
the little touch of hopefulness in my voice when I asked that?
Pippin: *to Merry*
Hopeful that she wasn’t really so sad?
Merry: No, Pip. Nevermind.
Aragorn: I caught it, Merry.
Subtle, but touching.
“Not originally.” is all she said before she got up and
left for her room.
Elrond: …which elicited even greater applause.
Legolas: I chafed my
palms.
Boromir: *to Legolas*
Sure that wasn’t from when you came over to Faramir’s, and we ran out of that
oil…
Aragorn: I’m leaving. Right now.
Arwen: *to Gandalf* Is that going to get us into contract trouble?
Gandalf: The story’s
ended, so I think we’re in the clear.
Legolas: *runs after
Aragorn* Elessar? Pumpkin? Babydoll?
I do not own LOTR or Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Saruman: That’s a
shock.
Sauron: I could have
sworn this was a collaborative effort between Tolkien and Green Day.
Gandalf: All said, that could have been worse.
Elrond: Yes, at least
there was no clear threat of “TBC” made.
Arwen: TBC?
Elrond: To Be
Continued.
Arwen: Oh yes, I’ll be
devastated if she does decide to continue. Inevitably a sequel to a brilliant
piece of literature like this would end up in the hands of Management and then,
well…another day spent in the clutches of a Mary Sue.
Elrond: Never fear. I
heard a rumor Management will be giving us another Van Helsing story next.
Faramir: What???
Boromir: Well we knew
it was only a matter of time, bro.
Faramir: I was so
enjoying my holiday from being Carl. *pouts*
Boromir: Nevermind
that, Faramir, I’ll take you home for that champagne bath. I’ll give you a nice
long rub-down and then I’ll roll you on your belly and…
Gandalf: STOP,
Boromir! There are too many mouths here for just one bucket.
Boromir: *stomps*
Fine. We’re gone.
Sméagol: *to Boromir* Don’t forgets us, Master!
Boromir: *to Sméagol*
Look, Gollum, I see a shiny gold ring over there! *points*
Faramir: *to Boromir* That was cruel.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Do
you really want him peering at us all night?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Good point. Let’s get going before he gives up the hunt.
Sam: Why is Stinker
crying?
Merry: Look at him,
all huddled in the corner there. Aw, he’s like a little puppy dog, really.
Pippin: *sniffles*
Frodo: What’s wrong,
Sméagol?
Sméagol: Master
tricksed us! We looked everywheres for the shiny ring, we dids.
Merry: *to Frodo* You can’t leave him like that, he’s a mess.
Frodo: *to Sméagol*
Come along. I’ll take you on that fishing trip.
Sméagol: We swears to serve the Master of the rod and the reel! *does a
dance of rapture*
Sam: Aw, isn’t that
sweet?
Pippin: I kinda want
to go fishing, Merry.
Merry: How about a
mushroom raid instead, Pip?
Pippin: I’ll get the
ski masks and meet you at Farmer Maggot’s in an hour.
Celeborn: *to
Galadriel* Feeling any better now, my darling?
Galadriel: No. I’m
going back to Caras Galadhon for a margarita and some Midol.
Celeborn: *to
Galadriel* So should I pick up Ben n’ Jerry’s and some
Hershey bars on the way home?
Galadriel: *to
Celeborn* You have to ask?
Haldir: Chocolate,
mmm. I love it when the Lady of Light gets PMS.
Huorn #111: Well, I’m
off to the local for an ent draught. Anyone?
Huorn #73: I’m in.
Huorn #542: Is it
darts night, as well?
Treebeard: Yes, let’s
go get a few rounds in before the first toss.
Huorn #627: I have to
get home, guys. It’s late and the wife gets right ratty if I miss dinner.
Huorn #29: Yeah, and
#571 and I have the graveyard shift on Fangorn patrol.
Huorn #290: Tonight’s my
bath night, so I’ll see you lot later.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* What are you up to tonight?
Elrond: *to Gandalf* It’s Arwen’s and my “Gone With the Wind” night. Every other Thursday.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* Doesn’t watching that film over and over get old?
Elrond: *to Gandalf*
Film? No, no. We act it out. And if I don’t get back to Imladris soon she won’t
have enough time to get my corset perfectly tight.
Gandalf: Uh, I see.
Well…have a good time, then.
Elrond: Wanna join,
Gandalf? We’ve nobody to play Rhett Butler…
Saruman: Oh go on,
Gandy, you know you’re dying to try on a black moustache.
Gandalf: Oh, alright,
consider my arm twisted.
Bilbo: *to Elrond* Any other parts available?
Elrond: *to Bilbo* You could play Mammy.
Bilbo: *to Elrond* With or without the red petticoat?
Elrond: *to Bilbo* With, of course!
Bilbo: I’m in.
Gimli: *rehearsing
Prissy* “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies!”
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Can I play?
Elrond: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* We still need a
Melanie.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Depends. Who’s playing Ashley?
Elrond: Saruman.
Saruman: A kissing
scene, and all!
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: …Alright.
Gandalf: Wait a
minute, what about Glorfindel?
Arwen: Glorfindel
usually plays the carrot Adar digs up in the “as God is my witness” scene. But
in a pinch he’ll do Suellen, Carreen, and Pork.
Balrog: He used to do
Aunt Pittypat too, but I stole the part.
Bilbo: *to Arwen* Who do you play?
Arwen: Belle Watling,
of course!
Gandalf: *to Arwen* We’ve got some meaty scenes together.
Théoden: You didn’t
say much today Éomer. Feeling okay?
Éomer: Oh yeah. I was
just busy reading Gamling’s DVDR manual over his shoulder.
Gamling: Fascinating stuff,
when compared to these stories.
Théoden: So are we up
for another night at Helm’s Deep?
Sauron: Okay if I tag
along?
Théoden: Sure! The
more the merrier.
Gríma: Great. Just let
me grab my purse…
Éowyn: You carry a
purse, lil G?
Gríma: Well I have to
have someplace to store my black lipstick and handkerchiefs.
Saruman: I guess we’d
better say goodbye before we all bugger off.
Gandalf: Goodbye,
folks.
Elrond: Hope you had a
much, much better time reading this than we did making it.
Arwen: Because there
is no justice in this world, we’ll be seeing you again soon!
Saruman: Entirely too
soon.
Gandalf: Way, way, way
too soon.
Elrond: Well, at least
we won’t actually be in the next one. Thank God for “Van Helsing.”
Gandalf: Quite
possibly the only time that phrase has ever been uttered, Elrond.
Elrond: Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be the last.