LotR / Van Helsing crossover
MST—
What follows here is an
unabashedly rude, crude, and sometimes just plain mean MST. Pretty par for the
course with MSTs! I followed in the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The
Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com)
and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my
humble offering in homage.
It also helps if you have seen
“Van Helsing,” seen the extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy,
listened to the commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing
familiarity of the LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then
you’ll recognize a couple of the character traits portrayed here.
I wrote this with a lot of
love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do love them—especially
Faramir—else I’d not be lampooning David Wenham slash…) and for the author,
Xantissa. I have no idea who Xantissa is, but kudos to you, girl (or boy).
Never, ever stop writing. I mean that seriously.
Now that the hugs and kisses and
mush mush are done, onward we go…
Galadriel: Long has it been since the films were released, and longer still since the writing of the three books…
Celeborn: What my wife is trying to say is that we’re really, really out of work.
Haldir: I still refuse to believe we are THIS desperate.
Gandalf: So, here we go then. Everyone settled?
Pippin: What are we doing again?
Merry: We’re reading a story and saying the first things that pop into our minds. Just try and follow along, Pip.
Frodo: Welcome to the “Full Moon Rising” commentary, folks.
Sam: We’re glad to have you with us.
Faramir: So this story’s about me, right?
Legolas: Not entirely. It’s you in another place, another time. A galaxy far, far away.
Arwen: You’re a friar called “Carl,” and you’re traveling with your friend Van Helsing, who’s a monster hunter.
Aragorn: Who has just morphed into a werewolf, killed Dracula, and morphed out of a werewolf. But not before killing his girlfriend, too.
Boromir: *bounces* Do we get to read about that part?
Aragorn: Settle down!
Gandalf: I’m starting to have second thoughts about signing the contract to do this thing.
Faramir: So this story isn’t about me?
Elrond: Just try and follow along, Faramir.
Title: Full moon
rising
By Xantissa
Pairing: Van
Helsing/Carl
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: some rough
handling,
Boromir: My kind of story. Pass the popcorn?
a little non-con
Frodo: Thank God. I am o-v-e-r those things.
Pippin: What?
Frodo: Conventions.
Sam: *shudders*
some rough sex with a
touch of bestiality but everything in good taste :)
Éomer: *as warning* Well, I’ll fuck this barnyard animal, but only if it’s in good taste.
Boromir: Hahaha. Horsemaster.
basically PWP
Arwen: PWP?
Aragorn: Plot What Plot.
Arwen: Ah.
Aragorn: No, seriously. What plot?
Legolas: You’ve done your homework.
but in few parts. I never seem to be able to write anything short :)
Disclaimer: sadly they
don't belong to me. I am only having some harmless fun with the boys. After all
who would blame me? : -)
Legolas: *eyeing Faramir* Who indeed…
Aragorn: Uh…
Summary: During they
way back to
Frodo: But not unwritten?
Merry: Exactly.
Pippin: I get it. “Don’t be hasty.”
Merry: No, Pip. You really don’t get it.
Author notes: it's all
Joe Lawson's fault!
Gandalf: Sue.
In one of our
conversations that wicked author mentioned Werewolf again and rape and viola!
Aragorn: Voila!
Legolas: Voila! Again, with the werewolves and rape! Voila!
Got me hooked.
Boromir: Legolas hooks.
Legolas: Shut up. I haven’t charged in years.
Aragorn: Um…
Full moon rising
By Xantissa
All: *halfhearted applause*
The night smelled of
trees and wet moss.
Elrond: Ah, elven aphrodisiac.
Gabriel shifted restlessly
to his other side. He couldn't sleep, couldn't rest at all.
Faramir: It’d be a feat if he could shift restlessly while resting.
Frodo: But I wouldn’t put it past him. He is the almighty werewolf-not-werewolf.
Pippin: Who’s Gabriel?
Merry: You know, Pip…for once I don’t have an answer.
Saruman: Gabriel is Van Helsing’s given name.
Gandalf: *to Saruman* Who the fuck invited you?
The feeling of heat,
of restlessness was always with him these days.
Frodo: Except when he is being restless while resting.
Sam: Let it go, Mr. Frodo.
Ever since that night
he fought Dracula, it was with him. Like a good friend, like a haunting ghost
it stayed with him, inside him.
Aragorn: I can’t remember the last time I called a haunting ghost a “good friend.”
Gimli: *to Aragorn* You got pretty friendly with the army of the dead.
Aragorn: *to Gimli* That was a totally different situation. They bought me dinner, first.
Gimli: *to Aragorn* But she got the “inside him” part right, didn’t she?
Aragorn: *to Gimli* Are you 100% sure I won’t drop kick you one of these days?
Calling to him,
tormenting him. seducing him.
Gabriel closed his
eyes and let his mind drift, not surprised that his thoughts returned to that
one and only night when he was a werewolf.
Arwen: *sings* “My hopes, my dreams come true, my one and only you.”
Boromir: *to Arwen* Are you going to do that often?
Arwen: *to Boromir* What, sing?
Boromir: *to Arwen* Is that what you call it?
When he was bitten he
was terrified. Scared to death of what he may become.
Gandalf: Was there any question? Bitten by a werewolf, become a werewolf.
Aragorn: You never know. Bitten by a werewolf, become a bunny.
Legolas: With nasty, sharp, pointy teeth!
Boromir: Ah, we’ve hit the Python references already.
Saruman: Ahead of schedule.
That he will turn into
the same thing he had always hunted and killed.
Pippin: A deer.
Faramir: A platypus.
Aragorn: A tyrannosaurus rex.
Merry: A jackalope.
A monster.
Merry: Damn, we were so close!
But when the first touch
of moonlight skimmed over his skin he understood the difference. It wasn't
possession, it wasn't painful or enslaving.
It was freedom.
Frodo: It was
Frodo: deserving of its own series of
Frodo: carriage returns.
When he felt the sheer
power in his limbs, the force, the living weapon he became he knew that
essentially, it was always a part of him.
The curse only honed
what the other so willingly exploited from him.
Gandalf: …?
His strength. His will
to fight and hunt. He felt the first tentative touch of Dracula's mind and
snarled in rage. He was not somebody's plaything. He was his own master.
Haldir: I think I have to watch the movie before this will make sense.
Faramir: Don’t bother. It doesn’t make sense either way.
The knowledge that
this damned creature sought to control him; possess him brought a rage to
Gabriel purer and brighter than any flame.
Gandalf: Even the flame of Arnor?
Saruman: Even the flame of Udun.
Aragorn: The balrog won’t like that. He’ll whip that pussy boy Gabriel into submission.
Saruman: *to Aragorn* Like he did Gandalf?
Aragorn: More or less.
Gandalf: I’ll have you know the whipping was completely consensual.
Legolas: Thanks for sharing. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to deafen myself with these arrows.
Part of him knew it
was the cure. That this feeling of freedom and power was just an illusion
designed to make him loose
Arwen: Like that herb Aragorn slipped Legolas that night in Rivendell…
even the last shreds
of humanity.
Then he killed Anna.
Boromir: And the applause was thunderous.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You weren’t even there.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Can we applaud thunderously now?
Even now, when he knew
she wasn't blaming him, when he knew, logically that it wasn't his fault.,. he
felt the bitter taste of guilt in his mouth.
Boromir: Sure that taste was guilt?
Faramir: *to Boromir* You’d know the difference.
He would never forgive
himself for killing one of the few friends he ever had.
Aragorn: *as Van Helsing* We were just friends, I swear!
Legolas: *as Van Helsing* So it’s only logical that I should kill her and be completely free of blame!
Boromir: Sounds logical to me.
Arwen: *to Boromir* You really are a misogynist. Not to mention a psychopath.
Boromir: What can I say? My father raised me properly.
Gabriel shifter for
the hundredth time
Faramir: I’m not sure what that means.
Frodo: You’d think after the hundredth time, it’d be clear.
and opened his eyes to
look at the lump of blankets on the other side of the fire.
Carl.
Boromir: Lump of blankets. What a flattering description.
Faramir: *to Boromir* How would you have described me?
Boromir: *to Faramir* A willing lump of blankets.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You should really consider a writing career.
His only friend left.
He felt affection for him. And gratefulness. For treating him like a normal
human being.
Merry: Despite his overuse of incomplete sentences.
Not the famous monster
hunter, not the killer, not the holy man, not the heartless weapon the
When another tremor
rocked his body, Gabriel gritted his teeth. Waves of heat and alternately cold
enveloped him;
Gandalf: That’ll give him cramps.
causing him to shiver
and his teeth to chatter.
Aragorn: That’s what he gets for winding them up.
Pippin: The kind that shuffle along on little plastic feet? I have one of those!
Merry: *to Pippin* No you don’t.
Pippin: *to Merry* Well, only because you confiscated it.
Merry: For your own good, Pippin. For your own good.
During the day he hid
his condition from Carl. Partly because he didn't want to worry him and partly
because if he didn't speak about it, it wouldn't be real.
Legolas: That’s some pretty deep philosophy right there.
Pippin: Existentialism?
Merry: No, Pip.
But he was never good
at lying to himself.
Gollum: We be greats at lying to ourselves, don’t we precious?
With a sigh he turned
his head and looked into the clear sky full of beautifully shining stars. But
that wasn't what caught his gaze.
It was the cold light
of the full moon.
Aragorn: Oh, a werewolf and a full moon. There’s a shocker.
Too tired to fight he
got up from his makeshift bed and headed into the woods. There was a small pond
nearby and he was hot.
Legolas: *cat calls* Why yes, yes he was.
Aragorn: *scoffs*
So incredibly,
burningly hot.
Faramir: Listen, don’t whinge about “burningly hot” until you’re dying of a fever on a flaming funeral pyre.
Boromir: Heh. Flaming.
When he let his shirt
drop to the ground, welcoming the touch of cool, moist night air on his heated
skin he admitted to himself that he didn't even want to fight.
Pippin: What’s he fighting?
Merry: His urges.
Aragorn: The frequent urge to urinate?
Legolas: They have a pill for that now.
Whatever was supposed
to happen, it would happen this night.
Faramir: In this very fic.
Gandalf: Imagine that.
Elrond: Is this indicative of the quality we can expect?
Aragorn: The story heats up. Sort of.
Elrond: I was talking about the commentary.
* * *
Carl woke up suddenly.
Something woke him, but he didn't know what. Yawning, he checked on Van Helsing
and suddenly felt very, very awake.
Boromir: That’d be the cocaine.
Faramir: I kicked that years ago.
Gabriel wasn't there.
And it seemed like he left in a hurry. The blanket was carelessly thrown on the
ground and all the weapons, along with his trademark coat and hat were still
lying neatly folded near the blankets.
Faramir: He left in a hurry, but he had time to fold his coat?
Arwen: How does one fold a hat?
Concerned he looked
up, not surprised to see the full moon shining.
Legolas: Because the full moon is constantly catching me off guard.
Gollum: Tricksy moon!
Although the cure had
worked and Gabriel turned back from the werewolf into human, he wasn't sure if
everything was really all right. Gabriel refused to talk about it, only kept to
himself even more than before.
Faramir: That’s okay by me.
He wanted to talk to
him, to force him to speak,
Faramir: No, I really didn’t.
throw it all from
inside of him.
Frodo: Is that like the Heimlich maneuver?
But how was he
supposed to force a 200 plus pound man to do anything he didn't want to?
Boromir: Just how tall was this Gabriel, anyway?
Aragorn: Pretty tall.
Boromir: Because 200+ pounds would be grotesque if he was like, hobbit height.
Merry: Shh. Sam’s very touchy about that sort of thing.
So he watched, taking
his guilty pleasure in the sight of that powerful body and always alert eyes.
He watched how Gabriel struggled to hide his growing restlessness and
uneasiness as though Carl didn't realize that the full moon was nearing.
Faramir: I quote, “Concerned he looked up, not surprised to see the full moon shining.”
Aragorn: If you question every inconsistency, you’ll have to be medicated before we’re done.
He was worried about
his friend.
Carl got up and to his
surprise saw Gabriel's shirt lying carelessly discarded under one of the large
trees surrounding their camp.
It didn't take genius
to know where Gabriel was heading.
Merry: The bath house?
Frodo: The whore house?
Sam: The nudist trailer park?
The pond.
Merry: Yet again, so close…
* * *
The smells were so strong,
so beautiful. He could feel the cool water touching his heated skin, bringing
relief, cooling the raging nerve endings.
Frodo: BOOM! Tough Actin’ Tinactin.
Aragorn: Or Tucks.
Frodo: That too.
The gentle breeze
brought to him a myriad of smells. He could tell that a doe had been by the
pond not longer than an hour ago, and that a family of foxes had a den nearby.
Boromir: These are beautiful smells?
Elrond: They are to elves.
Boromir: *to Elrond* You guys suck.
The forest held no
secrets from him and he closed his eyes, letting the feeling fill him, take
him, overwhelm him.
It was the end of the
battle. He would no longer deny what he was.
Arwen: A lumberjack.
Merry: And he’s okay.
* * *
When he stepped out of
the trees, into the small clearing, Carl felt his hart do a mad leap.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You have a hart?
Faramir: *to Boromir* I keep it in my secret place.
Boromir: *to Faramir* But I’ve been there.
Legolas: Haven’t we all?
Aragorn: Legolas…?
Pippin: A mad leap? *to Faramir* You’ve trained your heart to do tricks?
Merry: Not a hell of a lot else to entertain a ranger in Ithilien.
He knew he had always
been attracted to the handsome Hunter, but he also knew that he could never
have his wish granted.
Haldir: Because he hadn’t yet found a magic lamp.
From the way Van
Helsing acted around Anna, it was clear that he would not be interested in
anything other than females.
Aragorn: Or, when in werewolf form, bitches.
Boromir: Aren’t they all bitches?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Mommy issues, much?
So he hid his desire,
his attraction and refrained to only watching him discreetly.
Gandalf: Refrained to only watching him discreetly?
Elrond: I am refraining to only stopping myself from setting this joint on fire.
The sight that greeted
him, was more than he could take.
The silver, cold light
of the moon was illuminating the still figure standing waist deep in the water.
Frodo: It’s a shallow pond.
Merry: Kiddie pond.
From where he stood, Carl
could see every single muscle bunching under the silvery skin,
Faramir: …under the silver light of the moon.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Which did not surprise you. Yet you did not see it coming.
Faramir: Right.
Boromir: So long as we’re clear.
could see the shadows
that the flexing of the powerful back created. The prominent line of his
vertebra
Aragorn: His one freakish, giant vertebra.
leading a slightly
curved line
Frodo: Scoliosis. What a turn-on.
Gollum: *snuggles up*
disappearing under the
water pointing to the part of his anatomy Carl spend too much time thinking
about.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You need a hobby.
The broad back and
strong arms seemed twice as powerful when the monster Hunter stood half naked
in the water,
Merry: Grow-a-Hunter.
Pippin: I had one of those! It starts out really small and you stick it in a bowl of water overnight…
Merry: We know, Pippin!
his dark hair wet and
dripping silver droplets on his back.
In that moment. Van
Helsing was the most beautiful, most erotic thing he had ever seen. The
incarnation of strength and wilderness.
Legolas: I thought I was the incarnation of strength and wilderness? *pouts*
Aragorn: You always will be in my eyes, snookums. *fluttering lashes*
He looked just like he
had that one time when he turned into a werewolf.
Faramir: Aha! A clue!
Boromir: *as Ma Gumby* Well treat it gently, it’s in a strange place.
Carl watched the damp
skin glean softly in the moonlight as his friend moved lightly, causing the
muscles under his skin to shift and flex and causing all kinds of reaction in
Carl's body.
Boromir: All KINDS of reactions up in this place!
And then it hit him.
Frodo: A rock.
Merry: A shoe.
Pippin: An apple.
Gabriel wasn't only
looking bigger and stronger. He WAS bigger. Carl's breath caught when he
realized that his friend was at least a head taller than usual and his arms and
body was more muscled, stronger. like when he was a werewolf, just without the
fur.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Which is a shame, because you quite fancy the hairy type, don’t you?
Sam: Hobbit fancier.
Faramir: *grumbles* It was only that one time, and Frodo liked it!
Sam: *blinks*
Suddenly his head
turned and intense, green eyes locked on him.
Boromir: I had come to save the day.
Legolas: *to Boromir* And the Mighty Mouse tights suit you.
Although Carl couldn't
see his features clearly from such distance, he had no doubt that Gabriel saw
him perfectly.
Somewhere under his
arousal and shock, the fear started.
"Carl." A
half growl, half word reached him and Van Helsing turned.
Faramir: “As the PWP Turns.”
Carl felt the oddest
mix of emotions.
Boromir: Aw. Puberty.
Faramir: *glares*
His rational part told
him to run. Told him that it would be best if he left right now.
Boromir: *sings* “Bravely ran away, away.”
That even without
actually being the werewolf, Van Helsing was the deadliest man he had ever
known. Still the other one, the infatuated one, told him to stay; if he could
just tear his eyes away from the sculpted torso and the dark, wet hair on
Gabriel's chest narrowing in an arrow that pointed straight to his navel,
hidden by the black waters of the calm pond.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You sex maniac.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You’re one to talk.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I taught you well.
His skin looked
silvery
Frodo: Is Van Helsing part reptile?
Faramir: No, he’s part Broadway star.
Frodo: The silver light of the marquee.
and smooth and the
heat inside Carl intensified. He felt like a moth drawn to flame.
Arwen: And then he felt like a walking cliché.
He knew he could be
burnt, but not to look at that magnificent body was impossible.
The intense, canine
eyes locked on him with expression he couldn't decipher and Gabriel moved.
Slowly, with a grace that took Carl's breath away, he walked through the water;
the black, shiny surface only highlighted the washboard rippled stomach.
Sam: Black and shiny?
Frodo: Black…highlighted?
Boromir: Don’t fight it, little ones.
The play of muscles on
that half naked body made Carl weak in his knees. Lust and desire so strong, so
overwhelming like never before, flooded him, taking all rational thought away.
Aragorn: But, sadly, not his commas.
He watched the wet
hair cling to the naked shoulders and long, powerful neck. He saw the tendons
moving, the silent testimony of the pure deadly effectiveness that the man was.
Gandalf: *as Captain Kirk* Spock, comments?
Elrond: *as
Spock* Very bad poetry, Captain.
Gandalf: *as Kirk* A more useful
comment, Mr. Spock?
Elrond: *as Spock* What we’ve just seen is not real.
Gandalf: *as Kirk* That’s useful.
A hunter.
A killer.
A friend.
A beast.
Merry: A deer, a female deer.
Frodo: A drop of golden sun.
Sam: A name I call myself.
Merry: A long long way to run.
Frodo: A needle pulling thread.
Sam: A note to follow “so.”
Merry: A drink
with jam and bread.
Pippin: Jam and bread. Merry?
Merry: Yes, Pippin?
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry: Shut up, Pip.
When the water became
shallower, Carl let go of the long held breath.
Boromir: And promptly drowned.
Legolas: *to Boromir* You’re grumpier than Gandalf.
Boromir: *to Legolas* You’re poncier than Elrond.
Elrond: Ahem.
Gabriel wasn't naked.
He had his trousers on, but the wet cloth did nothing to hide the rippling muscles
of his thighs or the slightly swollen bulge.
Sam: Rocks in his pockets.
Frodo: Going out Woolf style.
With bafflement and
trepidation, Carl watched as his friend cocked
Boromir: Heh. Cocked.
Faramir: Death didn’t mature you much, did it?
his head to the side
and took a deep breath as if. smelling him.
Frodo: As if!
Merry: Will U B @ teh mall 2day?
Frodo: Meet U by teh Cinnabun.
His face heated
instantly and his cock jerked
Boromir: By itself? You gotta teach me that skill.
at the same moment
when he thought that Gabriel might be able to actually smell his arousal.
Arwen: Disgusting.
The Hunter was a
captivating mix between werewolf and human being. He was bigger, probably
stronger and faster, but still had his human form and his eyes still held some
measure of recognition.
Elrond: I have a measure of precognition.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* What do your elf eyes see?
Elrond: That this will end in disaster.
Frodo: This story’s already a disaster.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* Some soothsayer you turned out to be.
Elrond: *to Gandalf* Fine. What does your heart tell you?
Gandalf: *to Elrond* That I know your uses, and they are few.
Boromir: *to Elrond* I can teach you a new use or two.
But it wasn't all. The
strange, half canine eyes held a kind of knowledge, self assurance that made
Carl unsure.
Frodo: Self-assurance that made him unsure?
Faramir: It wasn’t MY self-assurance. Don’t go on at me!
'You like what you
see?" The words were half growled, half whispered and sent shivers down
Carl's spine.
Faramir: Actually, I’m just browsing, thank you.
"I.I." Carl
stammered, painfully aware of his erection and the danger he was in at the same
time.
Boromir: *to Faramir, eyeing his crotch* You ought to slap a warning label on that baby.
Another deep breath
and then Van Helsing let out a low, menacing growl that would have send Carl
running if it wasn't for the eyes that held him captive, transfixed and
immobile.
He thought it strange.
He always thought that it was Vampires that had mental powers, not Werewolves.
Haldir: Yet mental powers were conspicuously missing from friars.
Faramir: Listen, YOU wear twenty pounds of robes and a bowl haircut for months on end and THEN you’ll have earned the right to take the piss.
"You stink of the
barmaid we met yesterday."
Boromir: His canine senses can’t have been all that sharp. *to Faramir* You? A woman?
Faramir: *grumbles*
Came the sharp, half growled
response and Gabriel left the water heading to a small bundle under the tree
nearby.
Merry: Was it a packet of lembas?
Frodo: Was it a garden gnome?
He bent, causing more
of his muscles to flex and causing Carl's mouth to become absolutely dry.
Aragorn: I’m making a concerted effort to understand this sentence.
Arwen: …why?
Legolas: For some patients taking Van Helsing nausea, dry mouth, decreased appetite, constipation, dizziness, somnolence, tremor, sweating, impotence, and abnormal ejaculation may occur.
Boromir: Abnormal ejaculation!
Legolas: It’s kind of frightening, actually.
Faramir: Fuck off, Legolas.
He caught the bar of
soap thrown at him instinctively, not thinking about it.
"Wash." Came
the growling command.
Arwen: Finally, someone forcing a man of Gondor to bathe!
"What? Gabriel
wait, I." He stopped when the lightly glowing eyes locked on his again and
Gabriel raised his hand.
Frodo: *makes peace sign* Peace, man.
Sam: *makes victory sign* I am not a crook.
Carl realized that he
was in trouble when he saw the fingernail on his friends hand grow longer,
thickening in the space of one heartbeat to become a finger long claw.
Saruman: I taught him that.
"Get rid of the
scent."
Boromir: If you’d been with a barmaid I’ve have made you wash, too.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Any chance to get your little brother slippery when wet, eh, son of Gondor?
Boromir: You know me well, my king.
Mesmerized and more
than a little terrified, Carl watched as Gabriel or rather the creature grazed
his naked chest with his long, black claws leaving faint, white marks all the
way down to his hard, rippling stomach.
Elrond: Masochism!
Merry: Ooh, is it time to pay attention?
All the time the beast
was watching him, assessing him. He had the strangest feeling that it knew
perfectly well about his attraction and used that knowledge and his fear to
play with him.
Gandalf: No, Merry. Go back to sleep.
Still he didn't move.
Somewhere along with the fear came the anger. How dare this. beast. make fun of
his feelings?
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Shit, if you are pissed at Gabriel for making fun of you without even speaking, how are you gonna feel about us by the time we’re done here?
Faramir: *to Aragorn* That you’ve all got your heads up your arses.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* So pretty much the same, then.
Faramir: *nods*
The more rational part
of him
Gandalf: …which he continued to ignore…
whispered that
angering a creature that had claws THIS long was not a smart thing to do, but
he was already too far away to notice it.
"No!" He
shouted with false bravado.
As soon as the words
left his mouth he regretted them.
Frodo: It was only one word.
Faramir: Word, words, whatever. I’m regretting them. Believe me, I’m regretting them.
Faster than any human
being could, Gabriel moved. The creature that was still part his friend
appeared mere inches from him and his clawed hand swung. Carl closed his eyes
terrified, trying to brace himself for the pain that he was sure would come any
moment.
All: *crickets*
Aragorn: Any moment now.
Boromir: Aaaaany moment now.
Faramir: Won’t be long now.
Frodo: Any moment, really.
When nothing happened
he opened his eyes to look into the narrowed, green gaze of the beast towering
above him. His nostrils were flaring and the heavily muscled, naked, still wet
chest heaved when he took beep breaths.
Sam: Beep breaths?
Boromir: Well if he’s a 200 pound hobbit he’s carrying a wide load. Probably equipped with one of those alarms that signifies caution when in reverse.
Sam: I’m not fat! I’m big boned!
Frodo: *to Boromir* You were warned. You’ve gone and set him off, now.
Boromir: *exasperated* I wasn’t even talking about him.
Gollum: It’s very sensitives about its weight, is fatsies!
Carl followed that
feral, green gaze and felt himself go weak when he saw that the wickedly sharp
claws cut his robes open, exposing his pale skin.
Arwen: At last, some action!
Aragorn: Jinx. You’ll regret saying that later on.
"I will not ask
twice." Came the quiet, dark voice.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I’ve had to say that to you before.
Faramir: I remember. Ahh…good times.
Without a thought Carl
turned around and started running. For the first time he realized that he was in
real danger with this beast.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Can’t put much past you, huh?
He was too terrified
to realize that he could not escape him, until it was too late.
He ran between trees,
feeling false safety among them.
Boromir: Hah! Perceptive little ranger. *ruffles Faramir’s hair*
Gollum: Wicked, tricksy, false!
He ran as fast as he
could, his lungs burned with the exertion and his face and arms were covered in
scratches from hitting the branches he didn't see in the dark.
Elrond: Poor branches.
Suddenly, he heard a
loud crash and there, right in front of him, a large, pale shape landed on four
legs.
Merry: Suddenly, a tea table landed right in front of him.
Pippin: Tea? Are there scones?
Merry: No, Pippin.
Pippin: I could do with a scone.
Merry: Shut up, Pip.
He watched with silent
terror as Gabriel, or whatever it was,
Faramir: Well, I’m glad the author’s clear on her cast of characters.
Aragorn: Now, be nice. It takes a lot of work to keep track of two.
Legolas: Which forest is this again?
threw his head back,
letting the wet mass of dark hair swing a back bow in the moonlight,
Legolas: Swing a back bow?
Haldir: *to Legolas* See? You don’t know everything. It’s an old marchwarden trick.
Legolas: *to Haldir* Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Haldir: *to Legolas* Eat me.
Aragorn: *glares*
sending droplets of
water everywhere and with a slight chuckle lick his lips, letting Carl see the
white teeth and bunched muscles in his arms.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You have teeth in your arms?
Faramir: *to Boromir* She means Gabriel’s arms.
Pippin: Faffy from Hardbottle had a little tumor with teeth in it. He said it was actually quite a common thing.
All: …
Boromir: *to Faramir* Wait. You have muscles in your arms?
Faramir: *to Boromir* You are SO cut off.
"Want to play
hide and seek?" The voice was surprisingly human, mocking and dark.
Aragorn: That’s the start of every one of Faramir’s childhood memories. Except for the ones that start with “Want to blow the horn of Gondor?”
Boromir: *to Aragorn* I’ve got something you can blow.
With a yelp Carl
turned and tried to run, but in the darkness, without the werewolf's senses he
didn't notice the root sticking out from the ground and tripped.
Elrond: Poor root.
Faramir: Hello? This fucking forest is trying to kill me!
He thought he was
going to smash his face in the tree trunk and knew it would hurt like hell.
Treebeard: pwned!!!!!11!1
He closed his eyes
instinctively and reached out with his hands to break his fall
Pippin: Merry broke his carrot that way.
Merry: I miss that carrot.
Pippin: Don’t worry Merry, you’ve still got me.
Merry: …I miss that carrot.
when suddenly
something hard and unyielding hit his stomach.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* You porn star, you.
Arwen: Go Boromir!
Frodo: Now you know why I made a mad dash for Mordor.
Boromir: I’m not even IN this story.
Legolas: Gotta find out which forest this is…
He grunted surprised
and opened his eyes to see an arm, as hard as stone, across his stomach and
chest and then he was yanked backwards, so that his back was pressed against
body hard as steel.
Faramir: I wish I was that flexible.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I wish you were that flexible, too.
Faramir: *ignores Boromir*
Elrond: I am quite positive this defies the laws of physics.
Aragorn: And grammar.
His feet couldn't
reach the ground.
Haldir: Haha, little man.
Faramir: *to Haldir* Again. Dead much?
Haldir: Half the people here are dead!
Legolas: *to Haldir* Yeah, but they have better hair.
Haldir: *to Legolas* Bitch.
He was both terrified
and grateful. He was saved from probably some serious harm.
Frodo: Tree trunk, horny werewolf. Tree trunk, horny werewolf. Decisions, decisions.
Faramir: *to Frodo* We all know which one you’d choose, eh?
Sam: *glares*
Treebeard: Little shirelings.
but on the other hand,
he was now completely in Van Helsing's power.
Glorfindel: *as Van Helsing, as Cartman* Respect mah authoritay!
Elrond: *to Glorfindel* Where the hell did you come from?
Arwen: *to Glorfindel* Go back to the books, lightweight.
"You can not run
from me Carl. don't you know it?"
Aragorn: *sings* “You're fit but my gosh don't you know it?”
Frodo: Geek.
The words were spoken
almost softly, the lips just behind his ear. He shivered when he felt the hot,
moist breath touch his ear.
Before he had the time
to answer, he felt a shift in the man holding him and in an instant they set
into motion.
Boromir: I thought it was only one man holding him?
Aragorn: Maybe the lips are a separate entity.
Gandalf: That was Sauron’s second choice, if the Great Eye was trademarked.
He actually screamed
when the scenery rushed past him with dazzling speed.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* I keep telling you, you gotta lay off those ‘shrooms, man.
Faramir: It’s bloody boring in Emyn Arnen, cut me some slack.
Éowyn: *offended* Hey!
Merry: Look! It’s Faramir’s beard!
Éowyn: *to Merry* Shut it, half pint.
Merry: *to Éowyn* I totally saved your ass, beeyotch.
Éowyn: Faramir, are you going to stand there and hear me insulted?
Faramir: Here’s as good a place as any.
Boromir: *snickers*
Pippin: Faramir does have a beard though.
Merry: We know, Pip.
He wasn't even able to
distinguish the contours of trees let alone avoiding them with grace and
agility
Legolas: Hahahahaha. Ranger.
Faramir: *to Legolas* Should I tell everyone what you’ve been up to with Gimli, lately?
Aragorn: What?
Legolas: Uh. It’s the trees. Clearly, it’s the trees. You just can’t get good trees, these days.
Aragorn: Back up a minute. What’s this about Gimli?
Legolas: *drums fingers on bow, hums*
that spoke clearly of
the inhuman inheritance in the man still holding him.
Merry: Clearly inhuman. He’s inherited…the Seed of Chucky!
Pippin: That was a good movie.
In less than a minute,
they were back by the pond.
Faramir: Finally, a use for that stopwatch.
Carl wasn't given the
chance to think however. He felt the powerful muscles behind him tense and then
he was literally thrown into the pond with a loud splash.
Boromir: Belly flop!
Sméagol: *sings* Rock and pool is nice and cool…
Frodo: *to Sméagol* We get it, already.
When, spluttering and
cursing, he got to his feet he looked at the still half naked man standing on
the edge of the water, watching him.
Arwen: *yawns* Are these two gonna fuck, or what?
Boromir: This is the most boring foreplay ever.
Treebeard: Oh I dunno, those trees were pretty hot.
Merry: Burarum!
For the second time
that night he was thrown a bar of soap and caught it.
Aragorn: TAKE A HINT, ALREADY!
"Wash." Came
the order again. This time Carl wasn't going to refuse. Watching as the long
talons turned back into human fingers made his throat dry. He never thought he
would be afraid of Gabriel.
With shaking fingers
he started shedding his already torn clothes.
Boromir: NOW we’re talkin’!
Pippin: About what?
Galadriel: For once, I have absolutely no idea.
He was extremely aware
of the burning gaze on his body, as he pulled the sodden, torn robes and let
them sink in the water.
Arwen: Litterer!
Haldir: They fine for that in Fangorn, you know.
He dared a look at the
magnificent, scary figure on the sore.
Gandalf: Gabriel needs a doctor, pronto.
Faramir: I’m not touching anyone with magnificent, scary sores.
Boromir: *to Faramir* That’s not what you said last night.
Legolas: Somebody give Boromir that soap.
Aragorn: And some penicillin.
His sculpted arms and
chest gleamed in the silver moonlight and his eyes were intently focused on
Carl.
The Friar
Frodo: Must Be In Caps.
watched as one on
those hands that were capable of cruelty and gentleness at the same time,
stroked down the curly, short hair on the chest down the stomach and the
waistband of the sodden pants, highlighting the prominent bulge below.
Sam: His pants have short, curly hairs?
Merry: Must be hobbit pants.
Aragorn: She has now used the word “sodden” to describe your clothing twice, Faramir.
Boromir: That’s my brother. No self-control. Sopping wet, sodden trousers.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You know, I really don’t like you.
Boromir: *growls to Faramir* You know you love the abuse.
Faramir: *sheepishly* Yeah, I do.
Carl swallowed and
turned his eyes away, feeling a disturbing mix of terror and arousal shoot
through him.
Haldir: Like an orc arrow. Denethor’s boys make good targets.
Legolas: *to Haldir* What’s that? An uruk right behind you? You’re a fucking ELF man, you couldn’t sense that?
He was in love, not
only in lust with Gabriel and it was hard to imagine him being hurt by his
heart's desire.
Faramir: Wait wait wait. I’m in love with him? I thought it was just friendship with benefits?
Gimli: Like my relationship with Legolas.
Aragorn: What?
After all, there
wasn't anything he wouldn't give to the man.
Arwen: Except his double negatives.
He fantasized about
making love to him countless times.
Boromir: It’s that Dúnedain stamina, I tell you.
Éowyn: Greatly exaggerated.
But he never thought
it would happen like this. In fear and with aggression. He was painfully aware
of the fact that he wasn't even close to a mach for the ordinary Van Helsing.
Elrond: He couldn’t reach a top speed of 500 mph, let alone 760 mph at sea level.
Arwen: *to Elrond, shamed* You are such a dork.
Éowyn: But a mach does more accurately describe Faramir’s “stamina.”
Faramir: *to Éowyn* How would you know? Haldir’s seen more of my cock than you, and he was dead before I even had a chance to meet him.
Arwen: Ew.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Perv.
Faramir: That’s not what I meant!!
Boromir: *snickers*
And this changed one that
seemed to be able to sense everything just through smell.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Dude, how badly did you need that bar of soap?
He froze while
lathering his chest.
Frodo: That’s a good party trick, that. Lathering without moving.
Faramir: It’s a Gondor thing, Fro. I’ll show you sometime.
Éomer: Gondorians? Bathe?
Faramir: *to Éomer* At least I don’t look like a circumcised penis in my helmet.
Just how much did
Gabriel smell on him?
All: …
If he could smell the
woman he was 24 hours ago, he could surely smell that while Gabriel went
hunting that evening he touched himself.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You’ve been a busy boy since I’ve been gone.
Faramir: Free at last.
His head jerked up
only to meet the burning green gaze of the beast standing still on the shore.
Watching him.
Merry: Because so often gazes do not involve watching.
Watching him wash.
A wave of heat shot
through him.
Gandalf: *to Faramir* Are you sure they took care of that fever?
He wondered if he
would survive this night.
"That's
enough"
Arwen: *as Van Helsing* It was only your chest that stunk, anyway.
Boromir: *as Van Helsing* Everybody knows you wouldn’t let a woman touch you anywhere else.
Haldir: Sort of like Aragorn.
Aragorn: Legolas, I hate that you can’t shoot the dead.
The words jerked him
back to reality.
Boromir: That wasn’t the only thing that was jerking…
Faramir: STFU.
But it wasn't like he
could forget the silent, powerful figure standing few meters from him that
watched his movements with terrifying intensity.
Celeborn: Good memory, that one.
Galadriel: Very sharp. Makes me confident about the dominion of men.
He stilled, suddenly
very aware of the night's silence.
Gollum: It wants I should make some noises?
Merry: I think I hear Shelob scuttling.
"Come here."
Another order spoken with Gabriel's voice, but it held a dangerous note.
Gabriel never spoke to him like that.
Frodo: No, Gabriel spoke in complete sentences.
Sam: I think the only person in the movie who called him “Gabriel” was Dracula.
Boromir: *as Dracula* I vant to suck your…
All: STOP!
He cast a glance
towards the trees again
Treebeard: We are so getting an Oscar for this supporting role.
and decided that if he
tried to escape again, it could end up much, much worse.
Merry: That trunk’s still out there.
The beast that Van
Helsing was now, didn't strike him as a patient being.
Aragorn: Clearly never was a patient, or he wouldn’t have those sores.
Slowly, still so very
unsure of what would happen to him, he approached the silent figure. He was
naked except for the thin underwear he had under his robes, now soaked and
transparent from the water.
Merry: Hang about. He’s still wearing his robes? What was all that about his hairy chest?
Pippin: And pants.
Merry: *annoyed* Yes, Pippin. The point is, oh…nevermind.
Gandalf: I am way bored.
He shivered with the
cold and something more.
Aragorn: Again with the specifics! Please, lay off the details, we just can’t process all the information!
However, fear wasn't the
only thing he felt. The fact that Gabriel still looked the same,
Faramir: Except for the silver skin, the black finger-like claws, and the neon green eyes…
Arwen: Weren’t Van Helsing’s eyes hazel?
Legolas: Fucking colored contacts.
that he hadn't changed
into an overgrown dog,
Frodo: Aw, doggie.
Merry: I shall call him “Fido,” and he shall be mine.
Pippin: “Finding Nemo”!
Gandalf: *sighs* Hobbits.
spoke to Carl's
subconscious and that subconscious told him that Gabriel could not hurt him.
Aragorn: Ever the keen wits, eh?
Faramir: Shut your gob, Elessar.
No matter that his
rational mind knew that whatever his friend was now, he wasn't a man he knew.
Sam: But he could not hurt him.
Merry: So it’s all good.
Bilbo: Happily ever after?
When he was in arms
reach of the Hunter, the other man reached with his powerfully muscled arm and
caught him by the nape of his neck, then pulled him closer.
Pippin: Like a mother cat, catching her kitten by the ruff.
Legolas: Quite cute, really.
Carl stumbled a little
and then stopped, his chest pressed tightly to the hot, broad chest of his
friend and despite the fear, he felt a wave of heat shoot though him.
Arwen: Again with the waves of heat, oy vey!
Théoden: *to Arwen* You’d never cut it as a Haradrim.
Arwen: That eyeliner is SO second age.
As soon as his desire
made his cock twitch slightly, he saw Gabriel's nostrils flare and the
man/beast leaned closer over him, obviously sniffing.
Éowyn: Ew.
Boromir: He had to sniff to figure out Carl’s cock was twitching?
Haldir: Wargs do it that way.
Legolas: *to Haldir* How do you know? Hang on. Please don’t tell me.
Carl closed his eyes
in fear and shame, not sure if he would get himself killed or fucked and then
opened them, hearing a low grumble from the other man.
Elrond: Killed or fucked, will you take door number one or door number two?
Éowyn: If it’s number two I’m going to projectile vomit.
Gabriel was still
holding him by his neck, so close that Carl could easily smell him.
Boromir: There is a lot of body odor going on here.
Faramir: Art imitates life, or life imitates art?
The fresh scent of
water and forest mixed with a hint of usual musk made Carl relax a little.
Merry: Ah, Irish Spring. Fresh and clean as a whistle.
Frodo: Manly, yes.
Legolas: But I like it too!
Gabriel hasn't killed
him even when he was a werewolf. He killed Anna, probably because he considered
her a threat,
Aragorn: …and because if he kept her around, he’d eventually have to fuck her.
Faramir: *to Aragorn* We should have had that kind of foresight.
Galadriel: You only had to ask me nicely.
but he didn't kill
him. Maybe it was because the cure has already taken effect or he recognized
him. He didn't know. But the truth was that Gabriel never hurt him.
Sam: This seems strangely familiar.
Frodo: We’re going in circles.
Maybe, if he didn't
provoke him, he would live through this night relatively unharmed.
Boromir: Except for a bleeding…
All: STOP!
So far the only demand
from the beast was that he wash the foreign scent off of him. He refused to
think what it would mean.
Merry: I’ve been TRYING to think what it means. And failing.
It was scary, the way
Gabriel manhandled him without pause, giving orders and mocking him, but
soothing somehow.
Legolas: I missed the soothing part.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Wanna go back and re-read?
Haldir: *to Legolas* I hate that you can’t shoot your boyfriend.
Legolas: I can, actually.
Aragorn: *pouts*
Still what disturbed
him the most was the unmistakable eroticism of his actions.
Frodo: Because being chased, pushed around, verbally abused, and forced to do things against one’s will is so erotic.
Gollum: You thought so when the precious dids it to you.
Sam: *remembers* Mmm. Super sexy lighting.
The usually self
conscious monster hunter
Arwen: Huh?
Faramir: I’d have thought the self-consciousness would’ve been clear in his completely collected, confident, and calculating manner. Keep up, she-elf.
now left himself
exposed, half naked and took an obvious pleasure in being watched. He knew how
he made Carl react and it pleased him.
Aragorn: He’s almost as big an exhibitionist as Boromir.
Pippin: Ah, happy days.
Carl was jerked back
from his musings when the hand pulled him.
All: *snicker*
Meekly, he followed the
large man to the shore, careful not to fight the grip on his neck. He noticed
that if he didn't struggle the man/beast did not use his strength.
Merry: Because he was pulling him and gripping his neck with absolutely no strength whatsoever.
Legolas: Like a wet noodle. All limp and…
Gimli: Stick with me, kid. It’s dry pasta all the time.
Éowyn: Definitely going to vomit…
He felt soft moss
under his feet and heard a pleased growl from the man leading him.
Faramir: Moss. Nature’s cheap motel bed.
Pippin: *to Merry* Remember the time we went to that cheap inn, and they had the bed that vibrated if…
Merry: Figment of your diseased imagination, Pip.
Before he had the time
to think, he felt the man lean closer and bury his nose in his neck,
Gandalf: Ow.
inhaling deeply. His
cock surged to hardness so fast it was almost painful.
Haldir: That’s never happened to me.
Legolas: *to Haldir* You have a cock?
Haldir: *to Legolas* Dude, I totally welcomed you to Lorien. What’s with the hate, bro?
Aragorn: *whispering to Haldir* He has this thing about bad hair.
Haldir: Galadriel braided my hair personally.
Celeborn: *to Haldir* But she forgot to touch up your roots.
"You smell good
now."
Boromir: *grunt, grunt* You smell good now. Tarzan take you. Tarzan no need lube.
The words were spoken
so soft he thought it was his friend back.
Frodo: Warm fuzzies!!!
"Gabriel?"
No. The eyes were
still green and glowing slightly, full of something that made Carl shiver.
Aragorn: Blood-shot. Too much weed.
He felt pressure on
his arm, forcing him to sink to his knees.
Boromir: I find with Faramir, pressure on the shoulders is far more effective.
The first tendrils of
fear coiled in his belly
Arwen: Ah, sweet poetry.
Faramir: Somebody pass me Éowyn’s bucket.
when he felt the soft
moss under his knees and looked up, into the green eyes filled with dark
desire. Fingers of one broad hand waved themselves into his short, reddish
hair.
Faramir: I wore a blonde wig!
Legolas: And no dark roots!
Haldir: *to Legolas*
Get over it,
With something akin to
a soft growl Gabriel pulled him closer, making him sway on his knees towards
the other man.
Merry: Gimli swayed on his knees once.
Aragorn: I don’t even want to hear it.
Merry: He was swinging his axe! Honest!
Carl swallowed when
his face became level with the prominent bulge in black, wet cloth.
Pippin: Why are these two continually pissing themselves?
He knew what Gabriel
wanted but he could not do it! Not like that!
Arwen: 69 was much better!
Glorfindel: 69 is teh r0x0r!
He had never done
anything more with a man than mutual touches and kisses.
Boromir: Mmm, a virgin.
Faramir: *to Boromir* They never stay virgins long around you, do they?
Boromir: *to Faramir* You certainly didn’t.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Tease.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Slut.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Corpse.
He never wanted,
trusted another man enough to allow more. And now he was supposed to what? Suck
off this. this. beast?
Éomer: Suck my kiss!
He started shaking and
pulling back, forgetting that he was supposed to be pliant in order not to
anger the beast.
The panic overwhelmed
him and he started thrashing,
Frodo: …pliantly…
trying to escape the
hand keeping his head in place but it was too strong.
Sam: …without using strength…
It seemed to weigh a
ton and held him in place easily.
It took him a while to
realize that the beast was. rumbling?
Merry: Tommy squeaker.
Frodo: Shut up. It was pressure gas.
The sound wasn't gentle,
but it was softer than his growls from before. It was then that Carl realized
that Gabriel or whatever was left of him, was trying to comfort him.
Aragorn: Left of him. Memorize that, folks. This might be an important detail.
Faramir: Or not.
Legolas: Far more likely scenario.
Arwen: Listen, she’s not saying he was standing to the left of him. She’s saying that whatever was left of Gabriel was trying to comfort him.
Aragorn: Who was left of Gabriel?
Faramir: Maybe me? I can’t remember my blocking for that scene.
Arwen: *screams*
"No." He
whispered brokenly
Boromir: Brokeback Friar.
"Don't make me do
this. please. Gabriel." he begged brokenly,
Boromir: Brokeback…
Merry: *peeved* Yeah, you’ve said that.
but all it brought him
was an angry snort his way.
Théoden: Watch out for those snot rockets.
Elrond: *toThéoden* You are so gross, you know that?
Saruman: I said he was a brigand in the reek. Nobody ever listens to me.
It was clear that whenever
he tried to speak, reason with the beast/man he made him angry.
Boromir: Clearly he remembered the jester costume.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Get back in your boat.
Carl whimpered in fear
when one hand still buried in his hair
Arwen: I thought it was on his neck…
Faramir: Nah, he did something or another with my not-red hair.
Galadriel: OMG, continuity!!
kept him in place
while other moved over the sodden trousers
Pippin: That’s thrice with the soddens, now.
in a brief caress and
then to his face.
Théoden: I thought Carl was in his underwear, beneath his robes?
Haldir: And his clothes are in the pond.
Théoden: Right. So where are the trousers?
Éowyn: And why are the trousers so close to a face?
Faramir: I’m on my knees in front of Gabriel who’s wearing his own pair of sodden trousers. *mutters* Idiots.
The touch of slightly
cold fingers, without a trace of the deadly talons, made him jerk suddenly.
Boromir: Jerking AGAIN.
Faramir: *to Boromir* And just where are your hands right now?
With patience and
gentleness that surprised Carl, the beast traced his face,
Frodo: With tracing paper and pastels.
stroked over his brows
and his closed eyelids, soothing him, feeling him. He had the strangest urge to
both escape and stay,
Celeborn: Another good party trick.
Haldir: I hate Lothlorien.
being touched so
gently by something so ferocious and deadly.
When the hand left his
face, he kept his eyes closed. He heard the wet sounds of cloth being opened
Aragorn: *as the wet cloth* Slosh, slosh, squidgy, squidgy.
Gandalf: *to Aragorn* What the fuck are you doing?
Aragorn: *to Gandalf* I’m providing sound effects, you grumpy tosser.
but was too afraid to
open his eyes. Too afraid to see what was happening and loose that fragile
sense of peace he had managed to gain.
Merry: *to Faramir* Admit it. You’re just a massive hippy.
Aragorn: Pass the peace pipe?
When the fingers
returned, he jerked a little
Boromir: Hahaha, this is too much.
but otherwise remained
still on his knees, with his eyes closed, almost naked, feeling the cool night
air on his skin.
Galadriel: I keep picturing Donnie Wahlberg in “The Sixth Sense.” All shaky in his underwear.
Celeborn: *to Galadriel* Um, honeybun?
Faramir: My bod is WAY hotter than his.
The fingers returned,
callused and hard from years of fighting,
Boromir: Just like mine. *to Faramir* That must’ve been a comfort to you.
Faramir: It was a step backwards. Legolas’s are so smooth…
Aragorn: What?
but touching him with careful
consideration one would have of something very fragile and precious.
Arwen: Déjà vu. Did we do this already?
Éowyn: I’ll be damned if I’m going to scroll back and check.
He felt the fingers
touch his lips, trace them back and forth and then, finally the thumb pressed
stronger, forced him to reluctantly open them. He felt the thumb slip inside -
a little salty taste of skin mixed with the taste of water.
Pippin: Mix one tsp. salt with one cup of water. Add to flour. Beat eggs into mixture.
Merry: My little housewife.
It skimmed over his
teeth and then deeper, until it touched his tongue making him whimper and he
tried to pull away.
Faramir: *screeches* Not the tongue! Don’t touch my tongue!
Éowyn: That’s what I say every time.
Faramir: *to Aragorn* Why couldn’t you have just left her with the black breath?
To no avail. The hands
that were touching him so gently, held him with ruthless force.
Frodo: New and improved: Now gentler, with more ruthless force!
Sam: On sale at Walmart today.
Pippin: *sings* Roll baaaaaack.
The thumb withdrew
from his mouth, but before he had the chance to close his lips again, he felt
something different touching his bottom lip.
Oh God!
Elrond: Enter: George Burns.
Gandalf: *quotes* “There comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.”
Saruman: *to Gandalf* You should know.
Gandalf: *to Saruman* Go suck a balrog.
His eyes shot open
only to see the enlarged organ mere inches from his face.
Haldir: Too long had he been gone from the church. He had forgotten how to play.
Éomer: That’s a shame, because the organ’s the best part of the ball game.
It was flushed red
with blood, swollen and hard.
Pippin: Sounds like a nasty bite.
Théoden: Just a flesh wound.
Éowyn: *to Théoden* You were more amusing when your body was broken.
And big. It seemed
that all parts of his friend's body enlarged during this strange
transformation. Not only was he taller and more powerful. He was also better.
endowed.
Frodo:
The erection in front
of him was large and demanding,
Glorfindel: *as Van Helsing’s erection, as Cartman* Respect mah author…
All: GO HOME!
the flushed head
almost touching his bottom lip and the musk tickled his nose.
Boromir: *tickling Faramir’s nose* Coochie coochie coo!
He felt tears
gathering in his eyes.
He had dreamed about
doing this to Gabriel, about kissing him and touching him, but this. this cruel
trick of fate was too much.
Galadriel: *scoffs* Fate. He’s a simpleton.
Éowyn: Back off my man, bitch!
Aragorn: Oooh. Cat fight.
However, he wasn't
given the time to think about it any longer. The free hand stroked his cheek
once more and then he felt the cockhead press against his lips and he parted
them lightly, letting it slip a little inside his moist, hot mouth.
Merry: Moist.
Pippin: Hot.
Merry: Moist.
Pippin: Hot.
Merry: Moist.
Pippin: Hot.
Aragorn: Somebody remove their batteries.
He didn't know what he
expected. Some kind of violence maybe, a hard push. Maybe he expected the hand
that kept his head in place to suddenly push him forward.
Boromir: Push it real good!
What he didn't expect
was that stillness, that surprising patience. With only the tip of the swollen
organ touching his lips, slipping between them, the beast waited.
Waited for him.
Arwen: We’ve been waiting for something, anything to happen in this story for hours now.
Considering the pure
advantage of strength and ferocity, the beast had to know Carl was no threat.
Elrond: Especially since Carl took out his false teeth beforehand.
But still it waited.
It was all so confusing. He wanted to think about the creature as
"it", as a beast, but Gabriel's face and still his body, although
larger,
Treebeard: Everything’s better SuperSized.
Pippin: *excited* Hey Merry, that’s what I said to you when we found that turnip…
Merry: SHUT UP, Pip!
made it almost
impossible and he kept slipping back to thinking about the beast as Gabriel.
Carl had the sinking
feeling that the patience shown him by the creature wouldn't last much longer.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* I so would have decapitated you by now.
After all, the
man/beast was in obvious need. Closing his eyes briefly, Carl thought that he
wouldn't be able to stay unmoving for so long if he was in place of his captor.
The urge to thrust must have been maddening.
Merry: Must have been.
Frodo: And yet, wasn’t.
v When he closed his
eyes, he became even more aware of the situation.
Faramir: Now THAT’S a ranger’s talent.
Haldir: Seeing with your eyes closed? Pshaw. Child’s play.
Gandalf: It’s an edge on Sauron. He had no eyelid.
Haldir: We totally pwned Sauron.
Legolas: *to Haldir* We? You were very definitely dead.
Haldir: *dreamy* But think of me, and I shall be there in spirit.
The unique scent of
the man filled his nostrils
Arwen: Everybody in this story needs their noses sliced off.
Aragorn: Everybody? There are only two of them.
Arwen: Sorry. I nodded off a while back and forgot.
and he could almost
taste the erection resting heavily on his lower lip. It filled him with the
heady feeling of arousal, with a constant low grade fear in the background.
Pippin: Low grade fever?
Merry: Faramir has the clap.
Faramir: *snarls* Low grade FEAR.
Glorfindel: ph33r m3.
Peter Jackson: Not even leaving him out of the films did the trick.
Merry: For fuck’s sake, quiet down. We’ll end up with Tom Bombadil.
Somehow, the fact that
the creature wasn't forcing him to do anything more, was both soothing and even
more terrifying. It calmed him down some because he knew he wouldn't get hurt
physically. Whatever anyone may say, the instinct to protect one's body from
pain was one of the strongest drives people had. The instinctual, unthinking
gestures meant to protect us from harm, like closing the eyes when the wind was
strong, flinching from hot objects.
Frodo: Actually, she’s pretty perceptive in this paragraph. Coherent? No. Perceptive? Yes.
and he was more than
aware what this creature could do with it's incredibly sharp claws.
Gollum: Mustn’t hurt the preciousss.
He saw the vampire's
body shredded literally to pieces by them, he still remembered the narrow,
parallel marks on the stone walls where Gabriel in his Werewolf form had
sharpened his claws.
Faramir: …in order to use them as a toothpick.
And all the time he
was terrified that he would become their victim.
Faramir: I was so terrified I charged him with a stake. Watch me quake with fear as I heroically seek to destroy that which I, apparently, love and desire most.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You totally bloopered that bit.
Faramir: I was still heroic.
Boromir: In the sense of, bumbling.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Who fell down Amon Hen?
Boromir: I was pushed!
Frodo: *to Boromir* No you weren’t. I was yards away when you fell on your face.
Boromir: *grumbles*
So the surprising
restraint from his captor calmed him down a bit.
And terrified even
more
Arwen: I can’t keep his emotions straight.
Aragorn: *to Arwen* I’ve been saying that about you for decades.
because it meant that
Gabriel hadn't just turned into a mindless, cruel beast. He was still an
intelligent, thinking being. he somehow melded with the beast keeping both the
natures at peace somehow.
Sam: Somehow, but we are not sure somehow.
Merry: Somehow, we don’t think we’ll figure it out somehow.
Pippin: Somehow, I’m hungry.
Merry: *to Pippin* That went right over your head, didn’t it?
There was no fight in
him. He was animalistic in the most primitive way, but there had to be some
kind of recognition in him. He knew who Carl was and obviously didn't treat him
like a threat.
Éowyn: Oh my God, I have no idea what’s going on anymore.
Faramir: None of us do. We’re just hanging on for dear life.
Saruman: Why the fuck did we sign the contract to do this?
Even in his beast
form, he had to have some kind of affection for the friar, because
Pippin: …he could do nice fish n’ chips.
Sam: *to Pippin* You’re hopeless.
he wouldn't have
turned to sex.
Boromir: I turn to sex without affection all the time.
Faramir: *to Boromir* And you wonder why you’re alone.
Boromir: Actually, it’s just because there wasn’t room for another in the canoe.
But that only meant
that he was stalked by an intelligent, feral creature and it terrified him what
more would it want from him.
Boromir: *screaming* WHAT DOES IT WANT? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT WANT ALREADY?
Faramir: *doles out Boromir’s pills*
It also meant that
escape wouldn't be possible at all. At least until the night was over.
Celeborn: *sings* “When the night has come, and the land is dark…”
Arwen: *sings* “And the moon is the only light we see…”
Aragorn: *sings* “No, I won't be afraid. Oh, I won't be afraid.”
Balrog: *sings* “Just as long as you stand, stand by me.”
Legolas: Ah, Ben E. King.
Boromir: *to Legolas* Ah, Ben D.U. Over.
Aragorn: Oi!
But there was also a
third aspect. Gabriel wasn't physically hurting him. At least not yet
Faramir: If it means this will be over then please hurt me. God, please please hurt me.
Éowyn: I know a certain somebody who’s going into the cellar tonight…
Boromir: *to Éowyn* If I had a body you’d be very definitely dead.
Éomer: *to Boromir* You would die before your stroke fell!
Legolas: Stroke it, baybee.
Aragorn: Legolas, is there something you’re not telling me?
and it made him think
a little more clearly, it let his mind wander off from the situation and
actually see Gabriel for what he was.
The perfect essence of
strength, passion and animalistic eroticism.
Frodo: The new fragrance from Van Helsing.
Sam: You are very commercial today.
Frodo: Can’t help it. I’m so bored I’m reading magazine adverts.
When Carl felt the
free hand of the beast touch his cheek again, stroking it lightly he whimpered.
Faramir: Is his cockhead still in my mouth, or what?
Aragorn: Beats me.
Éowyn: *to Aragorn* That could be arranged. Come to the cellar…
The movement was both
soothing and arousing. With each moment that passed he felt a little more
secure, a little more lost in the beauty of the man holding him.
He felt the callused
fingertips trace the line of his jaw and then, reaching the juncture, push
lightly letting him know what it wanted.
Merry: Because the cockhead-in-mouth was too subtle.
Pippin: What’s a “cockhead”?
Half terrified, half
aroused and not exactly aware of what he was doing,
Boromir: Finally, an accurate description.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Remember what I said about being cut off? Think, like, eternity.
Carl let his jaw
slacken a little, parted his lips and teeth and whimpered loudly when he felt
the smooth, hot organ press deeper.
Haldir: Sensuously, he unhinged his jaw until his lips were pressed tightly around the gleaming golden pipes and bright ivory keys…
Galadriel: *to Haldir* You are entirely too hung up on church organs.
Haldir: *to Galadriel* Can I help it if you deprived me of religion?
When he felt the first
touch of the velvet hardness on his tongue,
Frodo: Velvet Hardness will totally be the name of our metal band.
Sam: Totally.
he moaned loudly
feeling one hot tear slide down his cheek and his cock surge back to hardness.
The slightly salty
taste of the other man's erection
Pippin: Like saltwater taffy, really. Mmm. Taffy.
filled his mouth and
he swallowed convulsively,
Boromir: Convulsively?
Faramir: In this story, I’m epileptic.
Aragorn: I’m about to go apoplectic if this shit doesn’t get good, immediately.
not sure what to do
with the head of Gabriel's cock now embedded in his mouth.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You knew what to do with mine in about five seconds flat.
Faramir: Natural talent.
The movement caused
his tongue to move lightly and he heard the little moan it elicited from his
captor.
Refusing to think
about his actions, for once refusing to analyze anything,
All: FINALLY!
he clenched his eyes
tightly shut and wiggled his tongue once more, actually enjoying the way the
erection in his mouth twitched and the large body in front of him shuddered
gently.
Faramir: Happy memories!
Carl gave in to the
situation, not wanting to know how he looked kneeling so submissively in front
of the large man, almost naked, with his cock up his mouth.
Gamling: Up his mouth?
Théoden: Gamling, darling! When did you arrive? *kiss kiss*
Gabriel defeated him,
won. without using his strength at all.
Frodo: Not this shit again.
Arwen: It’s about to get cah-ray-zee up in here!
He started caressing
the erection with jerky, somewhat clumsy motions, still unfamiliar with the
large bulk between his lips but it seemed it didn't matter to the beast.
Boromir: Fuck, yeah. So long as there are no teeth involved, who cares if it’s clumsy?
Aragorn: *to Boromir* You are such a romantic.
Boromir: Booyah!
Pippin: Booyah is a chicken stew.
Merry: Pippin, why are you even here?
Pippin: They said there’d be refreshments afterwards.
He wasn't sure what he
should do with the saliva that started pooling in his mouth,
Gollum: When in doubts, drools, my precious, my love. *gollum, gollum*
when swallowing was
almost impossible. He felt a small tickle escape his lips and run down his chin
and he let it,
Gollum: Hahahaha, see??
totally focused on the
living, hot flesh he was caressing.
Arwen: As opposed to the dead, cold flesh of his brother.
Faramir: Go give up your mortal life, ho.
It fascinated him that
even the smallest of movements, a mere touch of his tongue to the hard yet
velvety slit, caused the giant figure over him to shudder.
He felt one strong
hand caressing his scalp instead off just holding it like before and the other
hand stroking his face, his ear and neck. whatever it could reach.
Haldir: Cuz who the hell’s picky?
Boromir: *to Haldir* You’re my kind of guy.
It made him feel. less
a whore.
Éowyn: *snort* The only bigger whore in Arda is Legol…
Aragorn: *reaches for Anduril*
After all no one caressed
whores.
All: True dat.
It made him feel.
maybe not loved, because what they were doing was far, far away from making
love,
Aragorn: *gazing at Legolas* Not strictly true.
Legolas: *gazing back at Aragorn and sighing dreamily*
but respected. liked
at the least.
Boromir: *as Van Helsing* I like you. Wanna suck my cock?
Merry: *to Boromir* Actually, that’s not far from your usual pick-up line.
Carl was absolutely
mesmerized by what he was doing. He always thought that kneeling in front of
another man, sucking him, would be humiliating somehow but it didn't felt like
that. The arousal was humming in his body,
Pippin: Humming a polka.
Merry: *sings* “Roll out the barrel, we’ll have a barrel of fun…”
warming his blood and
making him eager to please, to give Gabriel pleasure. In that moment, it wasn't
the beast he was with, but his friend, his long loved and desired Gabriel.
He raised his hands
and took hold of the slim, yet powerfully muscled hips to steady himself. For one
brief moment, he expected his hands to be batted off but nothing like that
happened. He heard and approving growl from above and focused on the cock in
his mouth again.
Elrond: I have nothing to say about the preceding paragraph.
Gandalf: I cannot determine if that is good, or terribly frightening.
His eyes snapped open
when he felt the large hand that was petting him all this time stop suddenly,
on his throat. Such a vulnerable, open part of his body.
Aragorn: …because of the breathing tube.
Arwen: *to Aragorn* That’s just wrong.
Aragorn: I’m sorry, was there a politically correct clause I missed?
He flushed even more
when the wave of fear caused him to harden even more.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You’ve really gotten into the hard stuff, haven’t you?
The vulnerability of
his position was arousing him more than he would have ever dreamed possible.
He looked up into the
faintly gleaming, green eyes focused so intently on him and felt lost in their
dangerous, feral depth.
Merry: Hazel eyes.
Treebeard: ph33r my inaccuracies.
Sam: Maybe he did have green eyes—wasn’t it a comic, too?
Merry: Yeah, but who the fuck reads those?
Gently, but
insistently the hand started massaging his throat; forcing a swallowing motion
out of him.
Confused, Carl
stilled, his gaze still locked with the one of the beast
Frodo: The sign of the beast! *makes devil horn and bangs his head*
and was absolutely
pliant
Arwen: …again…
when the hips he was holding
to so desperately started moving lightly, thrusting the large cock into his
mouth a tiny bit at a time.
Éowyn: I feel dirty.
Faramir: Gabriel’s got some soap…
Unable to think,
unable to move or react, he only whimpered quietly and waited, mesmerized by
the sheer passion of life and barely restrained feral madness in those green,
green eyes.
Merry: Hazel, hazel eyes.
Faramir: You guys are fixating on all the wrong stuff.
Éomer: No, we’re just too traumatized to mention the rest.
He barely registered
that he kept swallowing in rhythm to the thrusts and movements of his captor's
hand.
Aragorn: Hand? Or cock?
Boromir: I’m confused.
Faramir: *to Boromir* If you don’t know the difference by now, I can’t help you.
Boromir: *mutters*
He realized what
Gabriel was going to do when he felt the blunt tip of the erection hit the back
of his throat forcing an instinctual reaction out of him.
Frodo: He needs to sharpen his erection.
Éowyn: Off to the smithy!
Faramir: I’d just like to take this moment to point out how good my instincts are.
Haldir: *to Faramir* They were great in that forest back there. Especially when you nearly killed yourself on a tree trunk.
Legolas: *sighs fondly* Which forest was that, again?
He never done it but had
it done to him. Still the very thought of taking that monster into his throat
was impossible to process and he tried to back off, scared again.
"Shh. Carl. Calm
down."
Faramir: One of my earliest memories of Boromir.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Shut up, I’m not THAT perverted.
Faramir: *snickers*
Said the beast in a
surprisingly gentle voice, never stopping the thrusting nor the massaging of
Carl's throat.
The friar tried to
move back, not entirely surprised that the hand massaging his scalp
Merry: Head n’ Shoulders.
Éowyn: *to Faramir* I’ve been meaning to mention that dandruff.
Faramir: My scalp is perfect and my hair is gorgeous.
Legolas: Otherwise I’d hate him.
held him easily in
place. Gabriel never broke their gaze, holding Carl under the intimate spell.
"Don't fight me
Carl. Just give in to me. just give in."
Boromir: *to Faramir* Is he going to give you noogies, now?
He whispered hoarsely
and started a slow, forward movement, easing the large head of his swollen cock
into the throat of both terrified and entranced friar.
He whimpered in fear,
but was still on his knees, feeling as his throat muscles stretched and
shifted, trying to fight off his gag reflex and finding the slow, massaging
movements of the beast's hand on his throat surprisingly helpful.
Frodo: Golly gee Gabriel, you sure are helpful!
Sam: I really wanted to give you a swell surprise, Carl!
Boromir: Hehe. Swell.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Juvenile.
The moment when his air
was cut off, the panic started to overwhelm him and he clenched his hands of
the naked hips of his captor so strongly that his nails cut the skin,
Saruman: *to Faramir* You’ve been seeing my manicurist!
Faramir: *to Saruman* That 10% off mani-pedi coupon was too good to resist.
and his eyes widened
in sheer panic.
But before it took him
completely the man backed off, easing his salty cock
Arwen: Ugh.
out of his throat so
that Carl could take a breath and before he had a chance to think, the cock was
pushed back, this time going in easier, deeper.
Closing his eyes
against the hot, green stare
Merry: *growls*
Théoden: Easy, tiger.
that seemed to see
right through him, refusing to give in to that beast even more than he had
already and tried to relax as much as possible.
Both hands were how
holding his head,
Frodo: How?
Pippin: It’s a mystery!
caressing his scalp,
Aragorn: …some more…
Legolas: I think that’s kinda sexy.
Haldir: *to Legolas* Fetishist.
soothing and arousing him
at the same time when he willingly let the beast fuck his mouth as long as it
pleased.
Gollum: And it went on long, precious, on and on and on, until we hates the story so bads we wrings its filthy little neck!
His own cock was hard
and straining under the wet cloth of his underwear
Faramir: I’m going to catch pneumonia before this is done.
and his mind was in a
strange state where only pleasure and desire existed.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Like the state I occupy whenever you’re around.
Legolas: *sighs
dreamily*
Gimli: That’s just gross.
He wasn't aware he was
holding to Van Helsing with a death grip,
Boromir: Bwahahaha! That’s my boy.
and that a low tickle
of blood
Elrond: Hmm.
Gandalf: Curious.
escaped the wounds he
made with his nails in the surprisingly vulnerable flesh of his hips. He was
only aware of the hard, hot slide
Pippin: Water slide?
Merry: No, Pip.
of the large cock into
his throat and out in a rhythm that allowed him to breath quite easily. It hurt
a little, having something as big in his throat but it hurt in a good way, each
thrust sending answering ripples to his own, forgotten cock.
Faramir: I didn’t forget it. It just didn’t want to come out and play.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Werewolves not your thing?
Faramir: Notsomuch.
The thought of
touching himself never crossed his mind, as he was totally absorbed in only the
flesh in his mouth.
He was vaguely aware
of the louder growls and the ragged breathing coming from above him, but it was
too hard to open his eyes and look at Van Helsing. To real a possibility of
breaking the spell.
Suddenly his captor's
hips jerked forward with a savage strength, forcing his cock so deep into
Carl's throat that his nose was actually buried in the coarse pubic hair,
Legolas: Mmm, hair.
Haldir: *to Legolas* You have a serious problem, you know that?
Arwen: *to Haldir* Why do you think he digs Gimli?
Aragorn: STOP IMPLYING MY BOYFRIEND’S A SLUT!
Arwen: Implying?
when the body above
him stiffened. Then with a low, feral growl the beast came.
Merry: And went.
Carl felt the cock
pulse in his throat, sending spurts of semen down his throat and for a brief
moment he regretted that he wasn't able to taste it.
Éowyn: Why?
Faramir: It’s a guy thing.
Éowyn: Apparently.
That the only chance
of knowing his friend so intimately was lost to him forever.
Frodo: Until the next time Gabriel shoves his bestial cock down Carl’s throat.
Faramir: I’ll pass, thank you.
When he started seeing
black spots from the lack of oxygen,
Gollum: Yesss, yesss preciousss!
Sméagol: *to Gollum* Just stop it, FFS.
the beast backed off,
pulling his already softening member out, so that only the head stayed in
Carl's mouth.
Faramir: I’m just a cockhead warmer, to him.
Boromir: Well, somebody’s gotta do it.
Still with his eyes
closed, he felt the new, slightly bitter taste in his mouth and gently lapped
at the head with his tongue, trying to get last of the drops of semen.
Pippin: I know a song about seamen!
Merry: Not seamen, Pippin. Semen.
Pippin: *looking mystified* That’s what I said.
Merry: *grumbling* Nevermind.
He felt the thumb
stroke his swollen lips still stretched around Gabriel's member and whimpered,
for the first time realizing that he was incredibly aroused.
Faramir: WTF?
Boromir: *to Faramir* You were aroused about fifty five times during the course of this interminable encounter.
Aragorn: I hate this.
"Beautiful."
The words were not more than a low growl, but still they made Carl's eyes snap open
and he looked into the wickedly glowing green eyes that pierced that darkness
and shivered.
Boromir: Gabriel’s eyes shivered?
Frodo: *to Boromir* That is so the least thing wrong with this story.
Somehow he was sure
that this night wasn't over yet.
Faramir: Please let me be wrong.
END PART 3
Aragorn: Oh. my. God.
Théoden: You mean…there could be more?
Legolas: Check the contract, quick!
Elrond: Screw dat. I’m going to Starbucks for an espresso and some beat poetry.
Arwen: Wait. There are two parts before this?
Faramir: I’m not even sure what I’m doing in them.
Treebeard: I think we can all take an educated guess.
Boromir: I can’t even be happy that it’s the end. I have to live in fear of part 4, or 5, or 6…oh no no no.
Pippin: Do we get to eat now?
Merry: More to the point, do we get to drink now?
Frodo: Something stiff, preferably.
Boromir: *to Frodo* I’ve got something stiff for you.
Sam: *to Boromir* STFU, longshanks. *glares*
Éowyn: I think I’ll have that bucket back, please.
Legolas: *to Haldir, eyeing his hair* You know, I could do something to handle those fly-aways.
Haldir: *to Legolas* Really? *excited* You’re not so bad after all.
Gimli: For a pointy-eared, elvish princeling.
Legolas: *to Gimli* But I’m your princeling. *sighs dreamily*
Aragorn: *pulling Legolas up by the ear* We have some serious talking to do.
Éomer: *checks contract* Guys… *blanches* We signed on for ALL PARTS FUTURE AND PRESENT, as well as EVERY OTHER FANFIC the management throws our way!
Lurtz, Gothmog, and the Witch-King of Angmar: pwned.
Aragorn: I am so decapitating my lawyer.
Arwen: I think I’ll go cash in on that mortal life, now.
Frodo: *trembling with fear* I’m glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee.
Sam: *huggles*
Théoden: What kind of devil would torture us in this way?
Balrog: Don’t look at me.
Gandalf: It is the greatest evil Middle Earth has ever known.
Celeborn: Do we even know who wrote this, anyway? Like, her real name and home address?
Galadriel: I know. But as usual, I’m not telling.
Celeborn: *to Galadriel* Tart.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You know I love you.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You know I love you.
Faramir: *to Boromir* I wasn’t really going to cut you off.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I know, little bro. It’s all good. Wanna blow my horn?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Do you even have to ask?
Pippin: Merry.
Merry: What?
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry: Fuck you.
Pippin: Fuck you!
Merry: Fuck you!
Pippin: Fuck you!
Merry: Fuck you!
Pippin: Okay. Your place or mine?
Gollum: We wants more, we does, precious.
Sméagol: We be going to find a pool of lava now.
Gandalf: The torture of Part 3 is over. The torture of other fics is about to begin.
Théoden: *to Éowyn* You shall live to see these fanfics end.
Celeborn: *to Galadriel* Seriously. Tell me who wrote this. You’re just doing it to annoy me, now.
Galadriel: *hums*
Sauron: Boo.