LotR / Van Helsing crossover
MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What
follows here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and
sometimes just plain mean MST. Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com)
and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my
humble offering in homage.
It also helps if you have seen
“Van Helsing,” seen the extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy,
listened to the commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing
familiarity of the LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then
you’ll recognize a couple of the character traits portrayed here.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote
this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do
love them—especially Faramir—else I’d not be lampooning David Wenham slash…)
and for the author, “Me, Jen.” I have no idea who “Me,
Jen” is, but kudos to you, girl (or boy). Never, ever stop writing. I mean that
seriously.
As with the
last story, I must add the warning that there appears to be some anti-Catholic,
anti-religion, and/or anti-God sentiment in this MST. I feel none of these things. They’re just, you know,
funny.
And away we go…
Gandalf: All present
and assembled in order of height, smallest to tallest, King Elessar. *bows*
Aragorn: Listen up,
soldiers! We have come here today with a singular purpose: to fulfill our
contractual obligation to comment on yet another fan fic. I have ordered you to
be organized in such a fashion because it was said that our last two efforts
degenerated into chaos.
Gandalf: A complaint was
also anonymously launched that stated, and I quote: “It’s
Denethor’s boys—they’re out of control, I tell you.”
Boromir: It’s not OUR
fault everybody has something to say about this rubbish. Anyway, Celeborn was right—we’re
out of work and this is the only gig in Arda.
Faramir: And everybody
knows Aragorn’s just pissy because Legolas ditched
their dinner date to spend a little “quality time” with Gríma…
Legolas: Those rumors
are greatly exaggerated.
Haldir: Except in the
sense that they’re completely true.
Aragorn: It’s
happening again! *stomps foot* This is precisely what
I intend to avoid. I am implementing a system whereby speech is not permitted unless the speaker holds this talking stick. *brandishes a
twig*
Faramir: *to Legolas*
Dude, what have you done to him?
Arwen: *to Faramir* You think this is bad? He spent two weeks moping about in
his y-fronts.
Boromir: *to Arwen*
…the same pair?
Merry: *to Legolas*
Will you just apologize so we can get through this without having to wave a
magic wand every time we want to talk?
Legolas: *clears his
throat* Aragorn, pumpkin, please forgive me. It was wrong of me to run off with
Gríma like that. I really did have the best of intentions…
Gríma: And to be fair,
nothing happened.
Gimli: Gríma couldn’t
get it up.
Legolas: Shut it, you
two. *to Aragorn* As I was saying. I did have the best
of intentions. I thought he might have a trick or two I could use on you. His
nickname does end in “tongue,” after all. I did it for you, baby. *purrs* I did
it for us.
Aragorn: *swoons* Oh,
Leggy. I love you!
Legolas: And I love
you, my little mortal. Now put down the stick and let’s get to work.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I bet that’s the first time the princeling’s asked
our king to let go of his wood.
Aragorn: This time I
came prepared with duct tape, Boromir.
Gríma: Kinky. Say,
Aragorn, you wouldn’t happen to be free tonight…?
Faramir: Here we are,
yet again, poised to attack another story about me.
Arwen: And yet, not
about him.
Faramir: It’s me in
disguise as a friar named “Carl,” who’s just been on a rather large adventure
with a rugged, unwashed manly man called “Van Helsing.”
Frodo: So prepare
yourself for a magical time. Follow as we lead you on this wondrous journey!
Galadriel: *to Frodo* You’re not serious, are you?
Frodo: I just thought
if I made it sound convincing the management would let us out early.
Pippin: Rosie’s doing
a burlesque at The Prancing Pony tonight.
Merry: And more importantly,
if we don’t split on time, we’ll miss happy hour.
Faramir: Can we start?
This one’s three parts!
Éomer: And rated PG.
Boromir: Which is SO unfair.
Faramir: *to Boromir* You’ll survive. You’re oversexed as it is.
Boromir: *to Faramir* And whose fault is that?
All: *point to
Legolas*
Aragorn: Fuck it. I’m
hitting the hard stuff now.
Gandalf: Now come the
days of “Deliverance.”
Éowyn: May they end
swiftly and violently.
Title: Deliverance 1/?
Pippin:
?
Merry:
?
Sam: I hate fractions.
Author: Me, Jen
All: *polite applause*
Rating: *shrug* I suppose PG
Boromir: I give it two
thumbs down already.
Summary: Almost directly after their adventure, there are
strong, unresolved issues that Carl feels must be brought forward.
Warnings: *shiver* Mentions of Het
between Anna and Gabriel . . . just ignore those, they aren't important.
Legolas: We were
planning on ignoring them anyway. But permission makes it guilt-free!
Authors Note: This was posted on FFN, and someone reviewed it,
by the name of Marylou and asked me to post here. Because FFN is evil and she
was so nice, here it is. Fixed the few mistakes that were in
it. Tell me if you catch any more.
Gollum: We wills, my precious. Oh yes, we wills.
Deliverance:
Faramir: Cue dueling
banjos.
Haldir: *to Faramir* Which would be oddly appropriate for a story about you and
Boromir.
Faramir: We haven’t
found one of those, yet.
Legolas: It’s only a
matter of time, really.
The
Merry: Usually it was
a 24/7 disco.
Gabriel Van Helsing observed. He took the steps two at a
time,
Frodo: …being far too
manly for just one…
forgetful of his much shorter companion that dragged
behind.
Sam: Hey, he’s hanging
with a hobbit!
Boromir: No, it’s just
Faramir. He’s a little one in these stories.
Legolas: He’s quite
tall. He just has a hunchback.
Faramir: Quiet. I’m
trying to read.
He could think nothing of the next case he would face, or
perhaps even resting.
Pippin: I’m confused.
Merry: For once you’re
not alone in that, Pip.
He was completely taken with depression.
Elrond: We elves have
a cure for that.
Arwen: Ye Olde Zolofte.
Elrond: Our stock went
through the roof when it looked like Sauron might win the war.
He had lost the last heir to the Valerious
family.
Boromir: Thank God.
He had lost her by his own doing.
Boromir: Somebody give
this man a medal!
Carl, the Friar
Faramir: For the
record, I don’t require “friar” to be capitalized. You needn’t bestow upon me
any special titles.
Boromir: We weren’t
planning on it.
Aragorn: …Captain
Faramir, Steward of Gondor, Prince of Ithilien, and Lord of Emyn Arnen.
Boromir: Okay then. I
wasn’t planning on it.
said nothing of his friend’s rough and now often brash
actions. He needn’t look hard to find the sorrow and self hatred the dark
haired man carried.
Galadriel: He would
have had much more fun as a blonde.
Carl himself felt this way when he began to dwell on the
thought too long.
Théoden: Which
thought?
Merry: <Insert
thought here.>
He wanted to be happy and knew that Anna had found her way
to her family. That she was truly at peace. He forced himself to believe there
was naught he could have done.
Things happened for a reason, he thought logically.
Frodo: Nobody could
argue with that logic!
Merry: Nosiree.
Elrond: But if someone
tried, it’d happen for a reason.
Yes, the blood line would run dry with Anna’s death,
Éowyn: Spares us the
need for eugenics.
but they would never be forgotten. The people of
Aragorn: Was she a
transsexual?
Legolas: Ah, we will
never get over the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” references.
Aragorn: Not if we’re
lucky.
No, there wasn’t a chance she could be forgotten. History
would not permit that.
Faramir: Nor would
Boromir.
Boromir: I believe in
making an example.
Besides, Carl had urgent and far more pressing matter to
attend to.
Pippin: …in his pants.
Merry: Peregrin Took,
I’m shocked!
Pippin: What? Faffy from
Hardbottle said it’s a game. You stick it on the end of fortunes from fortune
cookies.
Merry: That’s “…in
bed,” Pip.
Pippin: Then what’s
“in his pants?”
Boromir: *to Pippin*
Want me to show you?
The order would not be pleased with him, for he had gone
against their wishes. They had ordered him to have Gabriel destroy the
Frankenstein monster.
Arwen: Dracula,
Frankenstein, and werewolves?
Faramir: They ran out
of time to brainstorm original monsters.
They feared for the safety of people of riots began over
him.
Sam: This sentence
makes my brain hurt.
But instead, Carl found his own heart would not permit the
destruction, and in this moment of weakness, he had also neglected to mention
Gabriel’s infection—which surely they knew of by now.
Aragorn: As his
Chlamydia was spreading through
Confession. Yes, confession was the first on his list. Then
he would then attempt to comfort his friend, whom he was sure wanted nothing of
the sort. At least he would not attempt it at the moment. Who knew what the
night would bring.
Boromir: *growls
sexily* Who knew, indeed.
Faramir: You do
remember this is just a PG story, right?
Boromir: A man can
dream, can’t he?
But Carl understood what type of a man Gabriel Van Helsing
was, not from his friend’s lack of evasion.
Frodo: Er…
Elrond: But Carl
understood what type of a man Gabriel Van Helsing was, not from his author’s
grasp of grammar.
He knew quite plainly the burden that weighed upon strong,
but breakable shoulders.
Arwen: Strong, but
breakable.
Faramir: Sounds like a
folk song.
Sauron: I will
personally beat to death the person who writes that song. With his or her own
guitar.
Gandalf: Using what,
your pupil?
Sauron: *glares*
He put up a strong exterior because he hurt deeply on the
inside. Carl found that many great men dealt with their pain along these ways.
Arwen: Along these
ways, but not in these ways.
Pippin: Inns along the
way.
Merry: It frightens me
when Pippin makes more coherent statements than these writers.
Every time murder met his ears,
Théoden: Like my ear
at Helm’s Deep.
Gamling: Friendly
fire.
Théoden: It’s okay,
Gamling. I still love you. *kiss kiss*
Gabriel faltered just a bit,
Faramir: Who could
blame him? He’s probably distracted with trying to figure out how murder meets
his ears.
and Carl believed it was even worse when they called him
hero.
Aragorn: *sings* “I, I
will be king.” *to Legolas* “And you, you will be queen.”
Legolas: *sings*
“Though nothing will drive them away.”
Treebeard: Drive whom
away?
Legolas: These fics.
Carl wasn’t sure if Gabriel loved Anna and part of him grew
dark with jealously that he flung away almost immediately.
Boromir: …and knocked
the Pope flat out.
He was a Friar, and he had no place for such feelings.
Frodo: But he did have
place for a capital “F.”
Gabriel was his friend, as was Anna, and he tarnished the
both of them by harboring such thoughts.
Yes, confession would be lengthy upon this night.
Elrond: Please, please
don’t let the confession be in this story.
Arwen: And this is
only part one.
Elrond: Aragorn, pass
that bottle?
And indeed, after many hours and a few passed tears he set
aside past events and made the long journey up many flights of stairs.
Haldir: Vertical
Frodo: *to Sam* The
new name for our metal band.
Sam: Totally.
He paused in front of the wooden door, not afraid, or
intimidated, merely composing himself for the long talk ahead. Convincing
Gabriel Van Helsing of anything he did not want to believe was bound to be
difficult. And convincing him Anna’s death had not been his fault, but the
werewolf instead, would be nearly impossible.
Faramir: Because
Boromir keeps lauding him for her murder.
Boromir: So what if I
like to congratulate a job well done?
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
What do you have against this chick, anyway?
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
Her unnecessary cleavage and ridiculous heeled boots.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
Jealous she has a better stylist?
Boromir: *to Legolas*
Go hot oil your hair, pretty boy.
"Van Helsing? Gabriel?" Carl knocked soundly on
the door, finding it safer to call his surname first. "Is it alright if I
am to come in?"
Frodo: Is it alright
if I am to restructure this sentence?
Elrond: Is it alright
if I am to club this sentence to death?
Upon receiving no answer he hesitated, then pushed forward,
determined to speak to the stubborn man that very evening.
Arwen: After all, he’d
already climbed all those stairs.
Saruman: Pshaw. I
climbed way more stairs than that every time I wanted to talk to Gandalf, when
he was enjoying a holiday atop Orthanc. Carl’s a lightweight.
Théoden: To be fair,
he does have that hunchback.
Faramir: I do NOT have
a hunchback, okay? I just look smaller because I’m trying to disappear into my
robes out of embarrassment from being seen with Van Helsing and an array of
plagiarized monsters. And if this breastplate had a bigger hole at the neck,
I’d be trying the same trick right now.
"Why do you persistently pester me, Carl? Can you not
grant me a small amount of peace?"
Boromir: Rip off!!!
Faramir: What?
Boromir: “One moment
of peace, can he not give us that?” Ring a bell? In Osgiliath?
Faramir: It rings a
bell, bro, but it’s nothing like what she wrote.
Boromir: This is
clearly a derivative.
Faramir: You’re just
looking to stir shit up, aren’t you?
Boromir: It’s a PG
story. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?
Carl looked upon his friend, standing near a grand window,
stone face in place.
Frodo: Why does he
need a stone face?
Merry: Has he been hit
with acid and become the Phantom of the Opera?
Arwen: Another
plagiarized monster.
Merry: Gabriel and his
merry band of somebody else’s monsters.
Arwen: Featuring
Faramir as the lovable hunchbacked friar, Carl.
Faramir: FOAD.
"Well someone
had to come dig you out of the hole, and lucky me, I picked the short
straw."
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I’d have thought you’d be used to having a short straw, by now.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Need I point out my straw is exactly the same length as yours?
Legolas: Hahaha. *to
Boromir* Idiot.
Both knew his façade was fake,
Elrond: No, really?
Gandalf: Not only
fake, but redundant.
Celeborn: That must be
the worst-designed façade in the history of architecture.
but neither said a word of it.
Aragorn: Because
neither could find a way to make it work in Scrabble.
Arwen: Perhaps they
said nothing of it because they were playing Pictionary.
Aragorn: Or Charades.
Boromir: What’s with
the board games?
Aragorn: We’ve
instituted a family game night in the
Boromir: THAT is what
you’ve been doing with your rule?
Aragorn: You think of
something else to do now that Sauron’s gone and everybody’s
sharing in the days of peace.
Boromir: Wet t-shirt
contests and orgies.
Aragorn: I can see
where things would’ve gone if you’d become Steward.
Boromir: The whole
city, one big red-light district.
Carl instead moved to the basin and poured fresh, cool
water, playing the part of servant.
Legolas: *to Faramir*
Is this the part of the story when he makes you put on the French Maid’s
costume?
Boromir: I hope so.
*to Faramir* I’ve got something I need you to wax, bitch.
Faramir: *whines*
Éowyn, they’re being really really mean to me.
Éowyn: So? I’m really really mean to you all the time.
Faramir: Good point.
He ignored this, remembering while he was a Friar, he was
also a friend. "Honestly, you must take better care of yourself. Mustn’t
become sick."
Gollum: Master should
be resting. Master needs to keep up his strength.
"Perhaps if I were to become sick God would take my
life and the devil my soul. At least then redemption would come and I could
pass in peace."
Galadriel: Get on with
it, let’s go. Let’s see some sickness and slow death. What’s the matter,
Gabriel, don’t have the cojones?
Celeborn: You must
excuse my beautiful Lady of Light. She’s still rather cross because Gamling
used up all the clay mask.
Galadriel: I showed
him some pretty choice tidbits in the mirror for that.
Gamling: *twitches*
The Friar rolled his eyes. "Come off it, and come wash
yourself.
Boromir: This is new.
You telling him to take a bath.
Faramir: Compared with
the first story, it is indeed a novel idea.
You aren’t fooling anyone with the smell you’re giving off.
Smelled it all the way down in confession, I did."
Boromir: Gabriel’s
been at the whores again.
Merry: Gabriel’s been
at the barnyard animals again.
Boromir: That’s more Éomer’s area of expertise.
Pippin: So Gabriel
smells of Éomer?
Merry: Nevermind, Pip.
"I cared for her."
Arwen: Doesn’t the
romance just give you little butterflies in your stomach?
Éowyn: Or surging
waves of nausea.
Carl sighed, biting back tears that should not have made
their way to the surface. "I know this Gabriel. And she loved you in
return. But God works in ways we cannot understand.
Aragorn: God works in het ways we cannot understand.
Legolas: This must’ve
been one of those parts she told us to ignore.
Elrond: In that case,
I’m going out for a coffee.
Pippin: I’m going to
take a nap.
Merry: Me too. Wake us
when it gets good. Or when it’s over. Whichever comes first.
He ultimately knows what is best for us, and we must walk
in faith.
Éomer: *sings* “Walk
this waaaaay! Talk this way.”
Arwen: Hey…that sounds
familiar.
Anna did not die in vain, nor did you murder her."
Faramir: He didn’t?
Who did?
Boromir: *sings* “Who
was that man? I’d like to shake his hand.”
"You were there Carl, do not doubt my words. I drove her
forward, and in the end held her back.
Gandalf: So, to be
succinct, she stayed put.
Her death lays upon my hands and her blood upon my heart
for the rest of my life. I will find neither solace nor peace before
death."
Galadriel: This guy
whines way too much. We’re going to have to arrange for a far quicker ending
than some silly old sickness.
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
The usual, my Lady?
Galadriel: Indeed, marchwarden.
Haldir: *into his
mobile* Yeah, I’m gonna need a toothpick, a rubber band, and the frogs with
night-vision goggles ready for me when I return.
Lightening flash reflexes
Sam: Flash Gordon?
that had saved Van Helping’s life many times before, were
not nearly fast enough to block the soft shoe of an angry Friar.
Boromir: Hey! That
took me by surprise. Well done, bro!
Faramir: *chuffed* I
was at one with that weapon by the time the weeks of shoe-chucking training
were over.
Elrond: It’s also a
little known secret that throwing a shoe at a depressed and/or suicidal person
is an instant cure for mental illness. Shhh. Keep it
on the QT. We don’t want it to leak or our stock will totally tank.
He turned after the blunt object struck the back of his
head in anger,
Boromir: Hahaha. I
have never been prouder of you, Faramir.
Faramir: Thank you, Boromir.
That means a lot. A great deal more than you know. *takes Boromir’s hand*
Boromir: Alright,
alright, don’t get all gooey on me. Least not in front of people.
but upon seeing the face of a dear friend, his features
took on a sorrowful appearance.
Frodo: *as Van
Helsing* Damn, it’s YOU again.
Merry: *as Van
Helsing* I’m overwhelmingly disappointed.
Carl was crying.
Faramir: *cringes* Oh,
no, not this again.
Galadriel: We bought
boxes of tissues, just in case this one turned out like the last one.
His short, but brave friend, who always complained about
the task
Boromir: Hah, that’s
spot on.
Faramir: Shut up. I’ve
never once complained. Not even when I knew I was sending myself to certain
death.
Boromir: Couldn’t have
been that certain. You’re alive.
Faramir: Everybody
knows you’re the whinger in the family. *as Boromir*
I don’t want to go to Rivendell, Daddy. I want to stay here and party with my
people, Daddy. The One Ring shouldn’t come to Gondor, Daddy.
Boromir: That last one
was yours.
Faramir: Oh, so it
was.
but never backed out of it was crying. Carl who had never
let him down and the same man whose inventions had saved him countless times
was crying.
Elrond: Yes, we are
all reeling from the shock of Carl crying.
Faramir: It could be
shocking. It’s the first time I’ve done it in THIS story.
Elrond: There must be
a common thread somewhere. Does the movie make you out like a weeping fairy
cake?
Faramir: No.
Boromir: Well, not the
weeping part.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Get stuffed.
Neither at the death of his fellow Friars or the death of
Anna had he cried. Yet now he allowed the wet tears to dampen his face.
Frodo: Sure they were
wet tears dampening his face?
Éomer: Dry tears are
very difficult to work with.
Why was this so?
"Yes, Gabriel, you have the right to morn her, as we
all do. She was a strong, beautiful and courageous woman who fought until the
very end to save you.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Why?
Gríma: A just
question.
We all miss her dearly,
Merry: Uh, no we
don’t.
Aragorn: Show of
hands, who misses her dearly?
Legolas: Glorfindel,
put your hand down.
but most of us accept that she has found peace. She is with
her father and mother and brother, and you cannot take that from her."
Carl made a trip around the room
Boromir: Tripping and
falling is the funniest thing a body can do.
Faramir: You try
walking in those robes.
to retrieve his shoe.
Frodo: Aha! Armed
again!
Faramir: Watch out, beeyotches.
"What you fail to see, my friend, the left hand of God,
is that there are those here who still care for you. We do not care to see you
waste away into nothing. And I most certainly will not stand for it.
Aragorn: Will you sit
down for it?
Faramir: Only if
someone makes popcorn.
Many times have you saved innocent lives, and it is not the
method that matters. God would not approve and God would not will it, if you
were not correct."
Boromir: Know what’s
interesting? I’ve never once heard you talking about the will of God.
Faramir: Know what’s
interesting? I’m not ACTUALLY a friar!
"Anna was innocent. What of that, my friend? What of
the woman I killed?"
Éowyn: At this point,
I’d say she’s a lucky bitch.
Carl raised his shoe again, threatening to hurl it once
more if necessary.
Aragorn: *riotous
laughter* Fantastic!
Legolas: *to Elrond*
Bet you feel silly for going through all that trouble with the shards of Narsil, eh?
Elrond: Who knew shoes
were such a powerhouse?
Pippin: Hobbits don’t
wear shoes.
Merry: We clocked
that, Pippin.
"What is so terribly hard to understand? Do you not
understand the words that come from my mouth?
Arwen: We would
understand the words that come from your mouth if you spoke proper English.
Faramir: I can’t
control how I’m written!
Galadriel: Thank
heavens Tolkien got to us first.
God would not allow it if it were not predestined. Anna
gave her life so you could continue to save others. She made her choice, and it
was a selfless, pure choice. Now it is time for you to make a choice."
Boromir: Top, or
bottom?
"You speak of those who care for me, dare I say love
me?
Sam: Go on, say it.
Frodo: I dare you.
How is this possible, Friar? I am Gabriel Van Helsing. I
murder and steal. I am but a ghost to the world.
Haldir: It’s cool,
man. Half of us here are, too.
Few know of me, and even fewer of my plights. So speak!
Tell me, whom I should carry on for. Who will wait for me?"
In the last minute of desperation, Carl threw down his shoe
and flew swiftly to the door.
Arwen: …hobbling, as
the stiletto heel of his other shoe made one leg significantly longer than the
other.
Frodo: The Flying
Friar.
Aragorn: Sally Field
was second choice for the role if Faramir fell through.
"It is I who loves you, Gabriel. It is I would worries
for you,
Gollum: She be writings
like us now, my precious, my love.
Sméagol: It is I would
worries for you, precious, yes.
and prays for you. I see your battle with inner demons and
I who aids you
Frodo: Sméagol, did
you steal her quill and write this bit yourself?
Sméagol: No, not
Sméagol. Sméagol wouldn’t writes a story this bads.
Sam: I hate to admit
it Mr. Frodo, but he’s right.
with those outside. I would stand by your side until the
end, and I would care little of myself, to see you happy. I defy God for
you!"
Boromir: Take THAT,
God!
Faramir: Just because
we live in Middle Earth doesn’t mean you’re safe from a good old-fashioned
smiting.
Boromir: He has no
jurisdiction here.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: But I do.
Legolas: Haha, he’s
got you there, Boromir!
Carl was then gone, and Gabriel alone. As it was intended,
as it would be for a very long time if something was not done.
Bilbo: He needs a
holiday. A very long holiday, and he doesn’t expect he shall return. In fact,
he means not to.
Gandalf: Happy now
that you’ve gotten to say something, dear friend?
Bilbo: Considerably
moreso, yes. Denethor’s boys are…
Faramir: *to Bilbo*
You mean it was YOU?
Boromir: *to Bilbo*
You are so going down, wrinkled little man.
. . . TBC . . . maybe . . .
Elrond: …or maybe not?
*hopeful*
Arwen: Don’t get your
hopes up, Adar.
Aragorn: The “maybe”
turned to “definitely” for two more installments.
Saruman: Fucking
contract.
Gandalf: Shall we take
a break? Say…5 minutes for coffee, the loo, etc.?
Pippin: I bags the
refreshment table.
Merry: No you don’t,
Pip.
…30 minutes later…
Faramir: Fuck’s sake,
I thought it was supposed to be a 5 minute break?
Aragorn: Pippin and
Merry had a fist fight over whether or not Pippin had rightful claim to an
entire basket of apples on the refreshment table.
Legolas: What is it
with hobbits and apples?
Aragorn: I only saw
the value in using apples to hit hobbits upside the head.
Legolas: I remember
that game.
Aragorn: Good times.
Gandalf: Now that we
have all returned and Merry and Pippin have been seated on opposite ends of the
room, we may continue. Let us begin.
Deliverance 2/?
Frodo: I already
finished my math homework, Ma. I swear!
Summary: Almost directly after their adventure, there are
strong, unresolved issues that Carl feels must be brought forward.
Warnings: *shiver* Mentions of Het
between Anna and Gabriel . . . just ignore those, they aren't important.
Legolas: Duly noted,
once more.
Rating: Pg-13? Maybe R in the Future
Boromir: We’re
steering it in the right direction! PG-13! With a possibility of R!
Arwen: I really hope
this doesn’t end in crushing disappointment for you, Boromir.
After the first day Carl stopped counting.
Merry: …beans.
Frodo: …heads.
Pippin: …apples.
Merry: Pippin…
Gandalf: Don’t make me
get out my staff…
Boromir: Hahaha. Dirty
old Mithrandir.
Gandalf: *scowls*
After the first day it didn’t matter how long he prayed,
how many times he asked for forgiveness, and certainly there wasn’t a reason
for him to feel as if he deserved any sort of amnesty. He had pleaded his case
to the other fathers. He sought some sort of solace from his mind and actions.
Arwen: Seeking solace
from one’s own mind is tricky business.
Sméagol: I should
knows, precious.
He sat now huddled in his room, in a kneeling position
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Are you huddling or kneeling?
Faramir: I hadn’t made
up my mind at that point. I think I settled on kneeling.
Boromir: Good. Because
I like you on your knees.
Aragorn: Get a room,
you two. You’re grossing us out.
not caring that his legs had gone numb hours ago.
Boromir: That’s my
boy!
Faramir: Took a lot of
practice for me to get to that stage.
Boromir: I remember.
Fondly. Very fondly.
There had to be something more he could do, he reasoned.
Praying for the rest of his life would not excuse his actions,
Haldir: Can someone
please remind me what the fuck he’s done that was so bad?
Arwen: My best guess
is that he’s upset he accidentally told Van Helsing he maybe sorta kinda loves him. Now he feels like some kind of
degenerate, or a criminal.
Haldir: If that’s the
case, then Legolas should’ve been imprisoned hundreds of years ago.
Aragorn: *glares*
therefore further steps had to be taken.
Saruman: Not MORE
steps. I swear, I am tearing down Orthanc and building a ranch style.
God knew of his sin, and only time would renew the faith.
Aragorn: This is
starting to sound like a George Michael song.
Boromir: *to Aragorn*
You listen to George Michael?
Éomer: *to Boromir*
And this is a surprise to you?
Even as he prayed, sin corrupted his mind and he dwelled on
the thought of Gabriel Van Helsing.
Boromir: Faramir
always has had his mind in the gutter.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Only cuz you dragged me down there with you.
At first his thoughts were of sadness. He had probably
ruined his friendship, and the man’s thoughts for many years.
Sam: Ruined the man’s
thoughts for many years?
Frodo: His revelation
was like a psychic nuke.
He couldn’t imagine the things running through his friend’s
head, and he couldn’t comprehend his own.
Then the concern slowly turned back to desire, and Carl
hated himself.
Faramir: Endless
self-hatred is almost as bad as endless blubbering.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
They never write you in an attractive light, do they?
Elrond: The way these
stories read I’m quite sure they don’t write with any light whatsoever.
He hated that he wanted the dark, mysterious man.
Legolas: Never once
has that sentence applied to Faramir’s life.
Faramir: *to Legolas* Or
to yours.
Legolas: True.
He wanted those strong arms to hold him tight and the
commanding voice to parry with him on his inventions again.
Gríma: He’s a sex toy tinkerer?
Faramir: I’m an
inventor of devastating armaments, the likes of which the world has never seen!
Boromir: And he also
makes a lot of phallic weapons.
Faramir: I do not!
Boromir: Dude, those
silver stakes?
Faramir: Well, okay.
Maybe a little.
He just wanted the man to look at him with something more
than friendship.
It took him several tries before he could climb to his
feet.
Boromir: Carrying a
few extra pounds, is our Carl. *pats Faramir’s head*
Faramir: I’m not
leaving here with you tonight.
His legs and feet tingled and he could barely feel the dead
weight.
Pippin: Who’d he kill?
Merry: The last person
who tried to take his apples.
Gandalf: Settle down!
Resting on his hard bed he allowed the blood to flow freely
to his lower body and twisted his hands in his lap.
Boromir: “allowed the blood
to flow freely to his lower body and twisted his hands in his lap” = world’s
worst euphemism for jerking off.
Confession wasn’t enough. He had to show God he was truly
sorry for allowing sinful thoughts to invade his mind. He had to prove that he
did not want sexual relations with a man.
Aragorn: *as Carl, as
Bill Clinton* I did not want sexual relations with Van Helsing!
For days Gabriel had attempted to see Carl. In the
beginning there wasn’t a real reason for it, and he found with thought he didn’t
know what he would actually say to Carl.
Arwen: These two have
the most awkward relationship in the history of couples.
Haldir: But you said
the same thing about Aragorn and Legolas when they first began.
Arwen: Only because
they had such a hard time figuring out who wore the pants.
He didn’t know how to react to what his friend had said; he
just knew he had to see him. He had to let Carl know he didn’t hate him.
Faramir: It wasn’t as
though I said “Oh, Gabriel, I want to fuck your brains out.” All I did was just
tell him that I loved him enough to fight for him, since he was planning on
just lying around the
After many failed attempts and having been turned away by
friars and men of the cloth alike,
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Wow, he really went through a lot of guys before he settled on you.
Galadriel: Clearly,
Carl was the only one with enough compassion to accept that boring, whinging, sad sack of a monster hunter into his heart.
Boromir: That, and
maybe Van Helsing just thought that since Faramir had the hunchback and all, he
might’ve been really grateful for the attention. An easy score.
Faramir: *snarls* Well
OBVIOUSLY I’m not PICKY, or I wouldn’t allow a certain horn up my…
Aragorn: STOP IT!
he retired to his room to actually think on Carl’s words.
Frodo: To actually
think!
Elrond: Imagine that.
He truly had never considered a relationship with a man,
but upon further deliberation he decided he was not fully against it.
Yes, he had been influenced greatly by the church’s codes
and laws, but he also made his own.
Gimli: Convenient.
Legolas: Kinda how we
all operate.
He saw no reason as to why sharing his bed with a man would
warrant him death or eternity in purgatory. What he did was his own business.
Haldir: All he had to
do now was get the palantir away from God.
But that brought him back to Carl. He had never thought of
the man as anything but a friend.
Merry: Because, you
know, with the haircut and the hump and the ears…
Faramir: Look at me.
I’m gorgeous. I’m the hottest guy in Gondor, hands down.
Boromir: *sighs* He
really is.
Legolas: *starry eyed*
So gorgeous…
Aragorn: I’m seriously
considering reintroducing the talking stick.
Carl had been the only one he truly trusted to watch his
back in a battle, and the only man that he counted on in a tight spot.
Boromir: Mmm. Tight spot.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I’d happily watch your back.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I bet you would, my little tight spot.
Éowyn: I hate you
both. Like, more than anything.
He thought the man was a wonder, a brilliant philosopher
and a compassionate brother until the end.
Carl in actuality was the man he considered most important
to him. Even when he found himself attracted to Anna, Carl was the one he went
to sleep thinking about.
Legolas: Oh, this
guy’s a major closet case.
Aragorn: Total ticking
time bomb. Should we start planning the “coming out” party?
Legolas: Okay, but
let’s not get those dwarf strippers this time.
Aragorn: Yeah, that
idea was way better in theory.
And the man was the first thing on his mind in the morning.
Faramir: But he’d
never considered a relationship with a man or anything.
Boromir: Perish the
thought!
When in a battle he always feared for Carl’s life, and this
often caused him to make brash, idiot decisions, he decided.
Haldir: *as Van
Helsing* Fucking Carl. He always makes me an idiot.
Merry: *as Van
Helsing* Only one way to get revenge.
Haldir: *as Van
Helsing* Hot friar lovin’.
Carl was everything to him, and he did love Carl, but in
the way Carl loved him?
He did not know if he could love Carl the way the friar
wanted,
Aragorn: Because
Boromir’s a tough act to follow.
and he did not want to hurt his friend by denying the
feelings. But he found he couldn’t lie to the man either.
Gabriel feared this had torn them apart. He was afraid Carl
would do something drastic.
Galadriel: Like decide
to mope in his room and hope to catch a fatal germ.
Gabriel was frightened that if he did not love Carl in the
right way now, he would never grow into it.
Merry: Grow-a-Gay.
Pippin: I had one of
those! It starts off small and you put it in a bowl of water overnight…
Merry: SHUT THE FUCK
UP, PIPPIN!
Gandalf: That’s it,
Merry, you’re in time out! Go to the corner now, young man. March!
He had a sinking feeling you couldn’t grow into that sort
of love.
Legolas: *sings*
“Can’t grow me gaaaay. Gaaaay.”
Aragorn: *sings, as
Carl* “I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright.”
Celeborn: *sings, as
Carl* “I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright.”
Aragorn: *sings, as
Carl* “'Cause I don't care too much for money…”
Legolas: *sings*
“Money can’t grow me gay.”
Arwen: You guys really
are the gayest of the gay.
Legolas: Thank you.
*beams*
Gabriel sighed. He was due to leave for
Elrond: Voulez vous coucher
avec moi?
and now he would have to find another friar or monk to help
him.
Boromir: So easily he
casts aside my hunchbacked brother.
Faramir: I’m not going
to rise to the bait this time, Boromir.
Théoden: That’s a
shame. There goes the floor show.
He wondered briefly if Carl would accompany him, but
thought ill of the idea moments later. Carl was in no state to travel with him,
Gabriel mused, and he didn’t know if they could ever travel together again.
The next morning Carl accepted food for the first time in
two days. He hastily the stale bread and drank his warm tea.
Arwen: The man’s been
starved for two days, and the best they can do is stale bread and warm tea?
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: *sheepishly*
Yes, Pip?
Pippin: Let’s never go
live at the
Merry: Okay, Pip.
It felt good to have nourishment in his body, but in a
flash he was bringing the meal back up.
Galadriel: Wow. Maybe
he did catch a fatal germ after all.
He sat and sobbed, feeling wretched.
He fought for control and was finally able to leave his
room with destination in mind.
Confession.
Elrond: Does Carl ever
stop confessing?
Merry: Must be the
most boring confessions in the history of repentance.
Arwen: *as Carl*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Frodo: *as Carl* Since
the last time I saw you, about the shoe tossing and the kinda telling Gabriel I
loved him thing…
Merry: *as Carl* I
looked out the window, I cried a lot, I starved myself for a couple days, I ate
some old bread, I threw it up, let’s see…I tinkered a little, I guess that’s a
venial sin…
Elrond: *as priest*
STFU and buy a diary, freak.
He had not been in hours
Gandalf: HOURS? He
confesses every few hours?
Aragorn: The
and it weighed heavily upon his soul—if he still had a
soul, Carl countered. He needed to speak with a father upon his growing pain.
Merry: NOW would be a
good time to append “…in his pants,” Pip.
Pippin: Good to know.
Thanks Merry!
Merry: You’re welcome Pippin.
Pippin: I love you,
Merry.
Merry: I love you too,
Pip.
Gandalf: Alright then.
You can come out of the corner now, Meriadoc.
He had just reached the main floor and turned a corner
towards confession when he bounced off a strong object.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
You’re made of rubber?
Faramir: I don’t think
so. I think it’s just the robes. Lots of padding. Tend to ricochet all over the
place.
Boromir: Pity. I was
hoping to capitalize on rubbery stretchiness and flexibility.
Faramir: We do just
fine without.
Boromir: True.
He had failed to see the person coming towards him and the
stairs, and in return he had rudely managed to hit them.
Haldir: Completely
rude, hitting the stairs like that.
Sméagol: *to Faramir*
What’s the poor stairs ever done to you?
Elrond: I know a
certain someone who owes the stairs an apology.
Gandalf: And he’ll get
no dessert until he apologizes!
Merry: We’re having
custard and all.
Pippin: I’m sorry,
stairs! It was an accident, honest!
Merry: We weren’t
talking about you, Pippin.
Pippin: Does that mean
I still get custard?
Merry: Yes, Pip.
"My apologies," Carl began.
Gandalf: Faramir may
now have custard.
Faramir: *to Gandalf*
I don’t want any custard, you senile old bat!
Then his eyes widened and he became aware that he was in
someone’s arms, and they were warm and strong.
Boromir: Ooooh. When did I get there?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Sometimes I am ashamed that we share a gene pool.
Pippin: Faffy from
Hardbottle has a pool. It’s a wee thing. Doesn’t hold much water, but it’s
enough to chill your bum. When it’s really hot Faffy fills it up and sits in it
naked, to cool down, like. He even drags it up right up to the school yard
first, because he so loves to watch the little ones playing and laughing and
having a grand time. *sighs* It’s heartwarming, really.
Merry: …I think we
need call the Hardbottle police, Pip. Haldir, can I borrow your mobile?
He delayed looking up at the face of the person he had run
into, knowing who it was, but enjoying the fake innocence.
Arwen: *sings* “Like a
virgin, hee!”
Boromir: Except it’s
most definitely not the first time Faramir’s been touched.
When he realized God would know of this, he sprang back,
turning away from Gabriel Van Helsing.
Boromir: God is
totally ruining his sex life.
"Carl, why do you turn from me?" Gabriel asked,
stepping forward, and causing Carl to step back. "Am I not your
friend?"
Boromir: Rip off!!!
Faramir: *sighs* What
now?
Boromir: I quote, “Why
do you recoil? I am no thief!”
Faramir: Once again,
Boromir, what she wrote and what you said are two completely different things.
Boromir: It’s the
principle of it all.
"You do not wish to inflict harm upon me?" Carl
asked, drawing a bit closer.
Aragorn: *as Carl*
…Please?
Éowyn: *snickers*
"After what I
said . . . " Carl trailed off.
"Carl, you are my friend, and I will never hate you. I
cannot hurt a man who speaks his heart, a man who care for my being and my
safety. I certainly could not hate you, who had stood by my side through many
undesirable situations.
Elrond: …and many
confused verb tenses.
I could not even dislike you, Carl, for you have saved my
life many times, far too many to count."
Boromir: Does Van
Helsing totally suck at what he does, or what?
"I was wrong to think and speak of forbidden things,
forgive me Gabriel. I have attempted to tarnish what is pure. You must believe
I did not set this purpose in spite of the love you held for Anna."
Frodo: I can’t make
any sense of that whatsoever.
Elrond: Let’s see if
we can break it down: “I was wrong to think and speak of forbidden things.”
Ungrammatical, but it works. He’s feeling guilty for thinking about and
expressing his love for Gabriel.
Frodo: Okay, with you
so far.
Elrond: “Forgive me
Gabriel.” Should have been its own sentence, but it’s pretty self-explanatory
either way.
Frodo: Gotcha. Carry
on…
Elrond: “I have
attempted to tarnish what is pure.” Well, that’s a correct sentence, though
it’s clumsy, and melodramatic—seeing how all he did to Gabriel was talk about
loving him, sort of. Unless I nodded off somewhere and missed something. Which
is distinctly possible. But anyway, he’s chiding himself, in essence, for what
he perceives as having ruined their relationship.
Frodo: Continue…
Elrond: “You must
believe I did not set this purpose in spite of the love you held for Anna.” Um.
You’re on your own with that one.
Carl at this moment attempted to flee, but again Gabriel
caught him in his arms.
Haldir: *to Faramir*
You sucked at fleeing in that first story, too.
Boromir: And yet, he
did it so well when he abandoned Osgiliath.
Éomer: Except for
serving hot lunch to a few fell beasts.
Faramir: See bait? Not
rising.
Carl found himself crushed to Gabriel’s chest, and it felt
good.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Masochist.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Sadist.
Boromir: That’s why we
make such a great team!
He forgot his troubles and his sins. He forgot that he was
on his way to confession. All he now cared about was being in the arms of Gabriel
for the rest of his days.
All: Awww!
"But you cannot love me as the way I love you,"
He forced to Gabriel.
Gandalf: Hmm.
"My love is aberrant, your love is for a woman. I must
go to confessional."
Elrond: *as Carl*
…whereupon the priest will beat me senseless with my own shoe.
Gabriel made a last ditch grab for the man again, but Carl
eluded him this time,
Celeborn: *to Faramir*
Nicely done!
Legolas: *to Faramir*
See? I told you practice makes perfect.
Faramir: *to Legolas*
The context was completely different at the time.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
What was the context, then?
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Uh, gardening! Yes. Practice makes perfect when it comes to, uh…weeding.
Sam: That’s so true!
and the friar was soon off down the long hall. "The
only pure love is that which is between two people who love each other!"
Arwen: Deep, man.
Éowyn: Totally.
Gabriel listened to his words bounce off the tall ceiling
and echo back at him.
Galadriel: …before
slapping him sharply for having uttered them.
"Go to
Boromir: Is that the
period equivalent of “go to hell?”
Elrond: Or maybe “go
to
"I will speak with you!"
Faramir: No, you
won’t.
By the time his words echoed back,
Saruman: Are they
relying on these echoes for actual communication purposes?
Merry: Someone needs
to give them a couple tin cans and a long string.
Carl was gone and Gabriel was at the mercy of many harsh
stares.
Arwen: *as Gabriel*
What the fuck you lookin’ at, bitches? Back the fuck
off befo I pop a cap in yo
asses.
He glared at the few who questioned him and marched off in
search of a weapon to combat
Aragorn: No foe
needed. Just a weapon. It’s a personal vendetta.
It was very late into the night when Gabriel made his way
up to Carl’s room.
Aragorn: …victorious,
having vanquished the last rapier in
He was determined to speak with the man before he had to
leave for
Gabriel convinced himself to knock once on Carl’s door
before pushing it open and stepping in.
Boromir: Because it’s
only polite to knock before you barge in anyway.
Faramir: Well,
exactly.
"What are you doing here?" Carl asked, standing
by the window, fully clothed
Boromir: …to Gabriel’s
disappointment.
Faramir: *purrs*
despite the hour. "Why did you seek me out?"
"I need to make you see me, Carl.
Frodo: Here, take
these contact lenses.
You need to see that I do not understand, and you need to
fix this."
Boromir: *as Van
Helsing* Fix this NOW, ho!
Faramir: Why is he
making me do all the work?
"I will not do this with you," Carl told him.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
You? Refuse? Hahaha.
Faramir: Only when I
have a headache.
"Not before you leave, and I will not let you give me
nightmares."
Elrond: Because we saw
what happens when Carl has nightmares.
Gandalf: Ugh, don’t
remind me.
"Carl! Listen to yourself! Tell me why you avoid me
when I have clearly stated I am not bothered by your confession."
"I avoid you because I am hurt. I am hurt everytim I look at you and realize you shall never love me
in sin as I love you.
Boromir:
*breathlessly* Love me in sin, baybee.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
You know, you’re rather sexy when you talk like that.
Boromir: *to Faramir,
breathlessly* Meet me in the loo?
Faramir: *melts* Okey doke.
I am in pain because God, whom had placed great faith in
me,
Galadriel: How does he
know? Does he have some direct line of communication?
Elrond: A tin can on a
long string.
I have betrayed. I am sworn not to sin, and I committed
what should not be mentioned again."
"Feelings and thoughts are your own. Yes, worship and love
God, but realize you are your own person. If you so wish to love me, that
should be your right!"
Sam: Is this going to
turn into a hard-hitting treatise against losing personal identity in religion?
Frodo: I wouldn’t
count on it.
"You are not a man of the cloth, Van Helsing, you
would not understand.
Merry: Hang on a
minute. Carl hasn’t yet taken all his vows, right?
All: Right.
Merry: That’s what
makes him still a friar, right?
All: Right.
Merry: And he can curse
like a sailor and fuck like a bunny, right?
All: Right.
Merry: So what’s the
problem?
Legolas: He just
assumed sex with a man was an impossibility.
Aragorn: I think
Boromir’s in the bathroom right now showing him it’s entirely possible.
Éowyn: Do you suppose
they’d let me out of my contract if I had a tragic accident like, say, my
eyeball was plucked out with a serving fork?
You can never understand my pledge to God. It would be as
if you were touddenly to murder innocents, and like
it.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: I murder innocents all the time, and love it. So what?
Saruman: It’s quite
fun once you get into it.
Sauron: See? I’ve been
saying that for millennia.
This is devastating upon my heart, soul and life."
Arwen: This story is devastating
upon my heart, soul, and life.
"I do not question your faith, or God, Carl, I merely
question your happiness. You are hurting, and it pains me to see this. I do not
understand how you can allow this to happen."
"No, you do not understand, Van Helsing. My happiness
does not matter, only what is right matters."
"And what is right?"
All: *stunned silence*
Gandalf: That dialogue
actually made sense!
Carl rolled his eyes, pulling his arms around his body.
"Good night, Gabriel Van Helsing."
Suddenly he was snatched from behind and spun around. With
his face merely inches from Gabriel’s he began to feel dizzy and intoxicated.
Éomer: …from the fumes
of alcohol wafting from the ragingly intoxicated monster hunter.
Éowyn: You have to be
intoxicated to pledge your love to Faramir.
Aragorn: *to Éowyn*
YOU did it.
Éowyn: Give me a
break. He propositioned me in the Houses of Healing. I was hopped up on pain
killers!
"What is right,
Carl?"
"God is right," He managed.
"Is there not a difference between what is right for
you, and what is right for him? Should you not be allowed a full life with your
own joy? What love is right, Carl?"
Elrond: For a man who
was just struggling with whether or not he could ever love a man, he’s arguing
his case very strongly.
Legolas: Boromir would
have given up and chloroformed him, by now.
Carl defiantly managed to pull back a few inches. "God
says man shall love woman. It was intended this way."
All: *hysterical
laughter*
"Perhaps for procreation, but there is love you feel
for me, and is it wrong because you and I are men?"
"I am not a man, I am a demon.
Balrog: Whoa. I didn’t
see that coming. I’m gonna go get him from the bathroom.
Gandalf: That won’t
end well.
Elrond: For Boromir?
Gandalf: No, for the
balrog. Have you seen what that boy can do with his horn?
Only a demon dreams of taking another man to his bed."
Arwen: If that’s true,
then easily three quarters of the male population of Arda are demons.
Gabriel paused for a moment before sweeping down and
capturing Carl’s lips in a searing kiss.
Legolas: The Steward’s
boys are missing the best part.
Balrog: Jeez…
Gandalf: No luck?
Balrog: The blonde one
gave me a wedgie and dunked my head in the toilet. He
was just going for his horn when I took off.
Gandalf: *to Elrond*
See?
Balrog: The red head’s
not so cute, anyway.
Legolas: *defiantly*
Yes he is!
Balrog: *sighs* Yeah,
he is.
Carl had never felt anything as intense, and as Gabriel’s
tongue begged for access to his mouth, Carl found himself giving in.
Aragorn: Well, it IS
still Faramir we’re talking about, here.
It felt so right,
and it felt so pure. It made Carl feel as if he were the luckiest man in the
world, and the only thing that mattered were Gabriel’s hands drifting down his
back.
Elrond: In a pure
fashion, of course.
Legolas: Aiming right
for his ass…
Elrond: In a pure
fashion.
Legolas: Of course.
Carl allowed himself to be pulled upward when Gabriel’s hands
locked under his bottom
Legolas: See? Can I
call ‘em, or what?
and pulled him closer. Carl felt as if they had merged, and
for the first time in his life felt complete. He felt as if he were a God
himself.
Aragorn: If God was into
tonguing other men, wouldn’t that make him gay?
Legolas: Pretty much.
And at the thought of Godhood,
Aragorn: …or manhood…
and a hand slipping into his robes,
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
I can call them too!
he tore away, stumbling back and landing on his bed with a
vicious thud.
Sam: Vicious thud.
Frodo: New name for
the band?
Merry: The definitive
name.
Frodo: I’ll start
having t-shirts printed.
Lips red and swollen,
Arwen: You all need to
listen to my lecture on the marvelous powers of lip balm.
chest heaving and mind spinning Carl forced himself fully
onto the bed.
Legolas: *as Carl*
Ravish me, big boy!
"This cannot happen. I forbid you to touch me again.
Aragorn: Faramir’s
getting on my nerves in this story.
Éowyn: In this story?
Try living with him every day.
Éomer: *to Éowyn* You
always have a place by my side in Meduseld,
shieldmaiden.
Éowyn: *to Éomer* Are
you kidding me? You perv worse than Gríma!
Leave me, Gabriel! Leave me and go to
"Perhaps now you will understand pure love."
Legolas: From what, a
French kiss and a quick grope?
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Worked for you.
Gabriel slammed his door harshly and Carl collapsed fully.
Briefly his fingers came to his lips, and he touched them experimentally, feeling
the swollen flesh.
Aragorn: This doesn’t
feel the same without Boromir here to make disgusting jokes about swollen
flesh.
Legolas: Yeah, this
part’s done anyway. Let’s take intermission and get them back.
Balrog: I wouldn’t go in
there, if I were you.
Legolas: Hmm. Fair
warning.
Elrond: Send
Glorfindel.
Haldir: Oh, Gloryyyy…
It was so wrong, but it had felt so right.
Carl scrambled off the bed. He had to repent.
Gandalf: Not AGAIN.
TBC
Arwen: *sighs*
…2 hours, 15 minutes, 30 seconds
later…
Bilbo: What the hell
took you all so long?
Legolas: We, uh, had
to visit the loo.
Saruman: If you’re
quite finished shagging each other like it’s going out of style, can we get on
with this? We’ve only this last part to go, and I don’t want to be late. I’ve
heard an unusually hot hobbit chick is doing a strip tease in Bree tonight.
Sam: Now wait just a
minute!
Title: Deliverance
Author: Me, Jen
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gabriel/Carl
Warnings: angst
Boromir: Angst. That
could be promising.
Summary: Gabriel lays his feelings out (Finally)
Frodo: Didn’t he make
his feelings pretty clear in the last part?
Elrond: Apparently not
clear enough.
and Carl chooses between the man he loves and God ... or
does he?
Arwen: I hate it when
these girls don’t know where they’re going with their own stories.
Pippin: Maybe it’s
like those books where you choose your own ending.
Boromir: I choose the
ending that results in Van Helsing’s extermination.
Chapters one and two can be found ... somewhere on here.
I'm too lazy to go find them and do all that lj cut
stuff.
Gandalf: Really
inspires confidence in what she brings to the table as a storyteller.
Chapter Three:
Deliverance
Chapter Three:
Merry: Been there,
done that.
Gabriel’s absence had done many things for Carl over the
past month. Some had been damaging,
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I told you to be careful with the experimentation.
while most were refreshing. He was able to go about his
daily life without constantly looked over his shoulder for the mysterious man.
And certainly he slept easier at night.
Frodo: Unless there
was a thunderstorm.
Faramir: Are you guys
ever going to get over that?
Legolas: Not anytime
soon.
He took a fair amount of food in,
Galadriel: Did he keep
it down?
Haldir: Carl could be
bulimic.
Arwen: Blame Boromir.
He made the fat jokes.
and even managed a smile from time to time.
Of course Carl had known Gabriel would come back, and he’d
bring up what Carl had fought to push down.
Galadriel: Guess that
answers my question. *to Haldir* Maybe you were right about that bulimia…
The man had a way of forcing Carl to confront his darkest
thoughts, and he did not doubt that given time, Gabriel would succeed again.
Elrond: With any luck,
his darkest thoughts will have actually grown interesting over the past month.
Gandalf: Wanna bet?
Elrond: Not
especially.
Without Gabriel heavy in his mind he was able to launch
himself back into his work. He became a sort of madman in his workshop
Éomer: Maniac on the
floor?
Gríma: And he’s
tinkering like he’s never tinkered before.
and had at least three things to leave for Gabriel.
Aragorn: Vague pressies!
Legolas: He’ll get mad
huggles for those.
He was also able to devote his time to God. He attended services
twice a day, studied the holy book hourly
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I hate it when you go all bookwormish on me.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I know, it’s tough for the illiterate to appreciate.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Fuck you.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I’m gonna need a little more recovery time first.
and managed confessional at least once a day.
Elrond: That’s a
downgrade from every hour.
Boromir: A step in the
right direction, I’d say.
Gandalf: *to Boromir*
You could very well be Satan incarnate, you know that?
Strangely he assumed he would feel closer to God. His
devotion was at an all time high,
Frodo: Rainfall’s at
an all time high.
Merry: Teen
pregnancy’s at an all time high.
Théoden: You just
don’t hear that phrase applied to devotion very often.
Faramir: I’m a
trailblazer like that.
and his faith had never been stronger. Instead he found
there was a distance between his soul and God. He did not doubt God would show
him mercy, or forgive him of his wicked ways.
Arwen: Wasn’t he
doubting all that in the last chapter?
Aragorn: A lot changes
in a month.
Arwen: And in a
chapter, apparently.
So he assumed it had to be something else. He had yet to
figure out what that was, though.
Boromir: Such a bright
bulb, my baby bro.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Bite
me.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
It’d be my pleasure.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
I am SO over you right now.
Gandalf: Am I going to
have to send one of you to the corner?
Wednesday morning
Éowyn: A detail! I’m
glad she could spare the time.
Legolas: We’d best commit
it to memory. It might be important.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
You’re joking, right?
he walked soundlessly down a flight to stairs, eyes darting
wildly and legs ready to carry him away if necessary.
Merry: Wednesday was
Carl’s paranoid day.
Boromir: Hump day.
Frodo: *to Boromir*
Knowing you, it’s no wonder he’s afraid of it.
Gabriel had returned the night before, and Carl had no
doubt the man would seek him out--it was merely his way.
Saruman: Merely.
Faramir: I hate
everything about Van Helsing.
As it so happened it was necessary for him to leave that
morning. He had to purchase a few parts from a man in the city for his newest
contraption.
Haldir: A very special
vibrator.
Legolas: Use Energizer
batteries. They keep going, and going, and going…
In a fit of frustration he had broken the only spare,
Celeborn: First he
goes off in a fit of shoe tossing rage. Now he’s taking things out on innocent
machinery. I think our Carl needs some anger management.
Boromir: Goodness no.
Let it fester until he snaps and stakes Gabriel.
and he desperately needed to finish his invention before
Gabriel left again.
Boromir: …and his
sexual frustration reached its peak.
"Merciful God," He pleaded while being struck by
the rain.
Elrond: Looks like
God’s not so merciful after all.
Gandalf: Is it raining
rocks again?
Éowyn: Go rain!
He barely managed to close the doors behind him. It seemed
to Carl that this was another test from God.
Arwen: …a test of his
new foul weather gear.
Théoden: That shade of
yellow suits him.
It had been sunny the previous day, and the week before
that. There had been no warning for the storm,
Frodo: Which is
unusual because, centuries ago, meteorologists were pretty on the ball.
Merry: *nods* Up to a
ten day forecast!
and Carl did not appreciate it on his favorite day of the
week.
Boromir: Hump day.
Merry: We heard you
the first time.
Boromir: *to Merry*
I’ve got an apple in my pocket, wanna bob for it?
Yet he would not desist or give in to the seemingly demonic
weather.
Elrond: …it’s just
RAIN, you melodramatic bimbo.
Faramir: Stop blaming
this shit on me!
He would fight the weather, secure what he needed and
return to his sanctuary without complaining.
"I’ve been looking for you."
Carl knew right then he was going to complain a lot more.
Aragorn: Haha, that
was a funny.
Legolas: Came out of
nowhere, didn’t it?
Aragorn: I certainly
had given up hope of either amusement or entertainment from this story.
Legolas: Hope renewed?
Aragorn: No.
He said nothing to the man trailing after him and continued
on his way. He fought off the dark, knowing the rain had purged the streets
from all light.
Sauron: What the fuck
kind of rain is this, and how can I get my hands on some of those clouds?
Therefore he was left with his memory to guide him where he
needed to be.
Arwen: The rain has
morphed him into Helen Keller.
Sam: I know the chick
who played her.
"I have given you time to think."
He had thought, but not of that. He had avoided that topic
at all costs.
Merry: Must be nice to
be idly rich. Cost is never an issue.
Frodo: Exorbitant
avoidance all OVER the place!
Merry: He’ll end up on
one of those E! “100 Biggest Celebrity Wastes of Money” programs.
Frodo: Except he’s not
a celebrity.
Merry: That’s torn it.
"Gabriel Van Helsing, I pray you will leave me."
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Do you ever pray I’ll leave you? *puppy eyes*
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Don’t be silly, big bro. I was devastated when you died. Despondent for several
days, before I met Frodo.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Whore.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Ah, what would I do without the abuse and the sarcasm and the rowdy incestuous
sex? And your love, Boromir, your sweet love…daring to care for me when no-one
else would…
Arwen: Shut up, you
two. We’re trying to snark over here. You’re totally
bringing us down.
Bile was rising in his throat
Galadriel: Celeborn,
make a note that we should send a doctor ‘round to check out Carl’s little
vomiting problem. It’s most unbecoming.
Celeborn: We elves
like to nip unbecoming problems in the bud.
Haldir: Speaking of,
Legolas, you’ve got a little tangle just at the back…
Legolas: *shrieks and
runs to the bathroom*
Haldir: *laughs
hysterically* I love that. Every time.
Aragorn: *to Haldir*
You know, Anduril works on the dead.
and the darkness that was Gabriel was seeping into him. He
was losing his will power, and he remembered the last time that happened.
Elrond: In case anyone
needs a re-cap, the last time that happened he got a nice tongue duel and an
ass grab.
Arwen: Doesn’t sound
like something I’d fight.
Aragorn: Yeah, but
you’re easy. That’s why I took to you.
Arwen: *nods* A mutual
trait, made us fast friends.
Gabriel’s hand clutched his arm and stopped him in front of
a darkened bakery.
Merry: Messy sex on a
bed of pastry dough.
Pippin: Mmm, pastries.
Merry: Pip, these
would be pasties made from dough that was flatted by the asses of two sweaty,
copulating men.
Pippin: Mightn’t
matter, depending on what flavor they put in the filling.
"That is now
not possible, Carl. Perhaps before," He spoke quietly.
"Before?"
Both of Gabriel’s hands slid to the top of his shoulder
blades. His hands burned a white pain that reminded Carl of God’s ever present
eyes.
Sauron: God has ever
present eyes with white pain?
Saruman: You only had
one eye with fiery pain.
Sauron: But now I’m
going to have to upgrade to a pair. Must keep up with the Joneses.
"Before I went away to
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: It’s the Grond of rain storms.
and Gabriel moved them down a side alley where they were
partially protected.
Boromir: Partially
protected…is that like a lambskin?
"Watching men farm and women scrub floors for two weeks
does give one time to think. And time to come to a decision."
Elrond: He went to
He was afraid to ask what Gabriel had decided. He was
beyond stubborn, and if he had gone and talked himself into something, Carl was
worried about being able to convince him otherwise.
Frodo: This is
completely lost on me. Carl’s in love with Van Helsing. Van Helsing is falling
in love with Carl. What’s the goddamned problem, already?
Aragorn: I think the
situation would be much less complicated if they weren’t going to, you know, do
it in the
Legolas: Van Helsing
should take Carl into the wilds.
Aragorn: Exactly.
Frodo: It worked on
me.
"Just listen, Carl," Gabriel requested, pulling
the friar closer to him.
Boromir: Oooh…
Faramir: Still a PG-13
chapter, bro.
Boromir: *mutters*
"Before I left
we spoke of love, and there was a disagreement of sorts.
Elrond: And the
nominees in the category of “Understatement of the Year” are: Gabriel Van
Helsing, for “Deliverance”…
I have come to realize that such a disagreement will
perhaps never change. I believe one way, and you believe another, it is merely
who we are, Carl. Your faith guides you one way, and I follow a different
route.
Boromir: *as Van
Helsing* I think with my cock. Mine is the valiant route of immediate sexual
gratification.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Are you speaking as him, or as yourself?
Boromir: *to Faramir*
The lines blurred for a moment there, didn’t they?
Yet the questioning of your feelings led me to explore my own."
Carl felt his own fingers come up involuntarily to rest
over Gabriel’s hands.
Faramir: Remind me to
cut off my fingers after we’re done here.
"I wondered, as I sat on a roof of a Parisian house,
how I had overlooked you.
Elrond: I should have
thought that from a roof, overlooking anyone would be quite easy.
Pippin: Hey Merry,
remember that time we climbed up onto the roof of the Green Dragon and waited
to peep down Rosie’s corset as she locked up for the night?
Sam: Hey!
Merry: Don’t worry,
Sam, it was way before you two got married.
Frodo: Now we’re going
to pay to get a peek at the Pony.
Merry: Ah, how times
change.
My conclusion came to be
Gimli: I hate her use
of verbs.
Frodo: Just the verbs?
Gimli: Well, no. I
also hate her use of nouns, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, prepositions…
Frodo: Got it.
that you are the only steady and true thing in my life. You
are my constant companion, and in a way invisible.
Arwen: Now there’s
romance!
Théoden: Steady, true,
constant companion, yet invisible. That reminds me of something…hmm…
Merry: A split
personality?
Éomer: An ingrown
hair?
Haldir: A polyp?
Faramir: You lot make
Boromir look like Don Juan.
I see you as my equal Carl, but I did not take the time to see
you as anything else."
Boromir: Mostly
because it’s hard to see anything of anyone when you take ‘em
from behind.
Faramir: I strike my
previous comment.
"Until I spoke," Carl volunteered.
Gabriel’s hands slipped from his shoulders to the sides of
his face. The man leaned in close and Carl became nervous.
"It took me a few days to realize that merely because
I had been oblivious to these feelings, did not mean they did not exist. Do you
understand what I am saying?"
Elrond: No,
motherfucker. None of us understand what you’re saying.
Gandalf: Ever.
Do I? Carl wondered.
Faramir: For once, my
character’s in agreement with the masses.
"You know what I feel for you, Carl. You feel the same
for me. Your heart beats wildly as mine does, and your soul begs for
forgiveness, redemption and love all at once.
Boromir: Greedy little
bastard.
You would take me to your bed as I would you."
Aragorn: Would you?
Legolas: You would?
Aragorn: I would.
Legolas: I would too.
Aragorn: But would he?
Legolas: He would?
Aragorn: He would.
Legolas: Glad we
cleared that up.
"Don’t!" Carl told him harshly, forcefully moving
Gabriel off and away from him.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
I am sorely disappointed with you, right now.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Spank me later, then.
"Do not speak such things in public, nor to me.
Frodo: But certainly
never, ever, ever speak such things to me in public.
I have wrestled with my doubt and my sin for a very long
time, Gabriel Van Helsing.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
And I know how much you like wrestling.
Legolas: *to Boromir*
He really does, doesn’t he?
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
How do you know?
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Uh...because we have a regular WWE night in Emyn Arnen?
Aragorn: Ahh. I’ll have to come to that sometime.
"I have wondered if by chance I would be allowed to be
a man.
All: …
Merry: What is he now?
Pippin: A wombat?
Frodo: A wheelbarrow?
Merry: A worker bee?
Frodo: Rockin’ the W’s.
Merry: Our first
single.
Sam: Totally.
Should I hide my love whiles others do not?
Sméagol: No precious,
it should shows its love whiles it can.
Gollum: Before John
Edward has to do its for you.
But I choose my faith over your love, Gabriel, and I hope
you will one day respect this decision."
Faramir: In the movie
I was way less God-obsessed.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
You were too busy tinkering, running away like a girly girl, prancing about in
a jester costume, and fucking the first ugly chick who stumbled your way.
Faramir: *to Aragorn*
I notice YOU didn’t get laid in the movies.
Aragorn: *to Faramir*
Not that you saw. But elves don’t need to sleep and I’m an insomniac. What do
you think Leggy and I did off-screen every night?
Faramir: I’m never
watching the trilogy again.
Gabriel took his own step back,
Arwen: Indian giver.
a look of defeat on his face. "I would never ask you
to chose our love
Faramir: “Our” love? I
don’t remember it getting that official.
Gandalf: Especially
since you turned him down in the previous paragraph.
over your faith. I know how dearly precious it is to you, and
it would not be my place to suggest such a thing. We may not share our love
while we live, but rest assured the love I hold for you will surely live on
once I am dead."
Boromir: Pshaw.*to
Faramir* Soon as he kicks the bucket he’ll find Anna and forget all about you.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
You’re really just a bastard.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
But I didn’t forget about you, did I? Soon as I kicked the bucket I came back
for you, little brother.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Oh, gem of Gondor, how I love you!
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Wanna take another bathroom break?
Elrond: Boromir!
Gandalf: *stands* Ash Nazg Durbatuluk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul…
Elrond: *rolls eyes*
Legolas: Here we go
again…
Gandalf: Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk…
Boromir: *sits down*
Alright, alright, I get it, already.
Aragorn: *to Boromir*
Let him finish. He only gets to use magic a few times in the films. We might as
well humor him.
Gandalf: Agh Burzum-ishi Krimpatul.
All: *crickets*
Gandalf: I do not ask
for pardon, Master Elrond…
Elrond: Shut up, old
man.
Carl had only blinked once but Gabriel was already gone.
Merry: Carl had closed
his eyes and counted to one hundred, giving Gabriel ample time to find a hiding
place.
Faramir:
Actually, I was nodding off.
The friar took a moment to replay their conversation.
Boromir: He wore out
the VHS that way.
What had Gabriel meant by the last statement?
Elrond: …or any
statement?
His tone of voice had indicated more than just a statement
of love.
Galadriel: Oh, God. We’re
not back to the “Gabriel commits suicide” thing, are we?
Frodo: Good plots
never die.
Galadriel: But as this
is not a good plot, I thought it was buried two chapters ago.
Invention parts forgotten he raced back to the church,
ignoring the rain completely.
Merry: That’s a
coincidence. Pip’s been ignoring the story completely for a while now.
Pippin: What?
Merry: Pay attention,
Pippin.
Pippin: Sorry. I’ve
got one of those “choose your own ending” books. It was just getting good.
~*~
Arwen: Pretty!
He had finally managed the courage to speak with another
about his dilemma. Granted it was not a cardinal, or a bishop,
Boromir: Carl’s such a
pussy.
but it was someone of the cloth that Carl knew would
understand his faith. It just also happened to be a friend he had known for
many years. If anything his friend would be able to set him right.
Sam: It was…Friar
Tuck!
So he explained his situation and waited patiently for his
friend to form his own opinion.
Elrond: Who’s the
friend?
Gandalf: I don’t think
he’s ever named.
Elrond: Well that’s
just a tease.
Arwen: He’s not a
cardinal, or a bishop, but he is a man of the cloth. Hmm…
Aragorn: OMG, it’s the
Pope!
Carl watched the different expressions and silent opinions
formulate on the young man’s face, until finally Carl felt he had reached an
answer.
"If all of us were so lucky,"
Aragorn: Um…
Boromir: Lucky for
what, Carl’s sex drive?
Legolas: *nods* We’re
lucky, alright.
Aragorn: Legolas, I
think we need to have another talk…
He began slowly and cautiously, and Carl remembered he
never said anything that wasn’t worth saying.
Treebeard: Rip off!!!
Faramir: Okay. I see
the validity in that accusation.
Treebeard: “…we never
say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”
Faramir: I already
agreed with you…
Treebeard: Rip off!
Boromir: WE KNOW, you
botanical git!
"The world
would be a far brighter place. It is rare for a man such as Van Helsing to
love, and even more so for him to dote out that love."
Frodo: Dote out that
love?
Elrond: It’s extremely
rare, the skill for doting out love.
"But Gabriel is a man, as am I. The holy book is
strikingly clear
Théoden: Strikingly
clear.
Boromir: In the sense
of, I want to strike everyone in this story with the holy book.
on these maters. To defy the book is to defy God."
"That has always been your problem."
Haldir: So get over it
and shut the fuck up, bitch.
Boromir: *to Haldir*
Nobody talks to my brother that way.
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Except you.
Boromir: Damn straight.
Carl peered questioningly at his friend and waited for him
to continue. "You have always taken the book literally. It is now common
belief that our book is more of a guide line to life, rather than dictation.
Frodo: The
Merry: It seems to
have regressed a bit.
Yes, the bible is clear that a man shall not lie with
another,
Elrond: But don’t take
that literally, or anything.
but there are circumstances you have not considered. Whom
wrote the bible?"
Gandalf: Whom wrote
this story?
Galadriel: Not
Tolkien, that’s for damn sure.
Was it a trick question?
Frodo: Or was it the
daily double?
Carl did not care for anything other than his friend’s
opinion at the moment.
Faramir: Fuck God, fuck
doctrine, I’m going for my friend’s opinion.
Elrond: It’s really
bugging me that I don’t know who this all-knowing friend is.
Sauron: Boo.
"Men, Carl, men of many, many years ago.
Legolas: *sings* “It’s
raining men! Hallelujah! It’s raining men!”
Aragorn: *sings*
“Amen!”
Pippin: …I thought it
was raining rocks?
Merry: Keep up, Pip.
They do not have the right to tell us how to love. We
follow God, and live by the book,
Celeborn: …not
literally…
but God and his way always takes precedence in our lives.
Saruman: *as Unnamed
Friend* And I’ve been using your tin can and He says, “Bugger thy fellow man.”
Boromir: *to Saruman*
Did he say anything about buggering thy brother?
We follow God always before the book. He teaches us that
love is not to be judged, because it is the purest emotion of all. God loves
us, his children, and he forgives us for our many sins. Easily he might turn
his back on us, but because there is love, he withholds judgment until the very
end of our lives.
Haldir: …when he judges
the bejeezus out of us.
Those men who wrote the bible can not judge you unless you
let them."
"What are you saying?" Carl asked desperately.
Elrond: *to Faramir*
Even Glorfindel would have gotten it by now.
Glorfindel: Gotten
what? What’s going on? What are you doing guys, huh? Huh? Can I play?
Elrond: *to Faramir* Nevermind. *mutters*
"Love Gabriel Van Helsing, and be loved. Trust in God
and trust that he will forgive you for that love the same as forgetting a Hail
Mary.
Gandalf: WTF?
Éomer: I think he’s
saying that loving Gabriel is a sin equivalent to forgetting to pray a Hail
Mary.
Elrond: *to Éomer* You
have been following this far too closely.
Let yourself go,
Carl. Let the lord guide you to where you should be in your life."
Frodo: …
Sam: I’ve heard
Carl sputtered and blinked, speechless. He pulled his brown
robes closer to his body. "You’re suggesting?"
Faramir: *slaps
forehead* I hate, hate, HATE this author.
His friend nodded. "Go to him, and we will speak of
this no more.
Frodo: We never speak
of it again. No one knows this hot gay love is here, do they?
This love belongs to
you and Van Helsing, and none other should be privilege to such information.
Gollum: *tortured cry*
Helsing…Gayness!
Most others would not approve, but it is not for them to
judge. Love Van Helsing, love God and love yourself, and nothing else will
matter."
He couldn’t move.
Elrond: Who couldn’t
move?
Pippin: Who’s on
first?
Merry: Don’t even start, Pip.
"Go!"
His heart lurched and he was off, racing through the halls
looking for Gabriel. His fist struck Gabriel’s door with excessive force.
Elrond: Poor door.
"Gabriel Van
Helsing, you open this door immediately."
Merry: *as Carl* You
open this door immediately, young man!
Aragorn: *as Carl* I
know what you’re doing in there, Gabriel Van Helsing!
Legolas: *as Carl* I
know you have a stash of “Big Jugs Monthly” under your mattress!
The door was flung open and a flustered, out of breath Carl
came face to face with a drained and distracted Gabriel.
Faramir: Drained?
Boromir: Guess that
really WAS what he was doing.
"I, uh,"
He stumbled, hands twisting furiously in front of him. "Gabriel--"
The right hand of God merely quirked an eyebrow upward,
Haldir: I thought he
was the left hand of God.
Galadriel: *to Haldir*
God’s ambidextrous.
Haldir: Ahhhh.
secretly pleased
Carl had sought him out, yet confused for the same reason.
"Yes, Carl?"
Without warning Carl launched himself forward, throwing his
arms around Gabriel’s neck. "I am yours,"
Boromir: *as Van
Helsing* Ewww, get the fuck off me, circus freak!
Haldir: Hunchback
cooties!
Faramir: *to Boromir*
We’re like…three lines away from the end. You just couldn’t stop yourself,
could you?
Boromir: *to Faramir*
You know I have no self-control when it comes to you.
Legolas: *to Faramir*
Must be a let down, sex with him always over so quickly.
Boromir: *glares* That
is NOT what I meant…
He whispered,
pressing his face into the taller man’s neck. "If you, Gabriel Van Helsing
will have me."
Éowyn: Don’t have him,
Gabriel! Heed my words of wisdom!
Faramir: Look, bitch,
you’ve got a roof over your head, food in your belly, and you’re married to a
Prince. What more do you want?
Éowyn: A divorce?
Gabriel held him tightly, and that was more than enough of
an answer for Carl.
Gríma: Gross.
Elrond: Is that it? Is
that the way this tripe ends?
TBC . . .
Elrond: Spoke to soon…
Boromir: Oh, no.
Faramir: *sighs* I should
really just fling myself off Ecthelion now.
Frodo: Well, I guess
that’s it for today.
Saruman: None too
soon, either. Now it’ll be a full gallop to Bree.
Sam: Let’s get a move
on, Mr. Frodo.
Merry: Wait for us!
*to Pippin* Skip the refreshments, for once!
Pippin: *mouth full*
But these cream puffs!
Merry: *to Pippin* Put
them in your pockets and follow me.
Sam: I hope Bill can
get us there on time.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: I can always give you a ride on my fell beast.
Sauron: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* I didn’t know you were into hobbits!
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *to Sauron* Really? Halflings have been my weakness for
years.
Sauron: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* Mine too!!!
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *to Sauron* Need a ride to The Prancing Pony?
Sauron: *to Lurtz,
Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* Nah, I’ll watch from my tower. My gaze can
pierce anything. Even her underwear.
Sam: *to Sauron* Now
wait just a minute!
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
What are you up to tonight?
Galadriel: *to Haldir*
I thought I might pain my nails.
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
Wanna paint mine?
Galadriel: *to Haldir*
Same color as last time?
Haldir: *to Galadriel*
You know it.
Galadriel: Fuchsia it
is, then.
Gríma: *to Théoden*
Buy you a drink?
Éomer: *to Théoden*
No, uncle! He’s a snake!
Théoden: *to Éomer*
Well, he was once a man of Rohan.
Éomer: Oh, alright
then. Can I tag along?
Gríma: *to Éomer* Only if you wear that helmet. *purrs*
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Going to Bree, too?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Nah. *shrugs shoulders* These stories depress me. I’m just gonna go back to
Emyn Arnen and endure some more domestic abuse.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
Would it cheer you up if I slipped a whole bottle of laxatives in her spiced
wine?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
…maybe.
Boromir: *to Faramir*
How about if I let you top, afterwards?
Faramir: *to Boromir*
Okay, you’ve sold me. *bounces*
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Meet you back at Minas Tirith?
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Actually, I thought I might take a jaunt to Lothlorien.
It’s manicure night.
Aragorn: *to Legolas,
hanging head in disappointment* Oh.
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
I was hoping you’d come with.
Aragorn: *to Legolas*
Really? *brightens*
Legolas: *to Aragorn*
Really. You’re still my baby.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Aww, cuddlepie.
Legolas: *Eskimo kiss*
Arwen: I am so not
going home tonight.
Elrond: Stay with me
in Imladris. We’ll make some popcorn and bust a gut laughing at “28 Days.”
Gandalf: Well, I’m
off.
Balrog: Come on over
to my place. I’ll cook dinner.
Gandalf: I don’t
know…things didn’t go so well last time we tried that.
Balrog: I’ll make
lasagna, your favorite…
Gandalf: Oh, alright.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Balrog: Seriously?
Letting you smote my ruin on the mountainside was better than five minutes in
the bathroom with that blonde kid with the horn.
Éowyn: See you next
time, folks. Assuming I don’t have a tragic accident before then. Who needs two
eyes, right?
Sauron: Not me.
Glorfindel: Guys? Hey, where’d everybody go? Guys? Hello?