LotR / Van Helsing crossover
MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What follows
here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and sometimes just
plain mean MST. Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in the
footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com)
and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my
humble offering in homage.
It also helps if you have seen
“Van Helsing,” seen the extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, listened
to the commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing familiarity of
the LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then you’ll recognize a
couple of the character traits portrayed here.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote
this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do
love them—especially Faramir—else I’d not be lampooning David Wenham slash…)
and for the author, Gabriel’s Angel. I have no idea who
Gabriel’s Angel is, but kudos to you, girl (or boy). Never, ever stop writing.
I mean that seriously.
WARNING: There appears to be a
lot of
Here we go…
Gandalf: Are we all here?
Aragorn: Legolas is just fixing his hair; he’ll be along in a tick.
Gandalf: Anything that involves Legolas touching his hair takes at least a thousand ticks.
Frodo: Welcome back, folks.
Sam: It’s commentary time again!
Faramir: This time we’re reading a story wherein I’m so terrified of a thunderstorm that I trundle into Van Helsing’s bed and he, uh, comforts me.
Frodo: And in order for half of the preceding statement to make any sense whatsoever, you must know that this is not a “Rings” story. It’s a “Van Helsing” story.
Boromir: My little brother’s been up to lots of mischief—apparently he’s a naughty friar named “Carl” in some far, far away time & place. My brother. A holy man. *snickers*
Faramir: Well friars do get to cuss and have sex.
Boromir: Thank God for that! I was afraid we might lose a vital component of our relationship.
Faramir: What, the profanity?
Boromir: No, the hot brother-on-brother action.
Faramir: Give up that? Banish the thought!
Frodo: Where’s Legolas?
Gandalf: He’s doing his hair.
Faramir: Well that’s torn it. I’m starting; I want to get this over with. He’ll just have to catch up later. So then. Here’s the deal, to recap and expound.... I’m Carl. I’m in an alternate universe, very unlike Arda. I hang out with Van Helsing, who hunts monsters. I’m a friar. I’m blonde. And I am, in fact, the only person in this room full of people who…
Haldir: Yo!
Merry: Ey up.
Pippin: ‘ello!
Arwen: Present and accounted for.
Elrond: Ditto.
Gollum: Yesses precious.
Sméagol: Good Sméagol’s always here.
Éowyn: *sighs* Fine, if I MUST do this, then yes, I’m here.
Éomer: Where my sister goes, I go.
Saruman: Sometimes I’m here.
Treebeard: Me too.
Theoden: Me three.
Gamling: I had a one-liner last time.
Bilbo: So did I.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Me too.
Balrog: Technically I did too, but I got a couple mentions, as well! Go me.
Glorfindel: I’m here! I’m here! I’m here! I’m here! Look at me! I’m here!
Peter Jackson: Didn’t someone post security at the door?
Haldir: He was on the list.
Peter Jackson: Who the hell did that?
Sauron: Boo.
Galadriel: Nevermind PJ. Just let him stay. How bad could it be?
Celeborn: You have the gift of foresight, my love. What do you see?
Galadriel: That
I’m going to be having a
Gimli: I’m not going to participate until Leggy gets back from primping.
Aragorn: Gimli, you do know he’s here with me, right? Uh…he is…right?
Boromir: *blows
the horn of Gondor* Shut up, you prats. The Steward was speaking...
Faramir: *beams* Thank you, Boromir. As I was saying, I am, in fact, the ONLY PERSON in this room who’s actually in this story.
Boromir: We just tag along because we love him.
Éowyn: We just tag along because we love to take the piss.
Faramir: FFS, let’s just get this thing over with. Who’s still missing?
All: Legolas.
Faramir: Glorfindel, go to the loo and tell Legolas there’s a hair care emergency out here.
Legolas: Phew, got here as soon as I could. Where’s the emergency?
Haldir: It’s a Carl story. Blonde bowl cut? Need I say more?
Legolas: Oh my God. It really IS a hair emergency. Aragorn, why didn’t you send for me sooner??
Aragorn: I wanted you to have as much “pretty pretty elf” time as possible, smoochiekins.
Legolas: Aw, pumperdoodle. *flutters lashes*
Aragorn: *sighs dreamily*
Gimli: Alright, we start NOW, before I bring somebody’s pretty face to my axe.
Gandalf: *clears throat* Today we will be commenting on…
Nightmares
By Gabriel’s Angel
All: *one or two claps*
Rating: PG-13 (For
fluff and two men laying in bed together
Pippin: I like fluff on peanut butter sandwiches.
Merry: Pip, it’s not that kind of fluff.
Aragorn: It could be.
Arwen: Never underestimate the mind of a slasher.
Boromir: Hang about. It’s only PG-13? I’m leaving.
Éomer: You can’t. Contract, remember?
Boromir: *grumbles*
Plot: Carl's afraid of
losing something dear to him... and he's scared
of lightning.
Éowyn: Actually, that’s the case in real life, too. Any time there’s a thunderstorm Faramir sneaks out of bed and hides somewhere…
Faramir: Have you clocked that I also sneak out of bed when an owl hoots, or the wind changes, or the crickets sing, or…
Éowyn: You have a lot of phobias.
Faramir: *exasperated* They’re not phobias, bitch. I sneak out of bed to get away from you.
Legolas: And because a certain Silvan elf lives ‘round the block.
Aragorn: Who? Do I know him?
~~~~~~~~~~
The night air was
sharp and cold which was not unnatural for a place
like this,
Gandalf: I should have thought sharp air would be quite unnatural.
Frodo: Painful to breathe.
Pippin: Like those people who swallow razors and thumbtacks and…you know, Faffy from Hardbottle told me…
Merry: I am officially forbidding you from ever talking to that lunatic again.
but could have done well enough without the
thunderstorm.
Haldir: I felt the same way at Helm’s Deep.
Legolas: Made hair very hard to manage.
Van Helsing looked out
the window of his room into the
Boromir: That’d be disconcerting.
The storm raged
outside, blowing dust, huge drops of rain and bits of rock around
the area.
Treebeard: Bits of rock? That’s my kind of storm!
Aragorn: Unless it was a hurricane or a tornado, how they hell did this thing pick up rocks?
Elrond: And why was it dusty if there was so much rain?
Arwen: Huge drops of rain, no less.
Saruman: Let me get this straight. First, it’s dusty, yes?
All: Yes.
Saruman: Then it starts raining obnoxiously large raindrops, which do not wet the ground to alleviate the dust problem.
All: Yes.
Saruman: Then pieces of rock apport from the ether and compete with the raindrops for “worst storm accessory of the year.”
All: Yes.
Saruman: Okay. Just checking
He was wearing long
sleeping pants and a sleeping shirt to
keep him warm,
Boromir: He’s clearly a lightweight. *to Faramir* You never wear clothes in bed.
Faramir: *to Boromir* I don’t need them. You keep me warm.
Boromir: Exactly.
but the cold air still swept in.
Aragorn: Like a Prima Donna. Demanding Evian, its own private dressing room, and a foot massage before curtain.
Theoden: I never knew you were in operas, Elessar!
Arwen: He wasn’t. He’s talking about how he behaves backstage at the annual Minas Tirith Gong Show.
Aragorn: We do
Sonny and
He had not been able to
sleep well since he returned from his mission in
Boromir: *sings*
“I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual
Faramir: Aw, man! I haven’t seen that movie in years!
Boromir: We should totally watch it next Halloween.
Horrible nightmares of
Dracula and Anna dying plagued his sleep.
Boromir: I’d have thought Anna dying would’ve been a good dream.
Legolas: He’d still have the Dracula dreams to handle.
Elrond: It’s a mathematical rule: positive and negative cancel each other.
Arwen: So it’s all good, then.
Boromir: But I really would’ve liked that dream with Anna dying…
He shook his head, he was use to it by now,
Merry: Used to the fleas.
Pippin: *shakes head like a dog*
but he still admitted that he needed a good night
sleep.
Éowyn: I use that excuse every time Faramir wants to, you know…
Faramir: Every time? I stopped trying after one.
He shrugged and
clubbed back into bed,
Legolas: Clubbing his way back to bed with a glow stick, some X, and a surprisingly convincing tranny in stiletto heels.
Faramir: Pretty average evening in Emyn Arnen, wouldn’t you say?
hoping to get
Boromir: Laid.
some relief,
Frodo: Preparation H.
Éomer: Dude, seriously. What’s with all the OTC med references?
Frodo: Can I help it if I have a few…dozen medical issues?
Sam: I take good care of him. Don’t I, Mr. Frodo?
Éomer: With the Preparation H?
Arwen: This is going to a very uncomfortable place.
when he heard a gentle sound.
Merry: The tinkling of a thousand tiny bells.
Pippin: And a thousand tiny angels getting their wings.
It sounded slightly
like a
child crying,
Boromir: I’ve heard Faramir make that noise before.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* You’re a brute.
Boromir: I do try.
just before he heard
a knock on his door.
"Who"s
there?" He called,
Elrond: This dialogue is brilliant. I’m glued to my seat.
Gandalf: It’s not THAT good…
Elrond: No, I’m seriously glued to my seat. Who the fuck spat out chewing gum on my chair?
Glorfindel: *hums*
taking the candle from his bed side and
walking over to the door.
Faramir: This story would be much more interesting with the additional use of adjectives. Or adverbs. I’m not picky.
Merry: “Taking the black candle resolutely from the bloodstained bed side and walking menacingly over to the heavy steel trap door.”
Faramir: Better. Disturbing, but better.
He placed his hand on
the knob
Boromir: Hahahahaha. Fantastic.
and turned it.
He was almost stunned
to see who stood before him.
Arwen: Almost.
Aragorn: But not quite.
"Carl?"
Carl stood before him
in a friar's nightgown,
Haldir: Aw, I want a picture!
Galadriel: Come by my mirror later.
Haldir: You have pictures?
Celeborn: Better. She has the whole thing on DVD.
holding a candle in one
hand and a pillow in the other.
Faramir: I needed the candle to see clearly when I suffocated him with the pillow.
Legolas: Atta boy.
Boromir: I am so proud! *sniffles*
He was shaking and his
eyes were bright
red,
Theoden: He needs an eye exam. Or an exorcism.
Gandalf: Well
they’re standing in the
indicating that he had been crying.
Elrond: Ah, is THAT what red eyes indicate?
Saruman: Good little tidbit to file away for future knowledge, isn’t it?
Elrond: You learn something new about the race of men every day.
Saruman: Not something interesting, but something new.
Van Helsing had seen
his
friend scared before, but never like this.
Faramir: For fuck’s sake, it’s just a thunderstorm.
Treebeard: But it IS blowing rocks.
Boromir: “Blowing rocks” is entirely too easy to turn into a crude sexual reference.
Aragorn: Goodness, you’re actually going to take the mature route and refrain?
Boromir: I didn’t say that. I said it’s entirely too easy. Means I have to do less work.
"Carl?" He
asked his friend again gently, "Carl, are you alright?
Is something
wrong?"
Legolas: *as Carl* No, Van Helsing. I just, well. I just have this problem, you see…
Haldir: *as Carl* I had a really big glass of warm milk before I went to bed, and, I, uh…
Elrond: I heard
they beat bed wetters in the
Sauron: My kind of place.
Carl sniffled a
little, "May I come in? I just don"t want to
be
alone right now. I had a bad dream."
Aragorn: *as Carl* I had this really bad dream somebody cut the tails off all my My Little Ponies…
Arwen: *as Carl* And gave all the little brushes to that elvish prince pretty-boy.
Legolas: Don’t mock. Those brushes are surprisingly useful.
Faramir: I hate all of you.
Van Helsing"s
eyes widened, "Oh... well, yes. Come in, come in."
Merry: *as Van Helsing* “Come in, come in. Want some gingerbread and gumdrops and peppermint and icing? Ignore the cages and that big oven over there…”
He said, moving away so
his friend could enter. Carl entered,
Boromir: …and lasted all of thirty seconds…
Faramir: Don’t even start. I know WAY too many secrets about you.
placed
his candle on the dresser,
Frodo: Candles play an important role in this story.
Sam: I heard they’re up for a Golden Globe.
went over to Van Helsing"s bed at once
Legolas: Hop to it, boy!
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Is Faramir always so compliant?
Boromir: *to Aragorn* After a couple mugs of ale he’s anyone’s.
and
sat down, clutching to his pillow.
Frodo: Clutching TO his pillow?
Éowyn: Don’t bother. Let’s just get through this sodding story.
Pippin: Sodden?
Merry: No, Pip. That was the last
one.
Van Helsing followed
and sat down
beside him.
Frodo: Gee Carl, it sure is swell to have my good buddy here on my bed.
Sam: Thanks Van Helsing. Is this the part where you fuck me?
Frodo: *gasps* Sam!
All: *stare in disbelief*
Carl looked sadly at
his friend, as though ashamed that he had
come to Van Helsing this late at night.
Faramir: But if I’d come to him earlier in the evening, it would have been alright?
Aragorn: Being afraid of storms is only embarrassing if your fear lasts past quarter-til-midnight.
Boromir: I know that look. The “sad and ashamed big puppy dog eyes ravish me now” look.
Legolas: Faramir totally rocks that look. Works every time.
Aragorn: *raises eyebrow*
Legolas: Uh, not that I’ve ever seen it personally. Why would I want to ravish Faramir? No no no…I’m just guessing he’s got that look down to a science.
Faramir: *snickers*
He tried to change the
subject.
Merry: I hat math do U want 2 do English instead?
"I like your
room." He said, looking around, "You have one of the
nicest rooms in the
Aragorn: *as Carl* That’s a particularly fine crucifix over there.
Boromir: *as Carl* And the whip for self-flagellation is way fancier than mine.
Gandalf: *as Carl* How much did this baby set you back per night?
Van Helsing smiled,
Carl"s attempt didn"t fool him at all,
Merry: It takes a monster hunter’s instincts to tell when someone has or has not come to discuss home décor. Especially when he’s come to his room in the middle of the night, in his nightgown, clutching his pillow, and talking about bad dreams.
"Thank
you... are you feeling okay?"
Pippin: I’m bored.
Merry: We all are, Pip. We all are.
"Oh... yes."
Carl lied, "I"m just so sorry to call on you this
late, I must have disturbed your sleep."
Boromir: Impressive powers of inductive reasoning.
Faramir: You really are a bastard, you know that?
"Oh,
no." Van Helsing said,
"I haven"t been able to sleep
ether. I"ve been having nightmares too...
Frodo: *as Carl* OMG we should totally swap dream journals.
It"s usually
about Anna, I
keep seeing her die.
Boromir: Yes! Yes! Yes!!
Aragorn: Settle!
Or I see Dracula
coming back to haunt me.
Arwen: *raps* “I feel the ghost from within, coming back to haunt me.”
Elrond: *to Arwen* You are so not gangsta.
I know
it"s not real, but it feels so horrible."
Theoden: He’s pretty, uh, sensitive for a manly man.
Gamling: Now now, my liege, there’s nothing wrong with a man displaying a little honest emotion.
Theoden: Oh Gamling, my Gamling, I’d positively die without you. *kiss kiss*
Éomer: You’re ALREADY dead—and you know what? Kinda blocking my spotlight. Shove over, old man.
"But, Van
Helsing," Carl said gently, "Anna forgave you. She
wanted you to move on and not dwell on her memory.
Faramir: But Boromir won’t let him.
Boromir: *nods* Damn straight.
As for Dracula... it
will go away. I know you wanted to know about
your past, but Dracula only
wanted to hurt you, so you should not trust what
he was going to tell
you."
Frodo: Huh?
Merry: Are the tenses this confused in the film?
Faramir: Pretty much.
He gently put his hand
atop Van Helsing"s hand, "It must not
have been good."
Boromir: But I can make it sooooooo goooood… *purrs*
Aragorn: *eyeing Boromir’s mouth* Did anybody bring any duct tape?
Van Helsing smiled and
ruffled Carl"s hair, "Thank you, that really
helped me.
Sméagol: Always helps to haves someones to talk to, don’t it precious?
Gollum: Always helps indeed, my precious, my love.
Arwen: *to Elrond* That little skinny dude? Sorta creeping me out.
What about you? What
the these nightmares you have been
having?"
Carl"s smile
faded, "No. I don"t want to talk about it.
It"s...
scary."
Frodo: Bwahahahaha.
Legolas: *to Faramir* How old are you again?
Faramir: I’ve led a sheltered life, alright? I’m a goddamned friar. Cut me some slack.
He said, sounding like
a frightened little child.
Haldir: S’ok. Van Helsing will give him a lollipop and everything will be all better.
"It helped
me." Van Helsing said, "It should help you. You
don"t have to if you don"t want to, but it
should help."
Faramir: I once considered having “You don’t have to if you don’t want to” engraved on Boromir’s horn.
Aragorn: That sounds painful.
Carl sighed,
"Well... I dreamt we were back at Castle Dracula
Merry: …the new roller coaster at Six Flags…
Pippin: Hell of a queue for that.
and you
were facing the werewolf. I was standing in a
corner and there was
nothing I could do to help. And suddenly the
werewolf attacked and.... you
died."
Boromir: Old Carl. Sent to the corner again. Hah.
Frodo: Like “The Blair Witch Project”?
Aragorn: Hang on. I thought that Van Helsing WAS the werewolf?
Faramir: He was.
Aragorn: So how is he facing the werewolf?
Arwen: Or being killed by the werewolf?
Grima: You guys already said he was taking X before bed. Don’t overanalyze it, man.
Saruman: Grima! Wassup, lil’ G?
Van Helsing"s
eyes widened.
Boromir: These guys are a couple of pussies.
Faramir: IT WAS A REALLY SCARY DREAM, ALRIGHT?
He nodded his head,
"Well, I can
understand why you would be scared.
Faramir: See?
But
that didn"t happen.
We"re both
still alive and well."
Aragorn: And
you’re here. And I’m here. And we’re sitting on this sexy Vatican cot, in this
sexy
"But it could
have happened!" Carl began to cry again,
Faramir: I’ve never wanted to bitch-slap myself before, but now I’m seeing the appeal.
Éowyn: Want me to do the honor?
"I would
have never seen you again!"
Haldir: Chin up, pup. Just because people die doesn’t meant you never see them again.
Legolas: You’re walking proof.
Van Helsing watched as
his friend began to cry,
Faramir: *throws up hands* I give up. Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Go bring him back. If he leaves now he’ll be in breach of contract.
it was truly a
heartbreaking sight.
Elrond: This entire story is a heartbreaking sight.
He wrapped his arms
around Carl and began to rock him
gently in his arms.
Legolas: *sings* “Baby mine, don't you cry…”
Aragorn: *sings* “Baby mine, dry your eyes…”
Gandalf: *sings* “Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.”
Grima: I can never watch that part of “Dumbo” without crying.
Éomer: You cry almost as much as Carl. You don’t count.
Boromir: *sings to Faramir* “You're not much, goodness knows. But you're so precious to me--cute as can be, baby of mine.”
Faramir: …Wow.
Arwen: I think that qualifies as a “moment.”
Sméagol: *sniffles* Precioussss…
After about a moment,
Carl calmed down a bit and
smiled.
Arwen: See? A moment.
"Thank you."
He said kindly, "That was really nice."
Gandalf: Thank you, thank you. *bows* But it was really an ensemble effort.
He looked
down and shuffled his hands slightly,
Merry: They’re playing poker?
Pippin: I like poker night. Beer, pretzels, and cigars.
Merry: Good times.
Pippin: And cheeze doodles.
Merry: Yes, Pip.
Pippin: And peanuts. I forgot the peanuts!
Merry: We get it, Pippin!
"Van Helsing? May I ask a favor
of you?"
Boromir: *as Carl* “Will you suck my cock? It’d sure make me forget about those nightmares!”
Faramir: *glares*
"Sure,
Carl, anything." Van
Helsing told him.
"Can I snuggle
with you?"
Faramir: *slaps his forehead in shame*
Aragorn: Aww, look at that!
Legolas: Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy all over, doesn’t it?
Elrond: Or something.
Carl asked this in a
very soft voice, obviously embarrassed that he
would even ask such a thing.
Boromir: I’m obviously embarrassed to read about him even asking such a thing.
Faramir: You’re the one who always wants to cuddle afterwards.
"Sure."
Pippin: This story is adorable.
Faramir: Shut up, Pip.
Carl looked back at
Van Helsing, surprised at the answer he had gotten.
Legolas: I’ll
admit, Carl’s not exactly the biggest babe around, but they’re in the
Haldir: *chortle*
Legolas: Oh…wait…
Haldir: *laughs hysterically*
Van Helsing smiled and
pulled the covers back from his bed, offering
Carl a place to lay down.
Arwen: Cue porn music.
Carl smiled, crawled to the side and into bed.
Frodo: To the side and into bed?
Sam: Try to keep up, Mr. Frodo.
Van Helsing blew out
the candle
Celeborn: Technically, at this point, there are two candles.
Galadriel: But who’s counting?
and got in on the other side of the
bed. He rolled over and looked at Carl.
Boromir: …and then blew out the other candle, so he wouldn’t have to look at him any longer.
Faramir: Fuck you.
"Feel
better?"
"A
little." Carl said,
"But I am a little cold."
Boromir: *to Faramir* You know perfectly well what you’re doing, don’t you?
Faramir: *eyes twinkling*
Van Helsing wrapped
his arms around the small friar's body and held him
close.
Treebeard: *sings* “Baby mine, don't you cry…”
Merry: Too late, we’ve done that bit.
Treebeard: *sighs* It takes a very long time to sing anything in old entish.
Carl looked up at the
man who was holding him and smiled.
"I feel
better," He said before he leaned up and kissed Van Helsing
on the cheek, "Thank you."
Sauron: This is so moving, I think my Eye is tearing up.
Saruman: Somebody get the Eye a tissue.
Van Helsing smiled
lovely back,
Faramir: Well, it’s an adverb.
Frodo: Misused, but I’ll give her half a point.
before leaning down and kissed Carl on
the lips.
Boromir: Finally, some action.
Faramir: Actually, the story’s over in about 4 lines.
Boromir: WTF???? We sat here all this time watching you cry and singing songs from “Dumbo” and we don’t even get a little smut for the effort?
Gandalf: You knew it was a PG-13 deal.
Boromir: But I also thought, you know, two men in bed together…one thing leads to another…
Faramir: *to Boromir* Want me to make it up to you?
Boromir: Hell yeah!
The kiss was so
gentle, Carl couldn"t even believe he was
getting kissed by Van Helsing.
Boromir: Can we
go yet?
Merry: No.
But
it didn"t matter.
Frodo: Hard kiss, gentle kiss…
Gandalf: Van Helsing, a dirty old bishop…
Frodo: Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
The storm
continued to blow outside, but neither man noticed.
Elrond: It’d take a lot more than a little cuddle and a quick peck on the cheek to make me forget about raining rocks.
Arwen: Weren’t you paying attention? Van Helsing just gave Carl a little kiss on the lips.
Elrond: Oh…well…in that case, who’d care about the Armageddon outside?
Boromir: Can we go yet?
Merry: NO.
That night, nightmares
could not harm those who were held in the arms of
their lovers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grima: I dunno, dude. Have you seen Freddy’s claws?
Legolas: *to Grima* You just ruined a perfectly romantic ending.
Grima: *to Legolas* Is that what Aragorn calls romantic?
Legolas: *to Grima* Get back up on Orthanc so I can target practice.
Grima: *to Legolas* I can show you REAL romance, you know.
Legolas: *to Grima* …okay, I’m game.
Aragorn: Um, Legolas? Boyfriend? King of all men?
Boromir: CAN WE GO YET?
Merry: YES, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Boromir: *grabs Faramir and runs out*
Pippin: Is it over?
Merry: Yes, Pip.
Pippin: That wasn’t so bad. Time for refreshments!
Frodo: That story was mercifully short.
Sam: I rather liked it.
Saruman: *scoffs* Halflings.
Elrond: Well, I guess that leaves just enough time for a mani-pedi.
Arwen: At Saruman’s place?
Elrond: He gave me a coupon.
Galadriel: I cannot believe we came all the way back from the West for this.
Celeborn: *stuffing face at refreshment table* I don’t know. These cream puffs are gorgeous!
Galadriel: *mutters* Token spouse.
Haldir: *to Galadriel* Wanna braid my hair?
Galadriel: Aight. Let’s just swing by my place so I can pick up my pajamas and bunny slippers.
Haldir: Shall we do clay masks again?
Galadriel: You know me well, marchwarden.
Theoden: Room for a dead horsemaster?
Galadriel: Only if you bring Gamling.
Gamling: Sweeeet.
Éowyn: Are there going to be many more of these stories?
Éomer: *dramatically* I know not, dear sister. I know not. *holds her close*
Éowyn: Gah, let me go. I just wanted to know so I could book my Sandals holiday.
Éomer: Ooh. Can I come with?
Éowyn: No.
Éomer: Faramir’s right. You ARE a bitch.
Gimli: *to Treebeard* So. Wanna go get a drink and talk beard?
Legolas: *to Gimli* How could you??
Gimli: *to Legolas* I’m sorry lad, but until you learn how to grow one our relationship will always be…lacking.
Treebeard: *to Legolas* pwned.
Balrog: *crying* I didn’t get to say anything.
Sauron: There, there, little one. Don’t cry! There’ll be other stories!
Gollum: Ohhh yesss…there will be other stories, precious. Everywhere stories, stories, and always the Great Eye writing, writing…
Bilbo: I really don’t even know why I’m here. I had one line in the last one, and I couldn’t get a word in on this one. It’s Denethor’s boys--they’re out of control, I tell you.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Oh well. Party at my place?
Bilbo: Got room for all of us on your fell beast?
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: If not I’ll send Nazgûl #4 back to pick you up.
Glorfindel: Can I come?????
All: No!