LotR /MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What
follows here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and sometimes just plain mean MST.
Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in
the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com) and Elijah Wood is Very,
Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com).
I hereby present my humble offering in homage.
It also helps if you have seen
the extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, listened to the
commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing familiarity of the
LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then you’ll recognize a
couple of the character traits portrayed here. OH, and you won’t understand
some of the standing jokes unless you’ve read my previous MSTs.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote
this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do
love them) and for the author, “sandyg.” I have no
idea who “sandyg” is, but kudos to you, girl (or
boy). Never, ever stop writing. I mean that seriously.
Let the fun begin!
Elrond: Gather ‘round,
people.
Gandalf: Today we have
a fairly short piece entitled “Family Portrait 7: Double Trouble.”
Boromir: That sounds
like a porn title.
Gandalf: Perhaps to
Boromir’s disappointment, it is only rated “R,” which rules out the possibility
of pornography…
Boromir: Damnit.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
But it’s better than the PG’s and PG-13’s we’ve been getting, right?
Gandalf: Quiet! I
haven’t finished introducing the story yet.
Elrond: Alright, I
have a massive hangover from a piss-up in the Mirkwood last night, so I’m going
to make this short and sweet so I can have a lie-down and some aspirin. Title
we’ve done, rating we’ve done. Subject matter: “The Lord of the Rings,” Aragorn
and Legolas.
Legolas: *bounces* Yay!
Aragorn: This’ll be
fun!
Faramir: And such a
welcome break from focusing on me as Carl.
Boromir: I’m gonna
miss Carl. He had great entertainment value.
Saruman: I have a
feeling we haven’t seen the last of our Van Helsing days.
Elrond: Last but not
least, we have the author. Someone called “sandyg.”
Merry: Well then,
let’s dig right in!
Frodo: Ought to be a
laugh.
Elrond: Oh, before I
forget! The management asked me to warn you all that this story is something
called an “mpreg.”
Arwen: Is that some
new form of digital media?
Celeborn: I think I
have an mpreg player back at Caras
Galadhon, if we need it in a pinch.
Legolas frantically rummaged through the one deep kitchen
cabinet. Where was that stolen half of apple cinnamon cake?
Legolas: I like apple
cinnamon cake?
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Oh, you will the way I make it. Remind me to find the recipe when we get back
to the
He knew he had hidden the sweet in this lower cabinet since
the pans contained within were only used for special desserts and treats. Come
now, he had hidden the cake this morning right after breakfast!
Frodo: Come now,
little cakeling!
Merry: Heeere Cakey, c’mon Cakey, come out come out wherever you are…
Boromir: Sad thing is
this is how they talk to their food all the time.
Gandalf: Hobbits.
No one saw him do
this or did they?
Elrond: How the hell
am I supposed to know?
Arwen: Adar, I can
handle this if you want to go stretch out on the cot upstairs.
Boromir: *to Arwen*
There’s a cot upstairs?
Arwen: *to Boromir*
Yeah, it’s always been there. Just in case someone takes ill, etc. The
management recognizes some of these stories are both lengthy and emotionally
taxing.
Boromir: *mutters*
Faramir and I had to use the BATHROOM last time…wish somebody would tell us
these things…
Arwen: *to Elrond* If
you want to use that cot, you’d best do it now. I don’t think you’ll want it
after Denethor’s boys are done with it.
Elrond: Let’s just
move on.
A low long growl emerged from under his blue silk robe.
Gimli: Am I down there
yet again?
Aragorn: *blinks* When
did you get here, Gimli?
Gimli: I’ve been here
the whole time. Under Leggy’s robe. Coming up now for
a breather.
Aragorn: Aha, that’s a
fun little prank you pulled!
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Gimli was pulling more than pranks…
Aragorn: What was
that, Boromir?
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
Nothing, my king! Just the usual disgusting incestuous sex talk in which my
brother and I so frequently engage.
Legolas: *whistles
while straightening his robe*
Frowning angrily Legolas rubbed his large pregnant belly.
Legolas: Uh…
All: …
Legolas: Um…
Aragorn: Holy shit.
Did I knock you up?
Arwen: Dude!
Elrond: I think it’s
my bad head slowing my processing time, but…did we actually just read that
Legolas possesses a “large pregnant belly”?
Arwen: Verbatim.
Boromir: …Bwahahahahaha. *slaps knee*
Faramir: This story is
opening up all kinds of snark possibilities.
Éowyn: We might
actually have…oh, how it pains me to say this…fun, with this one.
Éomer: It’s impossible
for men to get pregnant, isn’t it? *panics* Isn’t it?
Éowyn: Yes, my
brother. Since this is just fiction, I’d not worry too much about conceiving
some hellish lovechild with Gríma.
Éomer: Phew. Thanks,
sis.
Haldir: Oh how I have
been yearning for something like this. Legolas, pregnant! This is too good.
Galadriel: Marchwarden, take it easy on him. He’s pregnant; it’s a
very emotional and sensitive time.
Oh yes, this anxious baby wanted food.
Frodo: *to Legolas*
Your baby’s already kinda creeping me out.
Legolas: *to Frodo,
hurt* Why?
Frodo: *to Legolas* It’s
just a feeling…I’m just going to be watching your stomach very closely. If it
looks like anything’s going to break through and crawl out, scramble around the
table, and do a cake walk…I’m running.
Don't worry, baby, Momma was trying to find the treat because
Momma felt desperately hungry!
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
This is you talking to our baby?
Legolas: Apparently.
Faramir: Okay. I
change my initial impression. There’s snark potential
here, but the entire thing is so immensely weird that I’m not sure I can
concentrate enough to make use of it.
Merry: *to Faramir* Do
try, dude. Contract. Plus if we all just make an effort, we’ll get done
quicker, and then we can all shower to scrub off the heebie
jeebies, go drinking,
and get pissed to the point of erasing any entire memory of this story.
Pippin: *to Merry* We
can all shower together?
Merry: *to Pippin* If
that’s what it takes to get us through the trauma.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
And look on the bright side, little brother. Now we know who we’re talking
about when we make those “Yo momma” jokes.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
I’m pregnant, you git. Watch your back. Hormones make
us mothers-to-be homicidal.
Leaning in deeper Legolas desperately felt around past the
torte pans and the dessert molds. Nothing! Arrgh!
"Looking for this, my love?"
Aragorn: Ah, see? I’ve
come to save the day and give the…mother of my child the sweet cake she, er, he so dearly craved... Hah, I’m sorry. I’m trying to take
this seriously, but it’s just too much.
Stiffening in pure surprise Legolas backed out, he bumping
his head on the cabinet edge. Ouch! Sitting back on his knees Legolas twisted
around, he watching in dismay as Aragorn shoved the last bite of apple cake
into his smiling mouth.
Boromir: Hahaha, now
that’s a compassionate dad-to-be.
Aragorn: Well, I did
say it’s all too much. I think I’m back on the snark
potential bandwagon. *to Legolas* I’m sorry baby…but I am overcome with the
temptation to take the piss. You? Pregnant? It’s a gem of an idea! Hahaha.
Legolas: *scowls*
You’ll get yours, Elessar. Just you wait.
After emitting an
angry gasp Legolas pouted up at his mate.
Frodo: Uh oh.
Sam: He’s pulling out
the pout so soon. Page 2, even.
Merry: This really is
a blast. *laughs hysterically*
Pippin: Guys?
Merry: Yes, Pip?
Pippin: Legolas is
pregnant?
Merry: Yes, Pip.
Pippin: I don’t know
why, but…that scares me.
Merry: Correct
response. Be afraid, Pip. Be very afraid.
Pippin: *crawls under
chair*
Gollum: Scottish
Hobbit! What’s it doings down here?
Pippin: Um…hiding?
Gollum: It wants to
play games of riddleses?
Pippin: I, uh…
Merry: *yanks Pippin
up* Sit down properly and pay attention.
Pippin: But Merry, the
little smelly man down there was going to give me riddles!
"Aragorn! You
deceitful bitch! That's not fair! I hid that delicious cake for my snack, not
yours!"
Faramir: Stealing food
right out of your pregnant…er…boyfriend’s mouth.
Boromir’s been wearing off on you.
Haldir: *chortles* I
am LOVING every minute of this. Look how hormonal little Leggy is! Awww!
Legolas: *grouses*
Aragorn, you are SO making me that fucking cake. The minute you walk in the
door.
Aragorn performed a mocking little bow. "And I thank
you for hiding such a delicious snack for me. Your baby thanks you too."
Aragorn patted his own bulging pregnant belly.
All: …
Haldir: Hahahahahaha, oh God…I think I might wet myself…
Arwen: Why do I feel
violated? It’s like…so completely wrong that I feel like…a part of me is dying.
I’m going to have to go into therapy after this.
Elrond: Into therapy,
into the West. We’ll flip a coin. *to Galadriel* Our little experiment with the
race of men was a bigger failure than we originally thought.
Galadriel: Oh, I don’t
know. I think it’s a remarkably enlightened thing. Feminists everywhere will
rejoice. Men, at last, must deal with the troubles of carrying and bearing a
child. I see real possibility in this…
Haldir: But for right
now? Let’s just focus on the funnies. Legolas and Aragorn have big fat pregnant
bellies, and they’re fighting over cake. It just doesn’t get any better than
this!
Relenting from his anger Legolas smiled; thinking of
Aragorn carrying his baby made him extremely happy.
Legolas: It makes me extremely
confused. I’m pregnant…he’s pregnant…neither of us should have wombs…
Boromir: One thing’s
clear, though.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
What’s that?
Boromir: *to Legolas*
You take turns with tops n’ bottoms.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
Thank Eru for that. Otherwise I’d be the only one pregnant and enduring the
brunt of your jokes. At least this way Aragorn has to suffer along with me.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Gee, thanks for wanting to shield me and spare me any harm.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
You knock me up, steal my cake, tell me you’re going to take the piss, and then
expect ME to be your human shield?
Merry: *to Legolas* Elven shield.
Legolas: Whathefuckever.
Elrond: *to Arwen* I
think this is going to end in bloodshed…
Éowyn: Fingers
crossed…
"Well, you
cruel Father, your sad little baby feels hungry and neglected. He's kicking me
in annoyance. Look at my wide belly jump!"
Haldir: Hahahahaha, no no no, it’s too much! His wide belly!
Legolas: *glares*
Gandalf, I want this story stopped right now. Let’s find a new one.
Gandalf: Management
says we must do this story. I am sorry, Legolas.
A soft laugh teased Legolas
Boromir: I just can’t
rein myself in for a “soft laugh.” *boisterous laughter*
Legolas: *to Boromir*
It could just as easily have been you and Faramir.
Boromir: *wide eyed*
Oh my God…
Faramir: *places hand
on Boromir’s shoulder* S’ok bro…
Boromir: *to Faramir*
DON’T TOUCH ME! *panics*
before Aragorn arched his dark brows. "Excuse me, my
lovely Elf, who is hungry and unhappy?
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Legolas: And I am
seriously unhappy.
Merry: *to Aragorn*
There’s your answer, then.
I am sure my strong
healthy child is gaining all the proper nutrients from your voluptuous
body."
Arwen:
Legolas…voluptuous…shit, I feel a giggle coming on.
Frowning in dismay Legolas gazed over his rounded body.
Haldir: I LOVE these
adjectives!
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Can I borrow Anduril?
"Oh my love, I
am becoming quite fat, aren't I?
Boromir: *to Legolas*
You know, I’ve been meaning to mention that to you.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Seriously, Anduril…just for a minute?
You can't see my arm
muscles anymore! I'm growing all blubbery and soft.
Sam: Hey…
Frodo: He’s not
talking about you, Sam.
Merry: *to Sam*
Legolas is saying that his own body is blubbery and soft.
Sam: …I’m not sure how
I feel about that.
Merry: *to Sam* About
Legolas being pregnant?
Sam: *to Merry* About
not being the only fat one.
It's entirely your
fault too.
Boromir: Birth
control’s the woman’s responsibility too, Legolas.
Legolas: I’m not a fucking
woman! *stomps foot*
Haldir: *to Legolas*
But in that robe, with that belly and that hair, throwing a hissy
fit…well, the lines do blur.
If you hadn't taken
us so close to Saruman's tower we would have never
stumbled into that strange spell.
Aragorn: *glares*
Saruman!
Legolas: *to Saruman*
You are SO dead, wizard.
Saruman: *to Legolas*
Too late, remember?
Legolas: *to Gríma*
You are SO dead, weirdo.
Gríma: *to Legolas*
It’s okay, Legolas. We understand that the blood supply that would otherwise be
feeding your brain is diverted to your and Aragorn’s love child.
Whoever thought that
Saruman owned such a sick sense of humor?"
Gandalf: Hahaha.
Sauron: Everybody
knows Saruman’s a sick old fuck. Why do you think I
fancy him?
Saruman: *fluttering lashes*
As he leaned against the blue tiled wall
Arwen: Who remodeled
the kitchen?
Elrond: Blue tile?
Arwen: Legolas has not
been a good influence on Minas Tirith. I can’t wait until he goes back to
Ithilien. Then he can do something tacky with Faramir’s place.
Faramir: It’s too
late. My wife’s already beat the good taste out of Emyn Arnen. The Rohan?
Middle Earth trailer trash.
Aragorn mockingly
shook his head. "Oh please, so I hear all the time. Aragorn, you ninny, I
wouldn't be pregnant if you hadn't taken that dangerous back path.
Boromir: *falls off
his chair laughing*
Faramir: So Aragorn,
you took Legolas by the back path, huh? *snickers*
Legolas: We wouldn’t
be in this mess if he’d settled for a blowjob.
Aragorn, look what has happened to us. Look, Legolas, I
wouldn't be pregnant either.
Haldir: Which would be
a shame, because I haven’t laughed this hard in a life age of the world.
I think I paid for
my monumental mistake in judgment.
Legolas: *eyeing Aragorn*
I’m starting to think I made a monumental mistake in judgment, too.
Aragorn: *frowns*
Leggy? Baby?
Do you think I enjoy
being the first pregnant King of Gondor?
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
Probably not, but boy do we enjoy it!
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
I fucking CRIED when you croaked, you tosser.
Do you think I like
enduring the amused stares and smothered giggles
Merry: Except we’re
not smothering our giggles.
Frodo: Or our guffaws.
as I grow heavy with
your exceptionally large child?"
Legolas: *whines* Why
is MY child exceptionally large? Elves are lean and lithe!
Saruman: Except when
under the influence of my “little fat elfling” spell.
Gandalf: *to Saruman*
So what you’re saying is you’ve essentially turned Legolas’s kid into a hobbit?
Saruman: *to Gandalf*
Essentially.
Legolas: Is it too
late to abort?
Stiffening in annoyance Legolas planted his hands on his
fat hips.
Haldir: This is great.
This story takes half the work out of insulting you, Legolas.
Legolas: *to Haldir* I
am NEVER playing with your hair again.
Haldir: *to Legolas*
Hey, man, your loss. I was snipped centuries ago.
Legolas: *to Haldir* I
have to admit that’s becoming an attractive trait.
"Oh, but it's
all right for your consort to be pregnant."
Arwen: I’m not
pregnant.
Elrond: You’re also
not his consort, Arwen.
Éowyn: *to Arwen*
Yeah, you’re his beard.
Elrond: Staggering
difference, really.
"Come now, I did not say that."
"You just implied it."
"Legolas, my darling one, stop acting so bitchy.
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
We’ve been waiting for you to say that to him since we left Rivendell with the
One Ring.
Frodo: Better late
than never.
It's highly
unbecoming to such a beautiful Elf."
Celeborn: There’s
nothing unbecoming about a beautiful elf being bitchy.
Galadriel: Precisely.
Slowly walking over
Aragorn leaned down, he holding out his large hand to Legolas.
Merry: Swelling in the
extremities?
Pippin: Nah, it’s just
Tall Paul.
"Here, sweetheart. Get up so we can go back to our
comfortable bed."
Pouting sullenly
Theoden: It’s rather
nice to see a story capture Legolas so accurately.
Legolas shook his
thick blond hair, he fixing his wide blue gaze on Aragorn's face.
Elrond: I’m so stunned
by the premise that I can’t even focus on poking fun at grammatical errors.
Frodo: I hope the
audience won’t feel cheated.
"But my Aragorn
I still feel so hungry! My belly is growling.
Aragorn: GIMLI! Get
out from under there.
Look, I think your
irritated child is trying to kick its way from my swollen body!
Faramir: *to Legolas*
Are you sure that’s not Boromir’s child?
Legolas: *to Faramir*
Let me count back the months…
Aragorn: Uh, Legolas?
Your child is
starving to death in there because you, being a greedy bastard, ate my midnight
snack!"
Éomer: *to Legolas*
Your melodrama is starting to get on my nerves.
Legolas: *to Éomer* As
are your warts on mine.
Aragorn managed not to roll his green-blue eyes.
Haldir: *to Aragorn*
God-like self-control.
As Legolas grew with
his child his sense of drama also grew.
Frodo: The thing is?
This really is an accurate portrayal of his personality.
Legolas: *to Frodo*
I’m not above bitch-slapping little people.
"Well please, my round love, let me haul you up
Haldir: Somebody bring
the fork lift!
Boromir: *to Haldir*
They may be beyond that.
Haldir: Somebody bring
the crane!
and we'll find something together, all right?"
Instead of complying Legolas continued pouting.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
That’s wearing thin, now.
Haldir: *to Aragorn*
The only thing “thin” in this story!
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Still want Anduril?
"I wanted that sweet savory apple cake. I hid that
special treat for me and you stole it!
Arwen: For God’s sake
stop whinging. I bet there’s something sweet and savoury right on the refreshment table, ten feet away.
Legolas: I can’t make
it. I’m too rotund to get up. *pouts*
You are a wicked sneaky Ranger!
Gollum: *under chair*
Wicked, tricksy, false!
Sméagol: *under chair*
Try somethings original, precious.
Is this how you
intend on raising our children? Are you going to train them to be sneaky sly
little food thieves?
Aragorn: No, Merry and
Pippin are going to take care of that.
That's a fine
example for a king to set for his children."
Somehow controlling his laughter
Faramir: *to Boromir*
You should take a lesson.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Laughter’s the best medicine.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Listen, this lot’s not going to forgive you as quickly as I do. You’re not in a
hot n’ heavy relationship with them.
Legolas: *to Faramir*
Well, not all of them.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
I think I might want to meet you by the cot, later. *glares at Legolas*
Aragorn restrained
his amusement to a mere grin. "My dear mate, do you know how cute you are
when you pout? "
Merry: Oh, c’mon.
Don’t encourage him!
Legolas tried maintaining his strict pout until he began
laughing. "No, dear one, please tell me how cute I am."
Arwen: Is this going
to get disgusting now?
Elrond: “Get”
disgusting? You mean it isn’t already?
Arwen: *to Éowyn* You
didn’t happen to bring that bucket…?
Spreading his hands wide Aragorn grandly recited words.
"Cute, adorable, sweet, lovely, splendid, dazzling, gorgeous, beautiful...
every adjective that describes something amazing and glorious applies to you,
my enchanting mate."
Aragorn: *sighs* It’s
all true.
Legolas: *snuggles up
to Aragorn* I’m sorry I’m so bitchy, baby.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
I’m sorry I knocked you up, snookums.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
I’m sorry I knocked you up too, pumpkin.
Aragorn: My enchanting
mate…
Arwen: Yeah,
definitely going to need that bucket. NOW!
A wide smile instantly replaced Legolas' deep pout.
"Hmm, my darling, flattery will get you a sweet wet kiss
Gríma: Yuck.
once you help me up
from this floor. My fat legs are going numb."
Haldir: Haha. *to
Legolas* How the hell did you run from Amon Hen to Fangorn on those little
sausages, anyway?
Boromir: *to Haldir*
Dude, nobody wants to listen to you carry on as much as me, but you might wanna
take it down a notch. Aragorn’s pretty liberal with the beheadings.
Aragorn hauled Legolas' substantial weight up,
Haldir: *to Boromir*
Can’t help it…too tempting…must…take the mickey…
they facing each
other, pressing their round bellies tight as their full lips shared a long deep
kiss.
Faramir: *sighs* It’s
really quite romantic.
Boromir: *hits
Faramir* Snap out of it!
Moaning in
satisfaction Legolas ran his long fingers down Aragorn's broad back, he pulling
them closer together.
"Ah ha, Mommy Aragorn,
Frodo: *cringes* I’m really
uncomfortable, now.
Merry: *kicks under
Frodo’s chair* Oi Gollum! Shove over.
I know where that
delicious apple cake went. You feel a little wider right here." Legolas'
fingers pinched Aragorn's right side.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Aw. Love handle.
"Well now, my love, we'd better find you some food so
you can keep up. I don't want to be the fattest pregnant male in the
palace."
Gandalf: I have a
suspicion Tolkien never, even in his wildest hallucinogenic-inspired fantasies,
dreamed that anyone in Arda would utter those words.
Another brief pout flashed across Legolas' sharp features.
"Ha, don't worry, you aren't. That's why you still look so amazingly sexy;
Boromir: …or
something.
I can still see all
your divine hard muscles.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
I told you those tight pants suited you.
Your powerful arms
are still taut and firm. Look at my upper arms! They're becoming saggy and
soft!"
Legolas: *annoyed*
Yeah, she’s already done the “let’s-talk-about-the-elf’s-blubber” bit.
Haldir: But it’s just
as good the second time!
"Well, darling, Gandalf thinks you have more estrogen
in your system;
Elrond: *to Gandalf* I
didn’t know you were an OB/GYN!
Gandalf: *to Elrond*
Harvard med, even.
male Elves are more
balanced in the hormonal distribution.
Saruman: We’re going
to learn entirely too much about the anatomy and physiology of elves and men
before this is over, aren’t we?
Sauron: *to Saruman*
Shut up. You got us into this.
And admit it, Legolas,
you have been attacking desserts and sweets with great lust.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Can’t you just imagine that? Having seen his great lus…
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
What was that?
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
Uh, more incestuous banter.
If there's a sweet
treat within 20 feet of you it ends up in your pretty mouth."
Haldir: I could make a
joke that if something else is within 20 feet of Legolas it ends up in his
pretty mouth…
Galadriel: *to Haldir*
You could.
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
But I won’t. Because sometimes the truth’s just not funny.
Pout number three threatened Legolas' beautiful face.
Éomer: I’m pretty sure
we’re up to at least six pouts, now.
"Oh la de dah,
Legolas: Never once
have I uttered the words “la de dah.”
Elrond: I don’t think they
qualify as “words,” Legolas.
Legolas: Whatever. I
still haven’t uttered them!
Haldir: First time for
everything.
listen to Mr. Male
Testosterone dispensing knowledge.
Boromir: Ooh. Good
zinger.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
Fuck off and die.
Boromir: *to Legolas*
Been there, done that.
Aren't you just the
big strong man!"
Aragorn: Well yes, yes
I am, thankyouverymuch.
Aragorn swiftly pressed his heavy belly into Legolas'
weight.
Faramir: This is
bordering on fetish.
Boromir: Bordering?
"That's right,
darling, I am your big strong man and you are my delicate beautiful Elf.
Arwen: I’m really a
very good sport. But I think I’ve hit saturation point.
Boromir: Time for a
new sponge, she-elf.
Arwen: *to Faramir* I
am officially ignoring your brother.
Faramir: *to Arwen*
It’s kinda nice, isn’t it?
Well, my formerly delicate Elf!"
Haldir: Haha. Feel the
romance!
Looking playfully insulted Legolas cocked
Haldir: …if he can
still see it.
Legolas: Galadriel,
don’t the borders of Lorien need patrolling, or
something?
Galadriel: Nah,
they’re all good.
Legolas: *to
Galadriel* Couldn’t throw me a bone, huh bitch?
his slender fist
toward Aragorn's handsome face.
Boromir: Finally, some
violence!
"My king, unless
you find something satisfying for me to eat you are going to be sporting a
black eye!"
Legolas: Hang about.
He’s not technically my king, is he?
Frodo: That is so the
least thing wrong about all this.
As he rolled his eyes Aragorn grinned with wicked intent.
"Legolas, you do realize threatening the king is a treasonous act?
Boromir: Send him to
the block!
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Be nice.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I never have been, why ruin a good thing?
Ah well, since I adore you beyond time
Elrond: What does that
mean?
Galadriel: I’m
timeless and I have no clue.
I'll let your threat
pass.
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
Pussy.
Now look, my love, how about you return to our room? I'll
bring up a sumptuous snack for you, all right?"
Boromir: I’ve got a sumptuous
snack for you.
Gandalf: *to Faramir*
Will you just go take care of him so he’ll pass out and we can finish this in
peace?
Legolas narrowed his shimmering blue eyes. "Promise
you won't eat it all first?"
Sam: *to Aragorn*
Yeah, fatty. *beams* Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this.
Holding up his right hand Aragorn tried for a serious
expression. "Darling Elf, I swear on my royal soul."
"Good. I'll be waiting." After sharing another
devouring kiss
Theoden: *to Aragorn*
Just how long have you been starving the poor boy?
Legolas waddled away
Haldir: *tears
streaming down his face* Can’t laugh any more…God it hurts, it hurts…
from the kitchen, he
nodding to the amused ground floor guards. They were used to seeing him
waddling down to the kitchen late at night. Ha, they were used to their king
and his Prince waddling down to the kitchen for food raids. Well, Aragorn
wasn't waddling yet but he was close.
Frodo: This is the
most waddling Middle Earth has ever seen.
Merry: Outside of the
Shire.
Frodo: Good point.
What a well-matched
pregnant pair!
Legolas continued through the silent great hall, he moving
Elrond: Why does she
keep doing that? “He nodding” and “he moving”…
Arwen: *to Elrond* I see
you’ve recovered enough to play grammar police.
Elrond: I think I’m
just numb to it all now.
across to the grand
main stairwell. Steps, arrgh, how he hated steps!
Saruman: Finally,
someone understands.
Clutching the marble
banister Legolas hauled his belly up the stairs.
Éomer: What, is he
dragging it behind him?
By the Gods Legolas
hated his growing belly thudding against his thighs.
Boromir: Haha, that’s
the first time Legolas has ever complained about something thudding against his
thighs.
But he certainly didn't hate his child, oh no.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Why not? I hate his child.
Legolas: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* You are so not getting an invite to the baby
shower.
As much as the
condition was a completely unexpected shock Legolas actually enjoyed being
pregnant.
Faramir: *to Legolas*
You really are enjoying it, aren’t you?
Legolas: *sheepish*
It’s rather grown on me.
Aragorn: No pun
intended.
Reaching the first level Legolas waddled down to the far
end. Their original royal suite was up on the second floor but they decided to
move below. Both were beginning to find it hard to get around.
Éowyn: Will you two
just squeeze ‘em out and be done with it, already?
Legolas wouldn't
mind moving to the ground floor but there were no bedrooms. Ha, they could take
over the grand lower library and move their bed in.
Faramir: No fair! I
love that library!
Boromir: *to Faramir*
That’d really put a damper on your reading hobby.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
He could read in bed with us.
Faramir: *to Legolas*
What, sandwiched between two giant pregnant bellies? I’d rather get in bed with
Éowyn.
Éowyn: …*to Legolas*
Mind if I come shack up with you two, instead?
Frowning thoughtfully Legolas shrugged. It wasn't a bad
plan, not at all. If he grew much larger he'd suggest the idea.
Faramir: I am packing
up all those books for Emyn Arnen as soon as we’re finished here.
As Legolas entered their suite the two personal guards
bowed deeply. Before he shut the door Legolas grinned at them. "Maybe I
should send you boys down for my midnight snacks!"
Choking gently
Haldir: Go on, guards.
Choke Legolas hard. I dare you.
they both smiled.
"If you desire, Prince, we'll do that for you."
Legolas winked in delight.
Arwen: *to Legolas* I
hate you in this story.
Legolas: *to Arwen* I
hate myself in this story. It’s all good.
"No, right now
I have the King himself fetching for me."
Exchanging startled glances the guards maintained their smiles.
"Oh, well that's lovely, Prince."
Boromir: *as guards*
Isn’t that special?
Faramir: *as guard #1*
I TOLD you not to engage him in conversation!
Merry: *as guard #2*
I’ve never been so sorry about anything in my life.
"I certainly think so. Good night again!" Legolas
shut the heavy carved door,
Frodo: *as guards*
FINALLY.
he waddling
Haldir: You know, the
waddling isn’t even funny anymore.
across the ornate sitting room back to their bedroom. Oh,
the grand bed called loudly to him!
Boromir: It’s not
calling to him, it’s begging him not to crush it to death.
No, urrgh... another long low grumble echoed inside his hungry
belly. "All right! Stop being so greedy! Your Father is coming! And when
he enters this room he'd better have something seriously tasty for me."
Boromir: *to Legolas*
And if he doesn’t, I do.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
Shut up. Immediately.
Off came the silk robe.
Gimli: There goes my
hiding place.
Before Legolas stretched out in bed he gravitated to the
large silver mirror. Legolas wasn't usually a vain Elf
All: Bwahahahaha!
but as his pregnancy progressed he couldn't keep away from
mirrors.
Haldir: …which all
prayed for another eruption of
As he studied
himself Legolas thought, "Admit it, you fat thing, you adored this new
condition; what an intimate experience!"
Elrond: *to Legolas*
Are you a little bit retarded?
It always awed
Legolas that a little child grew inside his new womb.
Legolas: For sale,
womb. One owner since new.
Legolas' wide blue eyes thoughtfully swept across his pale
full body. Smiling in contentment Legolas turned, he examining his profile.
Yes, how delicious; he looked like some ancient fertility creature,
Balrog: I’ve met one
or two of them.
Sauron: Much to look
at?
Balrog: They’re
disgusting, actually. *points to Legolas* Kinda like that.
Legolas: *to Gandalf*
I thought you smote his ruin?
Gandalf: *to Legolas*
I should’ve checked his pulse.
a fascinating mix of
male and female. Legolas still had his lovely long cock
Boromir: NOW we’re
getting somewhere.
but now his grand
belly and pert breasts threw him into another realm.
Faramir: And NOW we’re
running away.
These little breasts were sooo
adorable.
Frodo: Ew. I think Gollum just vomited under my seat.
Sméagol: Sorries, Master. We be a little grossed out down here.
He was going to experience nursing his own child! How
exciting!
Boromir: Suddenly I
feel like chundering, too.
Unfortunately poor
Aragorn hated his small breasts.
Haldir: Hah. A-cup.
When they first
began developing the over- emotional Aragorn burst into hysterical tears,
Boromir: I would have
paid money to see that.
which was highly out
of character for the usually controlled King.
Arwen: Actually, it’s
really not.
Legolas had to pet and stroke his poor upset king for
hours.
Boromir: *purrs* I BET
he did.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
There is something particularly disturbing about the fact that this story still
hasn’t hit the pause button on your perversity.
No, the breasts didn't bother Legolas; he thought they were
merely part of the whole pregnancy experience. They would go away, right? Well,
he'd worry about that later.
Yes, Legolas felt extremely excited about his new
condition; each new change proved so fascinating to him. As much as Legolas
teased and blamed Aragorn for getting them into this trouble pregnancy was fun.
Galadriel: *rolls eyes*
Yeah, pregnancy’s a real barrel of laughs. Wait until he hits the
bladder-pressing, hemorrhoid-infesting, foot-swelling part.
Imagine heroes of
the Fellowship growing round with each other's babies!
Boromir: I’d rather
not, thanks.
Hilarious.
Haldir: I think so.
Imagine Saruman casting such an odd spell. Legolas
suspected the spell was a fluke; why would such an evil monster cast such a
relatively gentle spell?
Saruman: …Gentle
spell? How much worse could it get than giving you wombs and letting you knock
each other up?
Boromir: Wait a
minute. Heroes of the Fellowship? Heroes, plural? Does that mean…we ALL have
wombs now?
Saruman: *snickers*
Boromir: *to Faramir*
You are NEVER topping again.
Faramir: *to Saruman*
Somehow, someday, I am going to get you for this.
Face it, Saruman normally cast spells which led to death
and destruction, not male pregnancy!
Sauron: That’s true.
*to Saruman* This was rather out of character for you, old friend.
Saruman: What can I
say? I like to shake things up now and again.
Oh well, perhaps on the day that he set this ward Saruman
was in a placid mood.
Frodo: Placid? That’s
not the first adjective that comes to mind.
Giggling in contentment Legolas shook his head, he running
his fingers over his massive flesh.
Haldir: The novelty’s
wearing off, now.
Nine months and counting. Well, he was carrying a partially
human child so perhaps he would deliver with Aragorn.
Aragorn: Aw,
side-by-side deliveries. So cute.
Elrond: So wrong.
Gandalf: So, so wrong.
No one knew. All Legolas knew was that even though he was
growing quite round there was still something uniquely sexy about him.
Boromir: Notsomuch, actually.
He made a beautiful mother.
Arwen: This is
immensely confusing.
Secretly Legolas thought he looked even more beautiful than
before, he feeling gloriously lush and fertile.
Frodo: Oh, oh not
again…Gollum…GROSS!
Merry: *kicks Gollum
from under Frodo’s chair* Go sit under Sam’s chair.
Sam: Hey!
Frodo: Can we get a
mop, please?
And Aragorn, well, talk about intoxicating!
Boromir: Good, because
I need something strong to help me through the rest of this story.
Legolas' cock grew
hard just thinking about his perfect Aragorn.
Theoden: Here’s the
rated R bit, then.
Gandalf: We knew it
was coming.
Elrond: And yet we
were hoping so strongly she’d forgotten about it.
Oh yes, there was
something about a tall, hard, muscular strong male sporting a rotund pregnant
belly that drove Legolas into giddy delight.
Faramir: *to Legolas*
You’re never touching me again.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
When did he touch you?
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Uh…we were playing touch football.
Aragorn: Emyn Arnen
sounds rather fun these days.
Boromir: *snickers*
And, much to Legolas' dismay, Aragorn drove others giddy.
Everyone suddenly touched the new king.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
You’ve been playing touch football, too?
As they conversed with Aragorn they leaned close or
casually rested their hand on Aragorn's round belly.
Boromir: Gondor’s
really gone to hell in a hand basket.
Male or female they
all gravitated to their pregnant king. Their casual pawing made Legolas tense
with fury!
Boromir: I’ve been
tense with fury for hours now.
Luckily just one frosty glare from Legolas' piercing blue
eyes sent such sorry fondlers scurrying for safety.
Frodo: Sorry Fondlers.
Sam: That would’ve
been a good name for our band too.
Frodo: Too late. The
“Vicious Thud” shirts just came back from the printer today.
Of course manly Aragorn couldn't understand why people flocked
to him. He was such a humble dear.
Haldir: Except for
when he’s going on about his royal soul, blah blah.
An egotist would encourage the attention but instead
Aragorn encouraged Legolas to chase those bothersome people away from him. Most
humans were still leery of an Elf,
Haldir: …even a fat,
pregnant elf whose arms were too flabby to fire a bow and who couldn’t run
without his belly slapping his thighs.
Legolas: *snarls*
especially a tall, potent
Boromir: Potent?
Aragorn: Well, he DID
get me pregnant…
pregnant Elf with
the skill to scare with a glare.
Haldir: He’s been
glaring at me since we started and I’m not scared.
Legolas always
thanked dear Elrond for teaching him that fine skill.
Elrond: Listen, don’t
drag me into this!
Still gazing over his image Legolas heard the outer door
open. Oh quick, don't let Aragorn catch you admiring yourself!
Faramir: He’s never
seen Legolas admire himself before! Nosiree!
That always led to
relentless teasing.
Haldir: Well, at least
we know he’s used this kind of abuse by now.
Waddling to a chair before the gently glowing fireplace
Legolas sat, he trying to look casual.
Aragorn entered the bedroom, he grinning over at Legolas.
"Please, darling, that "look at me relaxing" sham doesn't work
with me. I know you were up here admiring yourself."
Arwen: God, they’re
lame.
Aragorn: *to Arwen*
PMS, or what?
Laughing Legolas slowly ran his hands over his naked belly.
"And why shouldn't I admire myself?"
"Ha, I fully agree; you are stunning. Now before we
enjoy this snack let's sit on the floor."
Boromir: Uh…
Faramir: I’m
frightened of where this is going.
Pippin: *to Faramir*
Hold me?
Boromir: *to Pippin* C’mere, little one.
Pippin: *settles in* Ahh, a “sons of Gondor” sandwich.
Legolas cocked his head, he wincing in distress. "Oh
my lover, I hate getting up and down from the floor!"
As Aragorn removed his light black robe he shook his head.
"Well darling, since I am here I can still help you so come now, my
beauty, let's cuddle down here. If you don't listen to me no special treats for
you."
Boromir: Take THAT!
Legolas: *eyeing
Aragorn’s belly* I’m fine without the special treats. Really. It’s okay.
Legolas' wide eyes fixed on the brown baskets that Aragorn
had placed by the bed's foot. "Ohhh. What's in there?"
Tossing his robe on a chair Aragorn winked in coy teasing.
"Get on the floor, my lover, and I'll let you see."
Faramir: No no no. Please, no.
As Aragorn placed cushions against the bed's foot Legolas slowly
eased himself to the floor, he arranging the cushions.
Aragorn moved the baskets closer, he holding up his strong
right hand. "No peeking." Turning to the sitting room Aragorn swiftly
returned, two more baskets clutched in his large hands.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
How many baskets can you manage at once?
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
I have many skills.
Gazing longingly at the wicker baskets
Haldir: Legolas has
hit a new level of kinkiness.
Legolas almost began
salivating. "Mmm, my lover, you found something
extra lovely."
Aragorn pulled the baskets closer to the cushions. "Of
course I did. I wanted to enjoy a little fun with my favorite pregnant
Elf." Laughing softly Aragorn smacked Legolas' long fingers away from
opening the one basket. "Oh no, my lovely Elf. You cannot peek. Now here,
let me adjust the cushions. Make yourself comfortable."
Boromir: How much
adjusting do these fucking cushions need?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
You’re testy.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I
can’t help it. Finally we get a rated “R” story and it’s sex I’ve absolutely no
interest in watching.
Padding and prodding
Aragorn helped Legolas settle back against the feather- filled cushions.
"There you are, sprawled out like a proper pregnant prince. Now before I
feed you the main rule is you can't look at me."
Haldir: *as Aragorn*
Don’t look at me, I’m hideous!
Gasping in confusion Legolas cocked his head
Frodo: *to Legolas* Do
you have a stiff neck, or something?
toward his lover.
"What?"
Holding up his large right hand
Aragorn: Why does she
keep going on about the size of my hands?
Legolas: *licks his
lips* They’re worth going on about.
Arwen: Stop. Just stop.
Aragorn shook his
head. "We have rules for this eating game. You can't peek at me. Make like
you are sleeping or I won't open these baskets."
Legolas whimpered in profound annoyance. "Aragornnnn."
Sauron: He kinda
sounds like me.
"Legolassss."
Gollum: And it kinda
sounds like us.
"Oh all right." Relaxing back Legolas unfocused
his gaze. This was maddening!
Boromir: I concur.
This IS maddening.
Grinning in delight Aragorn opened the largest basket, he
unsealing a crock filled with brandy-infused white cherries.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
I see the fare in Minas Tirith has greatly improved since my father’s rule.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
One can only eat so much chicken and cherry tomatoes.
Holding one up he
pressed the round globe to Legolas' lips. Legolas' pink tongue flicked out, he
sucking in the treat. "Mmmmm oh I love these
sweets! My precious king, you broke into the royal food closet!"
Haldir: He’s the KING,
dipshit. It’s his closet.
"That's right. Only the best for my beautiful mate
tonight. Why save such treats for boring old guests?
Éomer: A regular old Martha
Stewart.
Aragorn: *to Éomer*
I’m pregnant, cut me a break.
I know how much you enjoy these specialties."
Legolas almost panted in delirious excitement. "My
love, you are my true hero."
Legolas: WTF? It’s
only a midnight snack. It’s not like he’s just finished vanquishing Sauron.
Frodo: Hey, I did
that.
Gollum: Actually, we dids that, precious.
"Glad to hear it, my darling Elf. Now open wide
again."
Boromir: “Open wide”
is one of my best lines.
Faramir: My brother
sucks at sweet talk.
A chocolate covered
raspberry followed. Tiny orange slices preserves in ginger honey. Exotic black
button mushrooms pickled in garlic and wine. A cracker spread with rare sea
scallop pate. Roasted red pepper puree. Black olives stuffed with shrimp.
Truffle paste. Crab pate spiced with dill.
Merry: Since when does
any of this shit exist in Middle Earth?
Sam: I think I hear
Gollum wretching again.
As he moaned in delight Legolas' heavy body positively
quivered with joy. "My Aragorn, have I told you how much I love you?"
"Yes, but it's good to hear it again. Open up."
Boromir: OPEN UP,
BITCH!
Faramir: Ah, fond
memories.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
You two give a whole new meaning to “dysfunctional family,” you know that?
Legolas parted his full ripe lips. Aragorn inserted another
savory bite.
The decadent feeding went on. And on. And on.
Frodo: And on, and on…
Merry: And on and on
and on.
Legolas: Just one bite
of lembas. That’s all it would have taken.
Aragorn couldn't believe how much Legolas could consume. He
really shouldn't indulge Legolas but look, his Elf was having fun eating these
exotic tidbits. Frankly Aragorn found feeling Legolas extremely sexual.
Boromir: I find
feeling Legolas extremely sexual, too.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
How would you know?
Boromir: Uh…I’m
training under Gandalf as an OB/GYN?
Legolas laid there in a delicious food-induced trance, he
opening his lush lips and swallowing. Gods, so good, so satisfying!
Haldir: *to Aragorn*
You two have the most boring sex life in Arda.
Soon the food was delivered via deep wet kisses. Legolas
thought that was wonderful, since eating his treats from Aragorn's lips
imparted a special sexiness to their ritual.
Boromir: *yawns*
Pates and exotic spreads food appeared on Aragorn's strong
finger. Moaning in delight Legolas slowly licked Aragorn's flesh clean.
Legolas sensed Aragorn standing up. Suddenly the sea
scallop pate wasn't on a cracker but...
Faramir: OH MY GOD…
Sméagol: *covering
ears* I’m not listening! Not listening!
as he carefully
nibbled Legolas laughed in wicked delight. Mmmm,
someone's warm hard cock tasted so much better than a cracker!
Faramir: OH MY GOD…
Pippin: *shaking like
a leaf*
Legolas sucked and
pulled, he reaching up, his long fingers gripping Aragorn's hips. To Legolas'
delight Aragorn's heavy belly bumped the top of his head. How divinely sexy!
Faramir: OH MY…
Elrond: Slap him,
Boromir, his needle’s stuck in a groove.
Loosing all control Aragorn released in a long low groan,
he amazed at how rubbing his heavy belly against Legolas' smooth silken crown
made him come all the faster.
Aragorn: That’s IT?
That’s how fast I shoot my wad?
Boromir: Art imitating
reality?
Aragorn: *glares*
Releasing Aragorn's spent cock Legolas caught his breath.
"Darling?"
"Yes, my love?"
"It's my turn now."
"And what do you want to do?"
Boromir: Please don’t
tell us.
Haldir: You know it’s
bad when Boromir’s turning down porn.
"Well, I originally wanted to recreate the event that
got you into trouble but you've shoved so much food into me I can't move.
"
"Ha! You discovered my wicked plan; I knew you wanted
to rape me
All: …
Aragorn: Let me get
this straight. *to Legolas* Not only did you knock me up, but you RAPED ME to
get me that way?
Legolas: I couldn’t
help it! Frodo wouldn’t play!
so instead I filled you with food."
Laughing fondly Legolas shook his head. "You are
wicked to me.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
I’M wicked to YOU? RAPE, MUCH?
Legolas: Aragorn, calm
down! It’s just a story!
Gandalf: The
management knew precisely what they were doing with this…
Elrond: It’s like
watching a slow motion train wreck.
Arwen: Riveting,
really.
That's why I love you so much." Stretching out his
satisfied body Legolas peered at the baskets. He turned his wide pleading gaze
Haldir: Even his gaze
is wide. It feels a bit like beating a dead horse…
back up to his lover. "Since ravishment is out of the
question could you feed me more?"
Merry: He eats like a
hobbit!
Pippin: I bags the
refreshment table!
Merry: Not that again…
Trying to look stern Aragorn shook his head.
"Legolas..."
Legolas mouthed the wettest, ripest kiss in Middle Earth's
history
Galadriel: Ugh.
Celeborn: Legolas is
single-handedly setting the race of elves back thousands of years.
up toward his
stubborn lover. "Arrraggornnn."
Sauron: Are we
entirely sure I’ve not possessed him?
Please, how could Aragorn resist?
Aragorn: *grouches*
Easily.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Please, babycakes. Let’s not fight. It’s only make
believe!
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
You can’t let it get under your skin. I should know. You all spent the last
three stories mercilessly tearing into me, and I bounced back!
Aragorn: *sniffles*
Alright. I’m sorry. *to Legolas* Guess I got a little carried away, numnums. I’m feeling oddly emotional today. Don’t know
what’s come over me.
Boromir: Saruman…you
didn’t actually…
Saruman: *taps the
side of his nose*
Elrond: I have a
nagging feeling that this story was jest.
Gandalf: You mean, you
think it was all a joke?
Elrond: The more I
think about it, the more it makes sense. All those fat references. All that
waddling. The ridiculous number of pates from impossibly small creatures.
Gandalf: It’s possible
the author just has a thing against fat people, doesn’t own a thesaurus, and
has no idea what pate actually is.
Elrond: Possible. But
I prefer to think this was intentionally ridiculous.
Gandalf: Why?
Elrond: Because if it was
serious, then this chick is roaming the earth freely.
Gandalf: But if we’ve
just snarked at a snarky story, does that set off an
infinite snark loop that will eventually cause the
universe to implode?
Elrond: Probably. But
what the fuck do we care? We’re only make believe, too.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Are you still forbidding me from touching you? *puppy eyes*
Boromir: *to Faramir*
…I guess not.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Are you still forbidding me from topping you? *puppy eyes*
Boromir: *to Faramir,
shyly* …I guess not.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Wanna go back to the
Boromir: *to Faramir*
You know, I’ve had a craving for that ever since Legolas mentioned it…
Saruman: *taps the
side of his nose*
Frodo: That was wholly
awful. I don’t even have an appetite for refreshments.
Merry: Me neither.
Sam: Nor me.
Pippin: *gnawing on
éclair* More for me!
Haldir: Ah, well. On
the whole, that was a fantastic way to spend a day.
Galadriel: *to Haldir*
Buy you a mojito on the way home?
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
Would I ever turn down a mojito?
Celeborn: *to Haldir*
Not unless someone offered you a mimosa instead.
Arwen: I’m going to
put on a pair of Elessar’s trousers and go to a manly bar for a manly drink and
a manly pipe. After all that misplaced estrogen I need a testosterone fix.
Éowyn: *to Arwen* Want
company? I know the perfect place in Minas Tirith. Lower level stuff, real
rough n’ tumble. I’m there every chance I can get.
Arwen: *to Éowyn * In
Faramir’s trousers?
Éowyn: *to Arwen* Do
you think I’d go anywhere near Faramir’s trousers?
Arwen: *to Éowyn*
Depends. Are we supposing he’s in them, or what?
Sauron: Well, Saruman,
I must congratulate you. That “insert womb here” spell was devious beyond even my
darkest imaginings.
Saruman: *to Sauron,
modestly* Just a fluke, really. I’ve you to thank. Without your shadow looming
over Arda they wouldn’t have been fucking like it was the end of the world.
Sauron: *to Saruman*
Actually, I think they’ve always fucked like that. I just gave them an excuse
to do it on an extended camping trip, in front of a handful of horrified
hobbits.
Saruman: *to Sauron* I
saw them in the palantir. They weren’t all that horrified.
Elrond: Wait. Where’s
Glorfindel?
Arwen: Oh, he’s curled
up in the fetal position under Frodo’s chair. I think the story might have been
a tad too much for him.
Elrond: I really,
really hope he crawled down there AFTER Frodo got the mop.
Gríma: Well, folks,
it’s been real.
Theoden: Until next we
meet. Hopefully the circumstances will not involve “mpreg.”
Éomer: But I’ll be bringing my iPod and noise-cancelling headphones, just in case.