LotR MST—
NOW-STANDARD EXPLANATION: What
follows here is an unabashedly rude, crude, and
sometimes just plain mean MST. Pretty par for the course with MSTs! I followed in the footsteps of the timeless MSTs at The Nancing Pony (www.nancingpony.com)
and Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay (www.veryverygay.com). I hereby present my
humble offering in homage.
It helps if you have seen the
extended editions of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, listened to the
commentary on said extended editions, and have a passing familiarity of the
LotR books. If you’ve read the Very Secret Diaries then you’ll recognize a
couple of the character traits portrayed here. And, with each of my MSTs it grows progressively more useful to have read the
previous ones.
NOW-STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I wrote
this with a lot of love—love for all the characters herein (and I really do
love them) and for the author, LijLover. I have no
idea who LijLover is, but kudos to you, girl (or
boy). Never, ever stop writing. I mean that seriously.
Except, this is a het story, so LijLover—next time
could you write some male on male action? Ta very much.
WARNING: Het!
Onward…
Aragorn: Look, guys…no ‘mpreg.’
Legolas: So it’s safe to come out now? *looks around*
Aragorn: All clear.
Pippin: *popping out from behind his chair* Excellent, then. Welcome, folks, to our ongoing efforts to present commentary for various fictions written by our adoring fans.
Aragorn: This particular fan adores Frodo, as her name is “LijLover.”
Frodo: Ah yes. An admirer of my alter ego, Elijah.
Merry: Lovely chap, that Elijah.
Pippin: Today we have a PG-13…
Boromir: Boo! Hiss!
Pippin: *clears throat* A PG-13 story entitled “A Lonely Heart.”
Boromir: I have a lonely heart.
Legolas: *to Boromir* Wow, that was an unexpected sentiment. What’s going on, bro?
Boromir: Faramir’s MIA.
Sam: When was the last time anybody saw him?
Boromir: In Ithilien, not two days ago.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* What did you do?
Boromir: *to Aragorn* Why do you assume I did something wrong?
Aragorn: *to Boromir, insistently* What did you do?
Boromir: Fine. We had a bit of an argument…
Arwen: And the next object is TMI, TMI.
Boromir: …I refused to, uh, blow his horn.
Elrond: *to Arwen* You’re picking up my gift of foresight, aren’t you?
Arwen: *to Elrond* No, Adar. Too much information’s always a given with Boromir.
Aragorn: Somebody better go look for him. If he breaches contract it’ll be bad news.
Saruman: *to Aragorn* What exactly happens if we breach contract? What’s stopping us from ending this torture?
Éomer: The rights to the entire works of Tolkien and resulting franchise are given over to a thirteen year old girl with a thing for elves and a Mary Sue complex.
Saruman: Oh my God.
Gandalf: I’d rather hand Middle Earth to Sauron and take my chances.
Faramir: *waltzing in* Sorry I’m late. A little retail therapy.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Did you buy me a present?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Hmph. You don’t deserve a present.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You bought me a present, didn’t you?
Faramir: *to Boromir, sheepishly* Yeah, I bought you a present.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* That was generous of you, considering.
Boromir: *to Aragorn* Somebody blew his horn. I can tell.
Legolas: *hums softly*
Théoden: Now that we’ve had the obligatory intro and blowjob discussion, can we get started? I’ve got a hot date with an Oathbreaker tonight and I need my pamper time.
Éowyn: *hic* I’m ready.
Éomer: *to Éowyn* Are you drunk?
Éowyn: *to Éomer* New coping tactic. *hic*
Balrog: Lucky bitch. Do you know how much it takes to get me buzzed?
Gandalf: *to Balrog* You drink Zima, you pansy.
Balrog: *to Gandalf* Well excuuuuse me, Mr. Bartles & Jaymes.
Elrond: *clears throat* And now, “A Lonely Heart,” by LijLover.
A lonely Heart. by
LijLover Rated: PG-13
All: Woo…
I was walking around
my city’s park. I was crying because of the ‘kids’ making fun of me at school.
Legolas: Hang on a minute. How old is this chick?
Aragorn: And why are the kids picking on her?
Legolas: I have a feeling we’re soon going to uncover the answer to that question.
Faramir: And then chime in with the mean kids.
Haldir: Naturally.
The one who picks on
me the most is Morgen Smith.
Boromir: Note to self: Send Morgen Smith a fruit basket.
Pippin: *to Boromir* With apples?
Merry: Shut it, Pip, I’m so not in the mood today.
I don’t know why but
she has ever since the third grade.
Frodo: Morgen is teh worst she’s sew meen 2 me all teh time since like 3rd grade.
Merry: Can U do her kneecaps for me? Kthnx.
I came upon some rocks and sat down. It was night;
I loved the dark but not too much.
Aragorn: *to Arwen* I love you but not too much.
Arwen: *to Aragorn* Thank heavens for that.
“Why does she hate me?
I did nothing to her.*sniff* Why?
Haldir: Jeez, we’re only one paragraph in and I already want to cut the chick.
Faramir: Could be a record. I’ll bring the stopwatch next time. We’ll get you into “Ye Olde Guinness Booke of Middle Earth Records,” yet.
I wish I was some where besides EARTH instead
of here.”
Boromir: Besides EARTH instead of here?
Frodo: Is that a wish to be orbiting EARTH, or what?
Arwen: I think it’s her clumsy way of saying she wishes that she could be anywhere, but not anywhere on Earth—someplace better than the lowly blue planet. She’s being greedy.
Boromir: I can kick her into orbit easily enough.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Catapult!
Boromir: Even better.
Arwen: *slaps brow* Why do I even bother trying to explain these things?
I said out loud, all of a sudden I was
floating above a forest but fell once I looked down.
Gimli: How much you wanna bet Leggy just happens to be in this forest at this very time?
Aragorn: *to Gimli* It’s an inevitability. No deal.
“OUCH!! That hurts!”
Faramir: *to Boromir* If I had a dime for every time I’ve said that around you…
Boromir: Ahh, good times.
I said to myself, I got up and rubbed my rear
Boromir: *to Faramir* That’s what you usually do after you say it, too!
as I started to walk north I think?
Sam: But maybe it was south I think?
Merry: I seriously doubt it was east I think?
Frodo: It’s called a compass, dipshit. Look into it.
Gollum: *to Frodo* It didn’t have a compass in Emyn Muil. The hobbitses needed us to show them out.
Frodo: *to Aragorn* What did you do with that talking stick?
It was day time why?
Arwen: Because it was not night time why?
Elrond: Her sentence structure is all turned around why?
Gandalf: She must’ve nodded off during grammar and composition why?
Am I in Middle-Earth?
Aragorn: Yes, you wrote it that way, now write yourself back home.
I heard in the
distant; horse hooves coming this way.
Éomer: Distant what? Is it the Rohirrim?
Sam: Or maybe the black riders?
Pippin: Guys, I can’t understand this story at all.
Merry: Just hang in there, Pip. None of us can.
I quickly got up in the nearest tree and hid.
Merry: Shrug her off, Treebeard!
Boromir: *to Faramir* You’d spot her and drive an arrow through her skull faster than you could say “tree hugger,” right?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Right. That’s what we Rangers of Ithilien do. Shoot obnoxious little girls out of trees with lightning speed and deadly accuracy.
Boromir: I totally should have paid more attention to archery.
I saw these men rode by but stop once I
snapped a small branch. They pulled out these beautiful bows and arrows after
they stopped there horses.
Elrond: If I start pointing out grammatical and stylistic errors now I have a feeling I’ll feel compelled to carry on for the rest of this story. And then I’ll require sedation.
Frodo: So whaddya say, partner? Worth the risk?
Elrond: *deep breath* Their, not there. Procured, drew, or produced instead of pulled out…
Boromir: Hah. Pulled out.
Elrond: *to Boromir* You’re about one step away from shifting from “The Lord of the Rings” to “Beavis n’ Butthead.”
I could not stop looking at there bows and
ears, they were pointed like the elves in Lord of the Rings, but that was a
movie. It does not exist ….does it?
Arwen: *pointing at her ears*
Legolas: I have bows and ears, therefore I exist.
Aragorn: That’s kinda sorta philosophical. *beams at Legolas*
Saruman: Would it do any good whatsoever for me to point out that the elves in “Lord of the Rings” existed first in the books, then in the movies?
Elrond: Nah. I’m not sure “book” is a word in her vocabulary.
One of them shoot an
arrow my way,
Elrond: Aiming squarely for the verb tense confusion…
as I ran off the branch and landed on the
ground on my feet, like a cat.
Éomer: Incredibly sharp feline reflexes!
Galadriel: I smell a Mary Sue a-brewin’.
I looked up and saw that the men or “elves”
Haldir: Pshaw. We are most definitely more than men dressed up as elves in quotation marks. She’s seen the movie. Hello? “Immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings,” much?
Legolas: *to Haldir* I have a feeling this girl’s really gonna bother you.
Haldir: *to Legolas* I have a feeling the bother’s gonna be mutual. I just saw the word “Mirkwood.” Well, actually, it was spelled “Mrikwood,” but you get where I’m going with this, right?
Legolas: Fucking Mrikwood. I’m about 5 seconds away from opening a can of Silvan whoopass on this kid.
pointed there arrows at me, in my face. I
stood up and looked at each of them. *They are from Mrikwood!
Legolas: No! They’re really not!
Am I really in Middle-Earth?*
Frodo: Please, God. Make her not really in Middle-Earth.
I thought to myself. They looked at me and
said something in what I got out was Elvish.
Pippin: I can’t understand any of this *whines*.
Merry: Pippin, listen up! If you don’t give this an honest try you’ll end up with a thirteen year old Mary Sue scripting your every move, every word…every everything! Just think about that. Playing puppet on the strings of a teenybopping fan fic writer …Actually…Nevermind. Slack off. Break contract.
Frodo: *to Merry* That’s awful advice!
Merry: *to Frodo* But can you imagine Pippin scripted by a pubescent Mary Sue?
Frodo: Hmm…Go ahead Pip, Slack off. Break contract.
Saruman: Need I remind you half-pints that if we breach contract we ALL end up at the mercy of the thirteen year old girl?
Merry: *hastily pats Pip’s head* Back to plan A. Do your best to follow along.
“What is your name?
Who are you?” asked one of them in a gentle tone.* I think that is Legolas? I
really don’t know?*
Aragorn: *smugly* Said it was inevitable.
I thought I gave him a feared looked
Legolas: *as author* But much to my dismay, I actually gave him a “shoot me, I dare you” look.
and said “My name is Victoria Wilson, I am
from Earth.
Pippin: …take me to your leader?
Merry: *to
Pippin* ‘Atta boy.
And if I am not
missing taken I am a human.”
Celeborn: She doesn’t even know if she’s human?
Galadriel: Perhaps that’s because there’s a chance she might be missing taken.
I did not make any eye contact at ALL.
Legolas: Not at ALL.
Aragorn: Not even a little BIT.
Legolas: Which is a shame really, because otherwise I’m wearing these fucking blue contacts for nothing.
“Do you have any weapons?
Legolas: Ah, I was on customs duty that day.
And we won’t hurt you now, you can look up at us.”
He asked me. To this I did and said “No
I do not, and I mean you NO harm Prince Legolas of Mrikwood.”
Aragorn: Ah, wait. This story isn’t about you, Leggy, it’s about that other Legolas, you know—the prince of Mrikwood?
Legolas: I hate it when people mistake me for him.
The arrows went up once I said that and I got
scared again.
Legolas told them to
lower there weapon
Gandalf: One enormous, multi-user bow with many arrows.
Saruman: Not a half bad idea, that. *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* Make a note for next time we try to crush the world of men, m’kay?
and walked forward to me. He still had his bow
and arrow ready to fire at me if I did something stupid to him.
Legolas: I’m glad I recovered from that “relax, we won’t hurt you” thing.
I looked at him in those beautiful blue elvish
eyes.
Faramir: *to Legolas* See? The contacts are paying off.
Legolas: *to Faramir* So much that I’m thinking about taking them out. Or taking my eyes out. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
“How do you know my name, milady?” he asked me
as I moved his arrow away from my chest
Haldir: *to Legolas* Haha, lightweight. You lot didn’t try that with the Lorien elves.
Legolas: *to Haldir* We were too stunned by your roots and that tacky wrap-around shawl.
and said “I know your
name because in my world there is this movie called ‘Lord of the Rings’ and I
know what will happen once you go on the quest.”
Aragorn: Oh God.
Boromir: We know where this is going, don’t we?
Frodo: Straight down the toilet.
Faramir: Well, that was a given.
He was shocked as ever
Gandalf: If you’ve only just met someone, how do you know when they’re shocked as ever?
Elrond: She’s seen the movies.
but understood what I said.
Merry: Which is a feat, because I haven’t understood a word this chick’s written, yet.
“You can ride with me, milady. I guess you
know where we are going then?” he asked me, it took me a second
Boromir: Hahaha. Real braniac, this one.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *to Boromir* Are you really the one to be casting that particular stone?
Faramir: *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* Oi. I’m the only one who’s earned the right to berate my brother’s intelligence.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *to Faramir* Or lack thereof?
Faramir: Exactly.
and I nodded a yes.
Legolas mounted his
horse; dapple or flea-bitten I think?
Arwen: Seriously. WTF is the point of adding in a detail like horse color if you’re just going to give a multiple-choice selection and cap it off with ‘I think?’?
Haldir: But if she didn’t, we’d have missed out on the chance to see the words “flea-bitten” associated with Legolas.
I mounted in front of him
Aragorn: *to Legolas* That must’ve been traumatic.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Put me off females forever.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Is it too late to put in another fruit basket order?
Boromir: *to Aragorn* What, for the bully?
Aragorn: *to
Boromir* No, for
and we road off.
Elrond: Or rode.
Gandalf: Whatev.
*I guess he doesn’t mind if I ride up front
does he?
Faramir: He never minds with me.
Boromir: Or with me.
Gimli: Me either.
Aragorn: *fingers in ears* LALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Oh well, I love horses.
Arwen: Ah, she’s a Rohan!
Théoden: Don’t sic her on us! Haven’t my people suffered enough?
Éomer: *to Théoden* Uh, they’re actually MY people now.
Théoden: *to Éomer* Over my dead body, Éadig.
Éomer: *to Théoden* Well…yeah, actually.
They are beautiful creatures beside ORCS!
YYUUKK!!* I thought and shivered.
Haldir: *horrified* Is she suggesting elves are only beautiful in side-by-side comparison with orcs?
Boromir: Hahaha. I’m kinda liking this chick, now.
Legolas noticed this and moved closer to me.
Legolas: No, I didn’t. Honest. You believe me, fellas…right?
The others got on
there horses; two were in the front, back and both sides of Legolas and I.
Boromir: Kinky.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Reminds me of that night in Emyn Arnen, when Legolas had the thing…
Boromir: *to Faramir* And Merry and Pippin were visiting, and they brought that stuff…
Faramir: *to Boromir* Hah. Legolas couldn’t walk for days!
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Was that the time he fell off his horse and twisted his ankle?
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Er, yes, pumpkin. That was the time.
I leaned back into his chest after he nodded
for me to.
Haldir: *to Legolas* You SO have Mary Sue cooties.
I was tired as hell, after 5 minutes into this
ride.
Éomer: Pathetic, really.
I jerked my head up as
the birds stop singing, everything was dead quite.
Frodo: But tragically, not quite dead.
Legolas saw or heard this and stopped his
horse.
Éomer: Saw or heard. He’s not fussy with those keen elf senses.
Éowyn: *hic*
He drew his bow, and arrow ready for anything,
but the birds started to sing a little.
Gandalf: And the point of all that was…?
Crebain from Dunland: *to Gandalf* To throw us a bone, bitch. Back off.
He relaxed as I did
Legolas: Because my state of alertness is dependent upon hers. Riiight.
and snuggled into his chest.
Arwen: *to Legolas* You are going to need the longest, hottest shower ever.
Legolas: *to Arwen* I plan on scrubbing myself raw.
*He smells like pine trees
Merry: Gives me hay fever, really.
Pippin: *to Merry* Remember that time with Legolas, in that place…
Merry: *to Pippin* The one with the big thing with the suction cups?
Pippin: *to Merry* You sneezed about four thousand times, that day.
Merry: *to Pippin* You laughed so hard you wet yourself.
Frodo: *to Merry* That’s not what wet his trousers.
Aragorn: I hate all of you.
and something else but what? Something sweet
but not to sweet………like rain.
Saruman: The acid rain of Isengard.
And also he looks exactly like
Elrond: Imagine that.
Legolas: I hate it when people mistake me for him.
* I thought to myself and smiled.
“The enemy is gone my
Prince you can put your bow and arrow away now.”
Haldir: *to
Legolas* Whatever would you do without
Legolas: *to Haldir* I’m gonna burn down the woods of Lothlorien, you know that?
I said with my friendly smile.
Legolas: …which made Legolas vomit violently.
He looked down at me and nodded but, did not
return the smile.
Boromir: Rude bastard.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Been giving him lessons, eh?
Boromir: *to Faramir* He’s a fast learner.
*That was rude and
that does not helps me much!*
Sméagol: This story does not helps us much, precious.
Frodo: *to Sméagol* You’re wearing the anti-nausea patch, right?
Sméagol: Yes, Master. Good Sméagol does what Master says. But Master, is it meants to break us out in bumps that oozes?
Sam: *to Frodo* Nobody wants to see Gollum suffer as much as I do, but you have to make him take that thing off.
Merry: *to Frodo* Yeah, those bumps are seriously distracting.
Frodo: *sighs* Fine, but if he starts puking, you guys are mopping up.
I thought again but smiled once he had his
hands on mine.
Boromir: *to Legolas* You smooth operator, you.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* As your king, I forbid you from ever talking to my boyfriend again.
Boromir: *to Aragorn* No worries. We never bother talking when we’re…
Faramir: *to Aragorn* Gardening. When they’re gardening.
“Where is the enemy? And where is it or they
are heading to?” he asked me,
Legolas: Dude, I speak way more coherently than this.
Haldir: *to Legolas* Yeah, but that lisp you’re developing is ruining your credibility.
Legolas: *to Haldir* Go. Be at peace.
Haldir: …
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Damnit, how did that work with the army of the dead?
I thought for awhile
Galadriel: Somebody needs to upgrade her CPU.
and answered him in a low whisper “To the
shire ….Frodo.”
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Rip off!!!
Boromir: Shire, Baggins, we get it. You can’t really expect originality, can you?
Gríma: Oh I
dunno, that sex scene with
Théoden: Tolkien totally meant to write that into the first book, but he forgot.
“To the Shire why?
Sauron: Because it’s prettier than Mordor why?
Sam: Because she has a thing for fuzzy feet why?
Aragorn: Why DO people have a thing for fuzzy feet?
Merry: *to Aragorn* Ask your elvish princeling.
And who is Frodo?”
Pippin: Frodo is Keyser Soze!
Merry: Wow…you’re on top of things after all, Pip!
asked one of the other elves
Glorfindel: *tugging on Elrond’s sleeve* Was it me? Huh? Am I in this story? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Elrond: You’re never in these stories, Glorfindel.
Gandalf: *to Glorfindel* In order to write a story about you these authors would have had to actually read the books.
Glorfindel: …books?
Elrond: Thus ends my effort at sensible conversation with Glorfindel, as I’ve now met my annual quota.
“The One Ring has been found that is why you
guys are heading to Rivendell right? And Frodo is and will be the ring barer.”
Merry: Ring barer. Flashing himself at the One Ring.
Arwen: Bearing the ring stark naked.
Aragorn: As if we needed any more distractions en route to Mordor.
Sauron: *to Aragorn* You guys screwed around enough as it was.
I said and mention for Legolas to make camp in
a under growth place.
Arwen: Ew.
Boromir: “to make camp in a under growth place” = worst euphemism for het sex, ever.
Elrond: And the least grammatical.
“Stay here I will be
fine! Just want to ride ahead!” I shouted once he got off.
Boromir: Hahahahaha, God. That sentence is hilarious in so many ways.
Faramir: Says a lot about the prince’s sexual prowess, doesn’t it?
Legolas: Why couldn’t Denethor have had a low sperm count?
He did not know that I had his or one of the
others sword with me.
Gríma: This chick really knows how to make up her mind, doesn’t she?
How I got it I don’t know how?
Saruman: How we got here I don’t know how?
Aragorn: How our lawyers let us sign this contract I don’t know how?
I rode for hours but found Frodo trying to run
from his life away from a black rider “FRODO RUN THE OTHER WAY BEFORE HE GETS
THE RING!!!” I shouted to him
Frodo: Gee, thanks for the tip. Asshat.
and it worked and he
ran towards to others, I turned ‘my’ horse around and galloped quickly back to
camp.
On my way back I ran
into some Esther flowers
Elrond: Poor flowers.
Treebeard: What the fuck are “Esther flowers”?
Sam: A great name for an old lady hobbit, mind you.
and picked some while Bezel ran.
Elrond: She picked flowers from atop the horse?
Arwen: Tall flowers.
Legolas: Who the fuck is “Bezel”?
Once I got there one of the other elves
started to yell at me because I was gone to long. “WHERE WERE YOU!!?? WHY DID
YOU RIDE UP AHEAD!!??” I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears.
Sméagol: It’s a
good look, yessss.
Legolas saw this and told him to back off; I
was not one of his children or friends to be yelled at.
Aragorn: That was a particularly abusive elf.
Faramir: Must’ve been Haldir.
I got off of Bezel and
walked over to a tree and claimed it.
Frodo: Like a dog?
Merry: I had a sneaking suspicion this chick was a dog.
Boromir: Legolas never lands the pretty ones.
I was in the tallest
branch away from them and I started to cry. *Why dose every one have to yell at
me?
Elrond: Let me count the reasons…
Do they know that I have super keen since of
hearing?
Gandalf: And the Mary Sue-ing continues.
Legolas: Because it takes a super keen sense of hearing to pick up on someone YELLING at you.
Do they know what I can hear? * I thought to
myself. Legolas looked up at me since he yelled that elf to not yell at anyone
that is in his camp, only to yell if it is an orc or something worse.
Arwen: Oy vey, with the yelling already.
Pippin: Legolas
yelled at an elf for yelling at
Gandalf: Surprisingly correct, Peregrin Took.
Merry: Actually, I wasn’t so clear on that myself. Ta, Pip.
Pippin: *to Merry* Do I get an apple now?
Merry: No, Pip.
“Lady
Legolas: On second thought, please stay up there.
WE will not yell at you, I promise. Please?”
Boromir: Wimps. Let me at her.
Faramir: *to Boromir* We’ve only been at this monogamy thing a week and you’re already perving on teenaged girls?
he asked but as stubborn as I was, I did not
come down.
Legolas: Fine by me. We ride for Rivendell, boys!
So he claimed up to me
Aragorn: Not more leg-lifting…
Treebeard: Elves do have a nasty habit of doing that unless they’re neutered young.
and looked at me dead straight in the eye.
“Klahowya will not yell at you anymore.
Haldir: Klahowya? What kind of names are they doling out in the Mirkwood these days, anyway?
Elrond: I think it’s rather catchy. Klahowyadoin, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Klahowyalikeyoureggs?
Merry: Klahowyagetoutofthiscontract?
And if he does he will be going back home to
Mrikwood.
Legolas: At this point I am doubting “Mrikwood” is a spelling error. This chick actually thinks Mirkwood’s spelled that way.
Can you please come
down, you can stick by me if you like?”
Legolas: Don’t worry folks, I have an industrial-strength solvent in my saddle bag.
he asked me, I looked away from his eyes and
said “I am afraid of heights.
Gríma: Then why the hell does she keep climbing trees?
Merry: I see
she’s had an incident with Treebeard already.
You can laugh I don’t
care anymore. Go ahead tease me until I break down crying again, I don’t care
anymore.”
Boromir: Okay, sounds like fun!!!
He looked at me and
was shocked that I was afraid of heights even though I can claim up a tree like
lighting, if I wanted too. And to tell him to tease me.
Legolas: That look wasn’t shock, it was the onset of a boredom coma.
“I will not laugh, nor
my companions, Lady Victoria. I will help you down if you want me to?” he said
in a gentle but serous tone.
Legolas: I’ll just attach some hithlain rope to this arrow here…aim squarely for her chest…I’ll have her down in no time.
I nodded a yes; I looked down and looked at
Legolas for help. “Do not look down, looked at something else like a tree or my
horse.”
Legolas: But whatever you do, don’t look at me. For fuck’s sake.
He said to sooth my fears, so I looked at him.
Aragorn: HE SAID “DON’T LOOK AT ME,” BITCH!
Legolas: Whoa, honeybun, take it easy. *snuggles*
Aragorn: I’m getting a little tired of everyone usurping my elf.
Once we were on the
ground I hugged him.
Boromir: I bet she did! *to Legolas* You saucy thing.
I think he was
surprised by it but in seconds he returned the hug. “Thank you, and if it is
all right by you, that I stick to you instead of them?” I asked him, he smiled
and nodded.
Legolas: Only because I wasn’t paying attention.
Aragorn: Proof the old “nod and smile” trick is always a gamble.
Gamling: Did somebody call me?
Théoden: Gamling, darling! *kiss, kiss*
Éomer: I wish he’d stop turning up. He’s so third age.
Éowyn: *hic*
I smiled but faded
into a frown. *How will I get back home? Where is my backpack? OH! DUH!! It’s
on my back!*
Sam: Hahaha. Even I never did that.
Frodo: I repeat. Asshat.
I thought and took it off and looked through it.
I found the Lord of the Rings books, all four of them.
Elrond: Oh my God, books!
Gandalf: Still with their cellophane wrappers.
Elrond: Wait. All four of them?
Saruman: Apparently the concept of a “trilogy” went right over her head.
Sam: Clearly she’s counting “The Hobbit.”
Merry: About time someone did.
Peter Jackson: Don’t look at me!
My CD player and my CD
holder, my binder (filled with lots of paper) and pencils.
Gandalf: It’s a little known fact that all of those items are devastatingly effective in countering marauding orcs.
“Ooohhh booyy. I
didn’t pack any clothes. Man!”
Aragorn: She’s been naked this whole time, or what?
Legolas: Can I have Sméagol’s patch?
I said to myself, and
then I felt eyes on me. I quickly looked up at the others and gave every single
one of them a death kick my ass glare.
Haldir: Which immediately had every single one of them rolling on the floor, laughing.
Théoden: Legolas laughed so hard he cried.
Legolas: No, I was just crying at the entire situation.
They looked away and
went back to there business. Legolas understood my death glare
Boromir: Because he receives the death glare quite frequently from Aragorn.
Faramir: *to Boromir* He really does, doesn’t he?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Maybe we’d best keep our hands off Legolas for a while.
Aragorn: FINALLY.
and went through his
pack too. He came over and handed me his clothes, pants and a t-shirt I think.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Now YOU’RE naked?
Haldir: *to Galadriel* The story sucks, but the ongoing Aragorn/Legolas soap opera is entertaining.
Galadriel: *to Haldir* Something to discuss over the water cooler.
I looked up and saw
his clothes and said “No I can’t take your clothes.” “You should, if you want
to smell like an orc once we get into Rivendell?
Haldir: *to Legolas* Haha, your clothes smell like an orc.
Legolas: *whines* Why is everybody always picking on me??? Where’s a good tree to climb when I need it?
Treebeard: *to Legolas, lecherously* You could always climb me.
Aragorn: Does anybody have a torch?
Go ahead and take them.” He said and forced me
to take them and walked away. I looked in my hand I thought he gave me pants
and a t-shirt but instead I get a really nice beautiful dress.
Boromir: *to Legolas* That was your best dress, and all.
Arwen: I always admired that dress.
Elrond: Me too.
“Wow, thanks.” I said in a whisper for him to
hear. It was a navy blue woodland elf dress with a light blue out line of
leaves.
Legolas: *sighs wistfully*
I quickly ran behind a
tree and changed out of my clothes; skin tight pants and a skin tight shirt.
Boromir: Mrow!
Faramir: *to Boromir* And I was just starting to like you again.
Boromir: *to Faramir* No worries, little bro, I was mrowing at how good they’d look on you.
And into the skin
tight beautiful Mirkwood dress.
Aragorn: Skin tight?
Legolas: Nevermind that, look—she spelled “Mirkwood” correctly!
Celeborn: Pity we haven’t a bottle of bubbly to celebrate.
Once I came out of
hiding every male elf, had there mouths open, even Legolas.
Arwen: Oh come off it already, Mary Sue.
Legolas: Our mouths were agape in shock at how badly the dress fitted her.
Aragorn: That’s right, now I remember. It wasn’t intended to be a skin-tight gown…
I felt my blood to rush to my face, as I
looked away. *Ok you guys can stop looking at ME! God damn, I am just a human
girl!!* I thought to myself.
Frodo: Oh, snap!
Merry: You go, girl!
I walked up to Legolas
and said “Can you and your companions stop looking at me please? And were did
you get this dress?!
Legolas: 1) Gladly and 2) I sewed it myself.
Haldir: *to Legolas* McCall’s pattern?
I have to say that it is beautiful then any
other dresses that I have seen in my world.” “Sorry about that, it is just that
you look like an elf but you are a human.”
Aragorn: And everywhere elves began to wither.
He said, I smiled at that and said “Well ..some
of my friends said that I look, act, and speak like an elf. Not in elvish
language
Gandalf: Because she is way lacking in requisite intelligence.
Elrond: And she can barely speak English, to boot.
but give out wisdom to
those who need it or not.
Boromir: *to Galadriel* Bit like you.
Galadriel: *to Gandalf* Can’t you turn that blonde brat into something unnatural?
It is my words that the person can or can not
want to take my wisdom.
Legolas: Uh. What?
Haldir: *to Legolas* Clearly her wisdom is beyond you.
It is up to them if
they want it or not.”
Elrond: Did “Schoolhouse Rock” ever have a song about redundancy?
Legolas was surprised again at my wisdom
Boromir: Haha, old Leggy.
and said “Because you speak elvish wisdom that
is why and would you like something to eat milady?”
Aragorn: What does elvish wisdom have to do with eating?
Sam: Yeah! It’s hobbit wisdom that governs all things culinary.
Pippin: I’m hungry.
Merry: *to Pippin* You always are.
Pippin: *to Merry* Just one apple? A half an apple?
Merry: I’m going to ignore you now, Pippin.
“One: please don’t
call me that,
Éomer: Because she is a tough chick and wants to be called something more appropriate.
Aragorn: Like “butch.”
Haldir: Or “bad drag queen.”
Théoden: Both Éowyn’s childhood nicknames, incidentally.
Éowyn: *hic*
Two: yes I would
and………” I didn’t finish my sentce because something was wrong the birds are
awfully quite.
Gandalf: Or quite awful.
Crebain from Dunland: *to Gandalf* Look, just because that “special” crebain got stuck in your beard doesn’t give you good reason to go on at all of us.
To quite, then an Orc
arrow sailed through the air and was headed towards Legolas’s back. I shoved
him
Legolas: *scoffs* Never once has an orc arrow come remotely close to hitting me.
Haldir: *to Legolas* And that’s a matter of pride for you?
Legolas: *to Haldir* Uruk blade? I could see that coming from a league away.
as the orc arrow hit
my chest, I could smell the poisons from the arrow.
Boromir: *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* Took you long enough.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: *to Boromir* We were still recovering from kicking the shit out of you.
Boromir: *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* If this poisoned arrow turns out to be fatal, I might just forgive you for that.
“My prince ride ahead
and take Lady
Aragorn: Because her Trapper Keeper was way too important to leave behind.
Legolas: Fuck the poison coursing through her veins, she’s got one of those pencils with the little fuzzy-haired trolls on top.
and mounted his horse and rode off.
I could feel my body
shouting down from the arrow and pulled it out of my chest.
Frodo: Her body’s shouting down?
Merry: *to Frodo* Out-of-body experience. Near death and all that.
Frodo: Those are SO passé.
Galadriel: The trend now is to pass out, end up in a Lothlorien dreamscape, and watch me do my Jesus imitation.
We rode heard and did
not stop for anything.
Aragorn: Utterly misspelled but still: RIP OFF!!!
Arwen: *to Aragorn* What are you complaining about? I’m the one who rode hard and didn’t look back.
Frodo: *to Arwen* Except that you looked back.
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: I’m too hot to resist.
I looked behind us and
saw the others coming.
Boromir: Sounds messy.
Gandalf: *to Faramir* Can you not control him?
Faramir: *to Gandalf* No, I prefer to bottom.
Elrond: *to Arwen* Faramir’s on the TMI bandwagon these days, too.
Then I looked at
Legolas, he looked at me and could tell that I was dying in his arms,
Aragorn: …and cheered.
Legolas: Really, really wish we had that bottle of bubbly.
if he did not make his horse go any faster.
Then I could feel the darkness over powering my body.
“
Legolas: In the sense that I do.
he said in a scared
voice. I tried to keep awake but my body and my eyes were too weak. “
Arwen: Go Bezel!
Everything went black,
I saw black all around me.
Elrond: Maybe we should write a song about redundancy.
But then I am running
from what looks like an eye, but not just any eye, The Great EYE.
Sauron: Oh, fuck.
I could feel its flames all over my body.
Boromir: *to Sauron* Perv.
I ran until I found myself in this beautiful
field with elves every where.
Galadriel: See? It’s all the rage now.
I kept running away
from the Great EYE.
Sauron: My EYE was so close, so close to achieving its goal.
Gandalf: *to Sauron* Dominion over all life?
Sauron: *to Gandalf* No. Murdering this Mary Sue and ending the story.
Saruman: *to Sauron* If you only had legs, you’d be kicking her ass.
“My Lord will she be
all right?” asked one of the elf maidens of Rivendell. “I do not know, Airey.
Legolas: These names suck.
I only hope she finds the light soon….”said
Lord Elrond
Elrond: Because I couldn’t be arsed to coax her back with “lasto beth nin, tolo dan nan galad.”
as another elf maiden
came in and said “My Lord, Frodo Baggins has woken.”
Frodo: No, no, please…just let me sleep through this one…
“Thank you, Yenisey.
Legolas: These names suck.
Merry: *to Legolas* Duly noted, dude.
I will be there soon.” He said to her in a
gentle tone. I was sweating and was about to scream but jerked up in a sitting
passion, my eyes wide as ever of fear.
Elrond: *bangs head against the wall*
“Where am I?” I asked
and looked around scared. “You are in Rivendell, Lady Victoria. Rest for now
you need to regain your strength.” Said Lord Elrond.
Aragorn: *to Elrond* Why? You’re not planning on sticking her with the Fellowship, are you? Because I’m not above chucking the shards of Narsil at you.
I nodded and went back
to sleep. “Do not let any one in except Arwen, Legolas and
Arwen: *to Legolas* If this was reality, we’d never visit her.
Boromir: *to Arwen* If this was reality, Aragorn would have Legolas chained to his headboard.
Good day Ladies.” He
said and walked down the hallway to Frodo’s chamber. Lady Airey closed the door
behind her and went to tell the guard to not let any one in except Legolas,
Princess Arwen and Lord Elrond.
Legolas: Where’s my prefix? Hmm? Prince Legolas, much?
She took all my
clothes to get wash.
Elrond: Are we sure English is her first language?
That afternoon I slept
but woke up at midnight; to find Legolas, looking up at the stars, on the
balcony.
Boromir: …flat on his back beneath Strider.
I got of bed and
walked over to him. “What are you doing here?” I asked him, he turned around
and said “I came to
Legolas: Well, not yet, but leave me alone with Aragorn and we’ll see to it.
check up on you but I
found my answer so I left you to sleep in peace. And what are you doing out of
bed?” “I had slept all day and well you would not understand.”
Haldir: Legolas would not understand the mechanics that propel a body through the incredibly complicated task of rising from bed.
I said and looked up at the stars, I thought
about Elijah being Frodo and Orlando being Legolas but I only new them for a
year and I missed them.
Frodo: What the fuck?
Legolas: You mean…she’s writing herself into Elijah’s and Orlando’s lives, as well?
Merry: It is the worse case of Mary Sue-ism I have ever seen.
Legolas saw the
distances in my eyes. He came forward and put his hand on my face.
Legolas: Gross.
I looked down from the stars and looked at
him, he smiled. I tilted my head as he lowered his face to mine.
Legolas: I wouldn’t kiss this chick if my life depended on it.
Boromir: *to Faramir* ‘Bout the only thing he won’t kiss.
Aragorn: *to Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar* I am so sorry I stopped you from piercing his skull—it’s a memory I’d like to have, right about now.
We were inches away
until Princess Arwen came in and asked us “What are you doing out of bed, Lady
Legolas: *to Arwen* Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Arwen: *to Legolas* You so owe me.
We both jumped but I
landed on the ground
Elrond: For the first time in history someone interpreted the old “jump” startle response literally.
Legolas: Hang on. Is she implying I didn’t land on the ground?
Haldir: *to Legolas* I always knew you were a closet klutz.
and looked up at her and Legolas, then I felt
pain in my left leg and chest.
Boromir: *looks hopeful*
Faramir: *to Boromir* Don’t get too excited, Boromir. You know these things just end in disappointment.
Boromir: *to Faramir* The glass is half full, little brother.
Arwen came over as she
saw the pain on my face. She helped me up and I leaned on her for support. “Just
talking that’s all, Princess Arwen.” I choked out as I was about to cry.
Legolas saw this and picked me up and walked over to my bed and gently as he
could put me down on my bed and put the covers over my body and then the tears
came down my face. *God damn it hurts!!! Why did I do this to myself?!!?* I
thought to myself as I cried.
All: *yawn*
Arwen told Legolas to
go find her father but he was already by my side and told her not to do that to
any one once they are wounded.
Arwen: I thought it was a good plan at the time…
She nodded and helped her father as Legolas
held my hand. An hour later I fell asleep as Legolas, Lord Elrond, and Princess
Arwen just finished me.
Aragorn: Oh, disgusting. *to Legolas* Had I known this was going on in Rivendell I would never have hooked up with you.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Had I known you were going to get me pregnant I would never have hooked up with you!
Aragorn: *to Legolas* You’re the one who raped me and stuck me with your freakishly big fetus!
Legolas: *to Aragorn* YOU ATE MY CAKE, YOU BASTARD!
Haldir: Damn, I wish I had some popcorn. It’s getting good!
And they were tired
Elrond: Except that elves don’t tire.
Gandalf: Don’t lets quibble over details. If we don’t finish this soon I think Aragorn and Legolas might just kill each other.
Lord Elrond told to
Arwen to come and let us, Legolas and me, to be left alone. She nodded and left
with her father.
“
Legolas: No, we’re really not.
even though she is a
princess.
Pippin: When did that happen?
Merry: It’s the big plot twist, Pip.
Frodo: *as Matt Foley* Well la-dee-frickin-da.
When are you going to tell her? She is the
ledagen
Celeborn: What the fuck’s a ledagen?
Merry: I think it’s something like Shelob, only hairier.
Éomer: Did you know that “a legend” is an anagram for ledagen?
Merry: As is “gleaned.”
Pippin: And “a den leg.”
Sam: And “Edna gel.”
Merry: And “dang eel.”
Sam: And “DNA glee.”
Pippin: And “lag need.”
Merry: And, grammatically incorrect as it is, “an ledge.”
Frodo: I’d like to push her off “an ledge.”
and you know what happens if do not tell her,
soon.
Legolas: With any luck, she’ll explode.
But is she the race of us? She has this sense
that no elf could feel once the enemy is near, then we feel it.
Elrond: *slaps Arwen* Start making sense, girl!
But will she come to
the council?”
Boromir: Not if I have anything to do with it. *brandishes blade*
asked Princess Arwen
“Yes I will but not know, after the council then I will tell her but for now we
need to sleep.”
Elrond: Except, we don’t.
He said and went to his daughter’s room
Boromir: *to Elrond* Perv.
then after saying good night in elvish to her
Gandalf: Thank God she made that distinction.
Saruman: Totally.
and he then went to his own chamber.
Legolas still held my
hand as he slept,
Legolas: I’m just gonna go ahead and amputate that hand.
I woke up and was about to scream but
remembered that elves sleep with there eyes open.
Gandalf: Rip off!
I got out of bed (BIG
no no!)
Elrond: (BIG stylistic no no!)
Arwen: *to Elrond* Artistic freedom.
Gríma: *to Arwen* Don’t start defending her or Tolkien might exercise artistic freedom and erase you.
and put Legolas in my
bed after trying not to wake him up.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* WTF, was she carrying you?
Boromir: Well, that’d explain where he landed when he jumped.
Then I got in as well
and went back to sleep.
In the Morning I felt
a warm body with an arm wrapped around my waist, and then I forgot that Legolas
was sleeping in my bed.
Elrond: She has an incredibly poor memory.
Gandalf: Even for a ledagen.
I turned over and saw him smiling at me, *Why
is he smiling at me? I am not that beautiful as an elf am I? Well I would have
to find out soon.* I thought to myself
and smiled back “Hey.
Faramir: I totally lost track of the number of times Tolkien had his characters greet each other with “hey.”
Saruman: *to Faramir* It may come as a surprise to you, but this story wasn’t penned by Tolkien.
How did you sleep?” I
asked “I slept fine but how did I get in your bed? I really do not remember.”
Aragorn: Her amnesia is contagious.
Legolas: And yet, not as severe as I’d hoped.
Boromir: *to Legolas* It would’ve been great if you’d completely forgotten who she was and, in a fit of confusion, ran her through.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Now now, dearest. We’re working on those violent impulses.
Boromir: *to Faramir, hanging head* Sorry.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Just breathe, it’ll pass.
Aragorn: *to Boromir* Stick with me, I’ll enable you.
He asked “I put you in my bed that way you
would not freeze to death
Elrond: Except that elves aren’t bothered by the cold.
or be sour in the
morning from setting in that chair.
Haldir: …or not bathing in a life-age.
And thanks for comforting me last night.” I
said “That is alright but do you love………me?” he asked
Legolas: …with dread.
and that struck my
heart badly, I do not know why but it did. The next thing took both of us by
surprise, I kissed him.
Legolas: Gah…this patch…isn’t working…
Haldir: Little Legolas, turning all kinds of green.
Sméagol: We’ll gets the mop, precious. Good Sméagol always helps.
It took about 5 seconds for him to return the
kiss. He licked the bottom of my lip, I let him enter my mouth and let him
explored it.
Boromir: This is thoroughly repulsive.
Aragorn: *shields eyes* Tell me when it’s over!
Then we heard a knock
at the door. My eyes snapped open as he jerked up and looked at the door and
saw Princess Arwen standing there.
Legolas: *to Arwen* My savior. I could totally tongue you right now.
Arwen: *to Legolas* Please don’t.
Legolas: *to Arwen* Sorry, I was all warmed up.
I hid under the covers
and blushed badly, so did Legolas and Arwen. “YES? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” I said
in an empress’s tone.
Arwen: At which point, I bitch-slapped her.
Boromir: Go Arwen!
She said “Please get
dressed and come down to the dining hall for breakfast or you can eat up here.
But father wants you to come to the council today.”
Gandalf: *to Elrond* This is going to make me hate you, isn’t it?
Elrond: *to Gandalf* It’s going to make me hate myself.
Legolas eyes grew wide
and then got up and ran out the door and ran to his chamber to get change.
Haldir: …to use the pay phone to ring his daddy.
Legolas: Damn straight, I was begging for him to come pick me up.
Arwen and I just
laughed at the elf that hurried out of bed and ran to his chamber to change.
I got out very slowly
and got changed into one of the dresses that were the same one that Legolas
handed me in the woods.
Arwen: Because it was such a hit in Rivendell we filled our closets with dresses of precisely the same design.
Elrond: *to Arwen* Legolas really did look fetching at that Midsummer’s Eve ball, didn’t he?
I picked out a dark green or blue with gold
from the sleeves and on the edges of the dress. I didn’t mind wearing dresses
but sometimes I hated them.
Frodo: I both mind and hate her in dresses. Or anything else.
I walked down to the
dining hall with Princess Arwen after she did my hair,
Arwen: Little known fact that I operated the only salon in Rivendell.
it was in a pony tail
Galadriel: Pshaw. Amateur.
and at the end was braided, we walked in a
slow pace that way I would not hurt myself again. Once we got to the dinging
hall
Merry: Which is nothing like a dining hall.
Pippin: I liked the dinging hall. Thousands of tiny bells.
we saw Legolas already talking to Aragorn,
Gandalf and Lord Elrond about me
Gandalf: …while pointing and laughing…
or Princess Arwen. We took a seat near Aragorn
and Legolas.
Lord Elrond looked at
me as if I was going to fall out of my seat but smiled “Good morning Princess.
How did you sleep?” he asked me, that almost did the trick but I chocked on my
water
Faramir: Go water!
Boromir: *to Faramir* You’re so sexy when you’re homicidal.
and looked at him and
said “WHAT?!? I am not a princess!!?! But other then that I slept fine but am I
a princess?” The others just looked at me worried once I chocked,
Faramir: They were worried that the choking might not finish her off.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I’ll blow your horn tonight, baby.
Legolas was the one who fell out of his chair
at the news.
Legolas: Not so much falling as trying to run away.
Aragorn tried to hide
his chuckle once his friend heard the news and helped him back into his chair.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* So uncalled for.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Payback for that exceptionally large child.
“Yes it is Princess
Sivlerstarlight,
Merry: Sivlerstarlight?
Elrond: She can’t even spell her own name.
Haldir: I dunno, with the quality of names thus far that might actually be it.
Arwen: Silverstarlight is bad enough as it is.
Aragorn: Okay, Evenstar.
You are a princess and
you are the lenagen of the Elves, Hobbits and Men.”
Legolas: If we don’t know what a lenagen is, can we just ignore it?
Frodo: Even if I did know what a lenagen was, I’d still ignore it.
Merry: Wait. She was the ledagen earlier on. Remember? The anagram thing?
Frodo: *to Merry* No matter, I was planning on ignoring the ledagen, too.
He said as he saw
Aragorn and Legolas chocked on there water.
Aragorn: The water’s out of control.
Haldir: But you have to admit, the fact that the heroes of Middle Earth haven’t yet mastered swallowing is amusing.
Boromir: *to Haldir* Aragorn and Legolas have mastered swallowing, alright.
Faramir: *snickers*
I just let my mouth
drop to the floor.
Legolas: Where I swiftly kicked it under the table.
“ARE YOU SURE OF THAT, MY LORD?!? SHE IS NOT
THE ONE FROM THE BOOK, IS SHE?” yelled Aragorn and Legolas,
Celeborn: …just in case Elrond wasn’t wearing his hearing aides...
I started to cry from the yelling, they
stopped and looked at me,
Aragorn: …marveling that they’d never encountered such a cry-baby…
Legolas stopped medially once he saw tears
rolling down my face and my hands over my ears.
Legolas: Medially?
Aragorn: Medically?
Legolas: Dude, no way. If I had the ability to medicate myself through this story, I’d never stop.
Lord Elrond understood
why I was crying, I had super, super keen sense of hearing
Haldir: Super, super!
Elrond: The worst repetition of an adjective in the history of words.
and I was getting ear
aches from the person who yells. I stopped crying and walked away, everyone had
there eyes on me and I hated it. The council will start soon, as I walked into
a garden, I saw the hobbits and walked over to them.
Merry: …calling after them as they ran away…
“Hello Merry, Pippin,
Sam and Frodo. How are you?” I asked and they stopped and looked at me.
Frodo: …with horror…
Frodo came forward and
said “What is your name since you already know ours? And good morning too you.”
Frodo: If I kill myself now will it retroactively erase me from this story?
“My name is Princess
Sivlerstarlight,
Pippin: How do you pronounce that, anyway?
Merry: Princess Heh-loh-Eyem-ah-Mairy-Soo.
and to you, as well.” I said and they looked
at me in awe; wow and can that be?
Sam: That wasn’t what I was thinking.
Frodo: *to Sam* What were you thinking?
Sam: About wood elves and crispy bacon.
Boromir: *to Sam* You’re one sick half-pint, you know that?
Sam: *to Boromir* That was so not what I meant.
Faramir: *to Sam* He so doesn’t care.
“You can not be the princess from the book?
Can you?” asked Sam “If you want, ask Lord Elrond he told me after I left the
dining hall from Breakfast.” I said and Merry, Pippin and Sam ran to the dining
hall for there breakfast. Frodo and I just laughed. “I guess that was a no,
Merry: We weren’t asked any questions.
Frodo: It was a no anyway. No, no no no no no! Make it stop!
but are you sure who you say you are?” asked
Frodo “Frodo Baggins if you do not believe me ask Lord Elrond about it but yes
I am, come lets go inside something is not right here in the garden.”
Aragorn: …the lawn ornament is missing…
I said and walked back with Frodo once we got
inside we saw all the guys, elves, men and wizard laughing there asses off from
the hobbits eating there food.
Gandalf: We really weren’t. We’re not that desperate for humor.
Legolas: “All the guys”? Sheer eloquence.
Aragorn: I am the king of all guys.
Arwen: *to Aragorn* Doesn’t carry the same sort of weight, does it?
I was surprised to see
the Lord and daughter laughing as well. “What is soo funny? To see Hobbits
eating since they almost missed one of there meals?” I asked in a rude and
snobby way and every one just stopped and
Legolas: …hated me…
looked at me as I walked
to the council with Frodo by my side. “You were the one who yelled at me to run
the other way once the black rider cornered me.” He said “Yes that was me, and
I am sorry for your wound. Also can I have you sign something please?
Frodo: What the fuck? She wants my autograph?
Merry: No, it’s a lease for Bag End. Now that she’s our lenagen she wants permanent residence in the Shire.
Sam: The entire hobbit population will be organized with pitchforks and torches five minutes after she moves in.
Where I am from is
well here let me show what I mean, it won’t hurt.” I said and took his hands
and showed him my world, I showed him everything that I saw from a baby to
where I am now.
Frodo: I feel really sorry for myself right now.
Aragorn: *to Frodo* You’re entitled to a good sulk in the corner.
But he was surprised
that he was in this thing and saw all of the stuff that will happen once he
goes on this quest.
Legolas: Which means we no longer need her around!
Boromir: Yay! Let
the slaughter begin!
I let go of his hands
and was breathing hard. Frodo went to get Lord Elrond but found me that I was
alright but then he saw my scar, of my fears, nightmares, my life. “Princess
where did you get that scar on your left cheek (face). And who gave it to you?”
he asked me “My X-boyfriend, Zack Moore.
Boromir: I’d blow Zack Moore’s horn for that.
He gave me this scar,
and I really do not want t talk about it right now.” I said as Legolas traced
it with his fingers,
Legolas: Must get rid of that other hand, too…
I jerked my head away
and gave him my pisst off death wish glare.
Gandalf: Is that thing patented, or what?
He understood and
hugged me to clam down
Pippin: That’s a very amusing typo.
Sauron: I concur.
I relaxed in his arms. “I will never hurt or
hit you.
Legolas: …I’ll leave that to Aragorn.
Aragorn: Damn straight!
When I see him he will
die, I promises.”
Gollum: We’ll feeds him to Shelob we will, my precious, my love.
Faramir: Zack Moore lives in Arda?
Boromir: Guess I’ll have to make good on that horn blowing.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Should I just give up on the whole “exclusivity” thing?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Pretty much.
He whispered in my ear. “I would love to see
it but right now let’s go to our seats please?” I asked him and he did.
I went to mine where
it was next to Lord Elrond,
Elrond: Of course.
I was broad out of my mind
Haldir: Hahahahaha.
Aragorn: I knew she was stretching out that dress…
from the time I sat down until Frodo said he will
take the Ring to Mrodor,
Sauron: …because he didn’t know the way to Mordor.
I just looked at him and was about to say
something but Gandalf said “I will help bare this burden,
Celeborn: …whereupon he divested himself of his robes and traumatized the Fellowship forever.
Frodo Baggins as long it’s your to bare.” Then
came Aragorn
Legolas: That’s what she gets for interrupting us on the balcony.
then Legolas and
Bromir
Boromir: Bromir?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Makes you sound like something one manipulates with a chemistry set.
Boromir: *to Faramir* You can manipulate me any way you want, Steward.
Faramir: *purrs*
then the other
hobbits. “You will all so join them, Princess Sivlerstarlight.” Said Lord
Elrond,
Elrond: Never saw THAT coming!
Saruman: In the sense that, we knew it was coming from the start.
everyone had left except the fellowship, Lord
Elrond and I.
That is when I
exploded
Legolas: Yay, it came true!
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT
ME IN THIS FUCKING QUEST?!!! I ALREADY SEEN IT A ZILLON TIMES!!! I KNOW WHAT
WILL HAPPEN TO ALL OF THEM!!!
Frodo: So stop shouting and fill everyone in on the details so we can get on with the whole drop-kick-into-the-raging-river thing.
WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO
GO ON THE FUKING QUEST?!!
Merry: Fuking Quest sort of sounds like a Chinese restaurant.
Pippin: Mmm. Mu shu.
JUST TO PROTECT
BORIMIR
Boromir: She’s getting warmer…
AND GANDALF FROM DIEING??!!! HELL NO!!!!”
Gandalf: Thank you. At this point dying is preferable to carrying on with this story.
I yelled and walked
out of the council and went to my room before he or any one could say anything
to me. “Well that went well, don’t ya think?” asked Pippin and Merry whacked
him over the head
Merry: That’s pretty realistic, actually.
as Legolas and Lord
Elrond went to my room, but the door was locked.
Haldir: And being the Lord of Imladris, Elrond did not possess a master key.
“Princess Sivlerstarlight
please opens this door right now!” said Lord Elrond but I was already out of my
bedroom and ran to the stables and grapped Legolas horse and glappoded away.
Aragorn: Is “glappoded” anything like “exploded”?
Legolas: I’m still clinging to hope.
I changed into my skin tight jeans and shirt.
I knew that the grads did know or who I was except to let me out of the city.
Éowyn: I must really be drunk. I can’t make any sense of that whatsoever.
Éomer: You sobered up a while ago, sis. Ran out of Ithilien hooch.
Éowyn: So what the fuck’s going on with the grads?
Éomer: It’s a mystery.
It was getting dark
before I rode back, I changed into the dress Legolas gave me and rode in
Rivendell. Legolas was waiting by the stables and saw me. “Where did you go?
Why did you leave us?
Legolas: And WHY are you back? WHY GOD, WHY?
We were just trying to
help you.” He said, I put my lips on his to make him shut up.
Aragorn: A tactic I often employ.
Legolas: *sighs dreamily*
He relaxed once I kissed him and I let him
enter my mouth.
Legolas: Must cut out my tongue, as well…
He pulled away gently
and said “I take that as talk about it later?” “You got it and is Lord Elrond
mad at me?” I asked him “A little bit, but he does not understand why you left
Rivendell. And he is sorry for yelling at you.”
Elrond: I thought she was the one who yelled at me?
Gandalf: She did. She totally flipped a shit.
Elrond: So why am I apologizing? I asked her nicely to open her door. I didn’t even use ALL CAPS.
Boromir: You’re apologizing because you invited the crazy bint in the first place.
He said “Because
thoughts and memories where racing through my mind, I couldn’t handle all of it
at once. Plus Gandalf and Broimir
Boromir: My French doppelganger.
Faramir: Really hot in a beret.
will die on this
quest.” I said and walked back to my room to find the fellowship, Arwen and
Lord Elrond waiting for me to open the door.
I stopped and hid
behind Legolas as Lord Elrond looked at us. “Help, me.” I whispered in his ear.
He took my hand and squeezed it a little. “Princess come out of hiding please?
I will not yell at you, I would never do that again to my grand daughter.”
Elrond: Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m outta here. Fuck you all. Fuck Middle Earth. Let the Mary Sue have us.
Aragorn: *to Arwen* Go after him, and take the blowgun and tranquilizer dart.
Said Lord Elrond, that
did it. I came out of hiding and looked very surprised that he was my
grandfather and Arwen was my aunt! “WHAT?!?!?!?!” asked everyone except Lord Elrond,
Arwen and
Merry: All in all, a stunning display of Mary Sue-dom.
Everyone stopped and
asked me again “I can talk in your minds like Lady Galadriel; she is my great
grand mother.” I said a little louder. And everyone was quite.
Saruman: …quite nonplussed.
I went around to the
balcony and unlocked the door and remained in my room. Lord Elrond came in to
check up on me and saw the sadness in my eyes, I was thinking about home, my
friends, family and most of all Elijah and Orlando.
Frodo: Let the eye-rolling commence.
They made me laugh, happy and loved.
Legolas: They were just after her Trapper Keeper.
Now my heart is back to
this tight, tight, tight black steel ball
Faramir: *to Boromir* What are you doing?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Ringing Zack Moore.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Hornblowing?
Boromir: *to Faramir* No, actually, I was taking out a hit on Elrond’s grandkid, there.
Galadriel: *to Elrond* Will you let your granddaughter stand alone?
Elrond: *to Galadriel* Hell yeah. Princess Summerfallwinterspring makes me wish I’d been chemically castrated.
to not let anything in or out.
“What are you thinking
about Princess?” he asked me, I looked at him and said “Home, friends, family
but most of all my best friends in the whole world, Elijah Wood and
I don’t know what to
do because my heart never came back to this tight steel ball: it doesn’t let
anything in or out, just sadness and loneliness.”
Saruman: *yawn*
Sauron: *to Saruman* C’mon, this is her big dramatic moment. It’s compelling.
Saruman: *to Sauron* You need a hobby.
Gimli: *to Saruman* I’ll lend him a boat.
He understood and
handed me this crown “What is this?” I asked him “This is your crown, your
mother and father would want you to have it.
Elrond: Actually, they’d want me to bludgeon her to death with it.
Also if you do go back
with out any of us now then the crown can let you see us, Frodo, Sam, Merry,
Pippin, Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, and I, if you like?”
Boromir: But not me. I’m bummed.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Really?
Boromir: *to Faramir* Notsomuch.
he said “Thank you, but
I can not take this.” I said “But you have to, it belongs to you and you only,
Toria.”
Merry: What a nauseating nickname.
Legolas: Says “Merry.”
Merry: Says “Leggy.”
Aragorn: *to Merry* He is leggy. Luscious long lovely legs…
Arwen: *to Aragorn* Cut it out, there’s not enough of Gollum’s patch to go around.
He said and left it on
my dresser and left my room.
That night I went for
a walk, my mind kept on thinking of Elijah and Orlando.
Legolas: Who, back on Earth, were celebrating her absence.
Celeborn: That’s where the bubbly went!
I took some turns but
then heard these elves or who ever talking “So her birthday is only two days
away, what we are going to do?” asked one of them “I was thinking that we can
surprise her. Or have a normal party.”
Frodo: Let me guess: It’s Mary Sue’s birthday.
Aragorn: Let me guess: Legolas will give her a birthday kiss.
Boromir: Let me guess: Aragorn will give her a beheading.
Said another. I hid
behind a pillar and listen to my companions ideas, but they left as the night
wore on.
I walked until I found
Frodo’s chamber, I snuck into his room and saw him sleeping and turn on his
right side. I just grabbed one of the blankets that was in his closet and one
of the bellows
Aragorn: What, is Frodo sleeping in the smithy?
and laded down on the
floor. I cried that night as I cried in my life, surely sleep took over and I
fell asleep.
Pippin: Surely if she fell asleep, sleep took over.
Merry: Surely.
In the morning I got
stepped on in my stomach.
Boromir: Good boy, Frodo.
“Ohhhh!! I am sooo sorry Toria,
Frodo: Can you feel the sarcasm? Cuz I’m feelin’ it.
I didn’t even seen you down there.” He said as
I curled into a tight ball. “That is ok…….I sorda needed……it
Éowyn: *to Faramir* She’s almost as big a glutton for punishment as you.
Boromir: *to Éowyn* We like you better when you’re incoherent.
but ……what do you want
for breakfast?” I asked as I gasped for air. Frodo got up and out of his bed;
Sam: Hang about. If Frodo was still in bed, who was stomping on her stomach?
Aragorn: *whistles*
while he was doing
this I got up and sat in a chair that was next to his bed. “I am sorry about
this but…….*gasp* I couldn’t sleep last night, and I am sooo sorry………..*gasp*”
I said as my head was in between my legs
Éomer: Now THAT’S kinky.
trying to get air in
my lungs. *MAN! He had to wake up once I was about to fall asleep!!
Sam: Hang about. I thought sleep surely took over etc.?
Frodo: *to Sam* We’re almost done, Sam. Let this one slide.
And god damn this hurts!!
Boromir: Good.
But he has good aim,
he hit me in my stomach.* I thought to myself as I felt hands ribbing my back,
that’s when I looked up. I saw Frodo helping me with breathing.
Merry: *to Frodo* I told you not to take Lamaze classes.
Frodo: *shrugs* There was nothing better on at the Hobbiton rec center.
“Frodo? Can I come
in?” asked Sam through the door “Yes, you can come in. What is wrong Sam?”
asked Frodo as he walk over to the door and open it as Sam came in he saw me;
my head in between my legs and trying to get some air into my lungs. “I stepped
on her once she was asleep and now she has been getting air into her lungs and
I think it is working.”
Legolas: Funny how that helps the whole breathing thing.
Haldir: Right now not so much funny as tragic, really.
Said Frodo “Well the
others and I came up with an idea and well I can’t say it because it has to do
with Toria.” Said Sam I got up and said “I was just heading out and maybe try
to…..*caugh* gets some air into me, see ya Frodo….*caugh caugh*”
Aragorn: Which is less a coughing sound and more a cat-choking-on-a-hairball sound.
Legolas: Suits her.
Aragorn: Indeed.
I headed towards my
chamber and got dressed. “There you are! I was worried about you, Toria.” Said
Aunt Arwen
Arwen: Don’t call me that, bitch.
Aragorn: The family Christmas ought to be especially fun this year.
“I was sleeping in
Frodo’s room, on the floor and he stepped on me. And now I am paying for it
*caugh caugh*” I said and gasped for air as I caughed “Well we can take a walk
to help your breathing if you like?” she said “Ok, and thanks.” I said and we
took a walk you know the ones that it is very silence that someone is hiding a
secret from someone else, that kind of walk.
Legolas: You know, that kind of walk.
Aragorn: What
kind of walk?
Frodo: You know, that kind of walk.
Boromir: Oh THAT kind of walk.
“So I here my birthday
is coming up.
Merry: This is news to her?
Who is coming? And how
many presents are there?” I asked her, she just smiled and said “Well who ever
you want and yes there will be lots of presents, but not a lot ok?
Legolas: Lots, but not a lot.
Aragorn: Ok.
Also here; this is
from Legolas.” She said and handed me the letter; it read:
Dear Princess
Silverstarlight,
I hope you will come
on this quest,
Legolas: I was thinking we could dress her up as Boromir and set her loose on Amon Hen.
I know you are not up to it BUT it has to do
with your mother and father.
Sauron: No, it really doesn’t.
So please come and
have a nice day.
Gríma: Drive through please.
Sincerely yours,
Prince Legolas
Greenleaf of Mirkwood
That did it that made
me as mad as I was at the council, “Where is he? I have to talk to him.” I said
in calm tone. “He is in the garden, why?” she said “Oh nothing. I will see you
later!” I shouted over my shoulder as I ran towards the garden and found him
there setting with my grandfather.
Boromir: Like elf-shaped Jell-O molds.
Pippin: Mmm, Jell-O.
I came up to them and
said in a very pissted off tone “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?!! MY PARENTS
WOULDN’T WANTED ME TO GO ON THIS FUCKING QUEST OF YOURS!! I STILL HAVE ENOUGH
TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND EVERY TIME YOU GUYS SEND ME A LETTER OR SAY
ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT I WILL JUST NOT GO!! AND HERE lord Elrond I will be in
the woods!!”
Elrond: *to Gandalf* I’m going to feed her to a huorn.
Gandalf: Ahhh.
I said and walked off,
*What the hell does he or them think I will be doing staying here after they leave!?!?!
Aragorn: That’s what we were hoping…
HELL NO!! I will go
Éomer: See? Do not trust to hope.
BUT I need to cool down and thank you Legolas
for making me mad today!
Legolas: She’s
totally welcome. Any day I can piss off
Boromir: Piss off, cut down in cold blood. Whatever.
* I thought to myself
as I walked into the woods.
“What was that all
about Legolas?” asked Lord Elrond “I wrote her a letter but I thought she would
not get mad, I guess I was wrong.” He said “Can I read the letter?”
Elrond: You can tell this is fiction.
Gandalf: …why?
Elrond: In reality I wouldn’t have cared enough to read it.
asked Lord Elrond
“Yes, here…..” said Legolas and handed him the letter. Lord Elrond read it and understood
why I got so mad at them “Legolas, please do not write to my grand daughter
like this again or you two will not see each other again
Legolas: I’m starting a letter-writing campaign.
and I do not want that
to happen to her and if you are wondering why is because she will go back and
we will not know when. But if we talk to her nicely and not talk about her
father, mother and the quest then she will stay here.
Saruman: *to Elrond* Well, at least you know which topics to include in “Imladris Today.”
Elrond: *to Saruman* Front page. Large font. Bold type.
Now go find her, she
is hurting in her heart and I am afraid she will die and she is all I have left
of her mother.” Said Lord Elrond
*Grandfather Help……….*
I thought to him and pasted out next to some rocks.
Elrond: Wow. She was literally hurting in her heart.
Théoden: Must’ve been, to paste out like that.
Blackness all around
me I am running away from something that I don’t want to know; death. I see the
light but it is still far away. It getting closer and closer……………………
Merry: Is that Morse code?
“Lord Elrond she will
be awaking soon so be easy on her, alright?” said Yenisey the maid.
Elrond: Whom I promptly fired, then had fed to the wolves of Isengard.
“Alright.” Was all
Lord Elrond said as he sat in his chair outside of my chamber, Aunt Arwen was
setting next to him as Aragorn, Gandalf and Gimli.
Gimli: I think that’s the first mention I’ve had in one of these.
Legolas: *to Gimli* Feel special?
Gimli: *to Legolas* I feel violated.
Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Bromir,
Boromir: *sighs*
and Legolas passed back and forth. Back inside
my chamber I open my eyes slowly, “Where am I? Where is Legolas, Frodo, Elrond and
Aunt Arwen?” I asked over and over again. “You are in Rivendell, and the others
are outside waiting for you.” Said Areay.
I went back to sleep and slept for 3 and half
days.
Haldir: The happiest 3.5 days in Middle Earth history.
Sauron: How long
did you guys wait before setting off on your quest of
Lord Elrond checked up
on me as soon as he could through out those days.
I was walking around
the next day with Frodo and the other hobbits, I was laughing my ass off
because of there mistakes and other things once they got in troubled.
Frodo: I’m troubled. Troubled that she keeps including me in these obnoxious larks.
I spent the mornings with my grandfather and
in the afternoon with the hobbits, then in the evening with my aunt Arwen.
Sometimes with Legolas but I was still pissted off at him and he understands
until we didn’t see each other for a week.
Legolas: Ah, happy week.
That hurt my heart and when I was done with
the hobbits I am going to see him.
“Well I have to talk
to Legolas please excuses me.”
Gollum: We don’t excuses you, Mary Sueses.
I said and hugged each of them and walked away
to where I would find him, in the arching area.
Haldir: Arching area?
Boromir: …arching beneath Aragorn.
And I did but he was kissing
another lady,
Aragorn: She only saw me from behind.
that made me cry once he looked up he came
over to me and said “Toria I didn’t mean it please understand me. I did not
kiss her she kissed me,
Boromir: *to Faramir* Same excuse you tried when I caught you with Éowyn that one and only time.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Except that, from behind, you thought she was a man.
Boromir: *to Faramir* No no. I saw her straight on.
please do not cry please?” I turned and ran
away from all of them, the hobbits, elves, humans, everyone. I rode until I
couldn’t see anything in front of me.
Legolas: I need to teach Bezel to throw her every few feet.
*Frodo can you here
me?* I thought to him *yes I can,
Frodo: …STFU.
why did you run away
from us? What did Legolas said to you?* He asked me *I saw him kiss another
girl and it hurts my heart badly and I don’t know what to do?* * well you
should come back and where are you?* *I don’t know but I know I am in the woods
of some sort, why?* * Because every male elf is looking for you, even me!
Frodo: Only I’m not an elf.
Legolas: And none of the male elves were looking for her.
Arwen: Or the female elves, for that matter.
Galadriel: You lot need to lay off my great-granddaughter. Can we help it she’s one of Eru’s “special children”?
Now which way did you
go?* *I don’t know all I do know is that it’s dark and I am getting scared.*
*Ok well are you in the Rivendell forest?* * I think so but I fell off my horse
once
Legolas: Remind me to give Bezel a carrot.
orcs acted me
Peter Jackson: Without direction.
so I don’t know if I am in a cave or not?*
Merry: Well, is there scuttling behind you?
Pippin: *as Mary Sue* Yes…?
Merry: Quick, run in towards the scuttling!
Gollum: *sings* Pretty little fly…
*ok I see where you fell off and you are in a
cave go back where you came in ok?* *alright, wait I see the light of you guys
making,
Faramir: Making what?
Aragorn: *to Faramir* You so don’t want to know.
tell my grandfather to come but don’t have
Legolas please?* *no we are all coming and you have to face him even though it
hurts your heart!
Frodo: If I never again see or hear the phrase “hurts my heart,” or any variation thereof, I’ll consider myself the luckiest hobbit since…since…
Pippin: Since Faffy from Hardbottle. After he beat the child endangerment charge he won the lottery.
Merry: And put in a proper pool by the school yard. Where he still lounges naked.
Pippin: He says it’s something called “double jeopardy.”
You have to face your
fears
“FRODO?!?!!” I shouted
and hugged him with my life and looked at him, he could tell that today was not
one of those days for me and felt sorry for me that I have to go through this
by myself. “OVER HERE!!! I FOUND HER!!!” he shouted as everyone ran over to me,
my dress was torn from the fall and the acted.
Elrond: Okay. I appreciate that this chick can’t spell, has no grasp of grammar or style, and possesses a worse vocabulary than Glorfindel. So I am trying to be patient with this. But what exactly is “the acted”? We know from prior context that “acted” is something orcs can do.
Gandalf: Answering that question would require much sleuthing. Let’s begin by determining which words, beginning with “a,” could possibly fit the bill. Failing that, we’ll progress to finding words that might sound like “acted” if “acted” was their phonetic pronunciation. If that doesn’t work, then we’ll…
Elrond: *to Gandalf* You know what? I stopped caring three words into your reply.
Arwen: So much for patience.
Elrond: I did say I was only TRYING to be patient.
I had dirt all over
but no one cared
All: True.
as long I was alive, I
stopped once I saw my Aunt I ran over to her and hugged her. “Easy my niece
easy.” She said and hugged me back, all I wanted was my mother and that is it!
But Arwen is my aunt so I guess she will do for now until I see my Great,
Great, Great Grandmother.
Galadriel: I’ve been upgraded, it seems.
Celeborn: Given a couple extra “greats.”
Haldir: I’ve always said Galadriel’s extra great.
Legolas: *to Haldir* Sad little arse kisser.
“Come let’s go home ok?” she asked, I looked
at her with lots of pain in my eyes
Gollum: Because we stabs them out.
and nodded. We walked out as I stuck to her
like glue
Arwen: Who has the solvent, again?
Legolas: *raises hand*
and to Rivendell,
Legolas was standing next to my Grandfather who looked at me and was surprised
that I was not dead.
“GRANFATHER!!!” I
shouted and jumped off of my horses and ran to him and hugged him as well as I
did to my Aunt Arwen. “Are you alright? Frodo said all the things you thought
to him. And Legolas has something to say to you.” He said and I looked at
Legolas’s shoes not even looking into his eyes but I forced my self to. “Lady
Legolas: Sorry, Frodo, but you no longer have my bow. Mary Sue’s mad at me.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* You’re just using this as an excuse to get away from her.
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Can you blame me?
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Not in the least. Still, I think you should tough it out. We’ll invite Faramir and between Denethor’s boys and us, we should scare her off in no time.
He said “No I do want
to see you but why? Why did you kiss her? I was going to talk to you today but
I guess it was out of the picture.” I said as the tears rolled down my face.
Aragorn: *to Legolas* You managed to avoid talking to her AND to make her cry, all in one go!
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Just like shooting two arrows simultaneously, really. No sweat.
Haldir: You guys do realize she’s actually engaging Legolas in conversation now, right?
Legolas: *to Aragorn* One arrow. God damned Galadhrim bow.
“I did not kiss her,
she kissed me, I saw something on her back
Faramir: That’d be the “kick me” sign Boromir stuck there earlier.
but she took it as a kiss
Legolas: Whoever the chick is must be a really inexperienced kisser.
Aragorn: Or she has a mouth on her back.
Galadriel: One of the rare defective elves, then.
Elrond: Kinda like Glorfindel.
and once she saw you she slapped me for YOU!
And I called the gareds on her
Gríma: …but they became so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the fuck they were that they never did show up.
and now she is in jail because of it.”
Elrond: We’ve really taken a bite out of crime in Imladris, these days.
He said and wiped my face I closed my eyes;
trying to see them and I chuckled seeing the guards taking her away I opened
them and gave him another hug
Aragorn: *to Legolas* When was the first hug?
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Fuck knows, but at this rate I’m going to have to amputate both arms, too.
“Please don’t do this
again please? And did you know that it is my Birthday?” I said into his
shoulder and my legs grew weak but Legolas picked me up and walked to my
chambers as I looked over his shoulder I saw my Grandfather smiling at us *I
wonder why he is smiling
Elrond: Because he knows Legolas is going to strangle you, Victoria.
Arwen: Happy fucking birthday, bitch.
but oh well it has been a long day! Frodo
after I eat do you want to talk?* I thought to him after I thought to my self
*uuuhhhh………I can’t I have to talk to Lord Elrond about the girl and I am sorry*
Elrond: Don’t bother, really, I’m fine. Go bug Frodo.
Frodo: *to Elrond* You should have let me become a wraith.
*Don’t be I understand completely and talked
to him as long as you want ok? Well I will see you later alright?* * Ok see you
later Lady Victoria.* He thought and once Legolas got to my chamber the maids
took my clothes off as he was shoved outside my door “I want him in here!!”
Aragorn: *growls*
Legolas: *to Aragorn* I already saw her naked once. You have nothing to worry about.
I yelled at them once I got into the tube.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* Mailing tube?
Elrond: *to Gandalf* Yeah, I’m posting her to Minas Morgul. I’m hoping they’ll let a fell beast feast on her flesh.
Gandalf: *to Elrond* How do you know they’ll do that?
Elrond: *to Gandalf* I marked the tube “live feed.”
They opened the door for him and he walked in
but went to the balcony that way he would not get into truble.
After I took my bath I
got shoved into a roily blue elven dress
Arwen: Somebody really needs to get her a dress in her size.
Saruman: “Roily” means “agitated vigorously.”
Boromir: In that case, I’m roily.
Faramir: All the time.
Boromir: *to Faramir* I’m pretty chill when I’m smoking hobbit weed.
Faramir: *to Boromir* Or in afterglow.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Or enjoying a nice hot bubble bath with a pipe full of hobbit weed and you just coming up for air.
Aragorn: *to Faramir* I have never been happier to have kicked you out of Minas Tirith.
Faramir: *to Aragorn* You’re the one who commissioned that bathtub with a three-person capacity as a housewarming gift.
Legolas: I love that tub.
Aragorn: …honeybunch?
and had my hair in a pony tail after I took
all the braids, knots, and stuff out. “Legolas, you can turn around now I am done
and what do you think?”
Legolas: I think you’d look cute with this paper bag over your head…
I said and walked over to him as he turned
around and looked at me with his eyes glued and his mouth shut.
Legolas: That way I would neither have to look at her nor speak to her.
“You look very beautiful and what do you want
to eat milady?”
Frodo: Why the hell is everybody asking that question?
Sam: Ironically, I don’t think any of the hobbits have asked it, yet.
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: Yes, Pip?
Pippin: I know what I want to eat.
Merry: Pippin, if this has to do with those fucking apples, I’m going to burn down every orchard in the Shire.
he said “I would like a sandwich, turkey
please?” I said to one of the maids,
Gandalf:
Elrond: All four of them, even.
Gandalf: *mutters*
she nodded “Make that two please?” said
Legolas
Haldir: *to Legolas* Still eating for two?
Legolas: *to Haldir* FOAD.
and Areay went out and I just looked up at the
stars; shining like street lights but they would last forever once the night
was done.
Arwen: Great. Now I have to hate my nickname. This story is ruining my life.
I remembered once I
was out of my house and it was cold out but I didn’t care if I caught a cold or
not I love the stars. “What are you thinking about?” he asked me, I looked down
from the stars to him and said “How I would get lost and my home and other
things why do you ask?” “Oh well you look sad once you look at the stars and I
was wondering if you were alright?” he said I just smiled and said “No with the
stars I am happy because I don’t see them during the day and they make me happy
sometimes.
Elrond: What the fuck?
Gandalf: *to Elrond* Querying anything in particular?
Elrond: *to Gandalf* The entire paragraph. Hell, the entire story!
Gandalf: *to Elrond* Ahh, painting with a broad “what the fuck?” brush.
But I am fine; you
don’t have to worry about me.”
Legolas: Okey doke!
“Yes I do,
Legolas: No, I don’t.
I always worry about you especially today,
malein.”
Aragorn: *to Legolas* Is that some kind of Mirkwoodian term of endearment?
Legolas: *to Aragorn* I've never seen that word before in my life.
Sauron: Child’s play, boys. It’s black speech for “she who makes me relinquish the One Ring to the Eye and pray for a swift end.”
He said as he walked closer to me, I looked
back up to the stars and smiled; I saw a shooting star and I made a wish a wish
that I would stay here forever, with Legolas by my side.
Legolas: Reuniting Sauron with Isildur’s Bane is sounding better and better.
But then I didn’t see
him or anything for that madder, I woke up breathing heavily and asked “Where
am I?” “You are in the hospital and thank god your wake, Toria!” said Elijah
Frodo: *sighs*
Sam: Guys? I think this thing is really breaking him.
Gollum: Master fared betters with the precious, he dids.
I looked around and a felt the lonely pain in
my heart. I saw Orlando and I cried into him, because he was wearing his custom
of Legolas and that made me think of him.
Aragorn:
Legolas: Total
fiction. At this point,
“Easy, Toria I’m here,
shush...”
Boromir: *as
he said I calm down and then I rubbed my
forehead and felt my crown, I took it off and they asked “What is that?” I just
smiled and said “It’s my crown and if any of you take it away from me I will
give you something to remember for years to come!”
Haldir: Well,
there goes
Legolas: *to Haldir* My alter ego hates you, too.
they nodded a yes and stayed with me for the
rest of the day as I went back to sleep.
The End….or is it?
Boromir: It is.
Faramir: Or we’ll have to make sure it is.
Aragorn: Say, Boromir, whatever happened to Zack Moore?
Boromir: The pussy got lost in The Dead Marshes, so I told him to go ahead and take a refreshing swim while he was there.
Faramir: *to Boromir* We can take care of it ourselves, anyway.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Your bow, my blade. Unstoppable.
Faramir: *to Boromir* And the horn…
Boromir: *to Faramir* Oh yeah. Let’s roll. I wanna polish your horn before I give it a blow.
Faramir: *purrs*
Legolas: *to Aragorn* Technically, aren’t the horns in Gondor meant to summon the armies of the west?
Aragorn: *to Legolas* The last time Boromir blew his little brother’s horn in Ithilien I heard Faramir from the top of Ecthelion.
Éomer: We heard it in Edoras, but I figured we’d take our chances and wait for the beacons.
Aragorn: Kinda sounds less like a horn rallying armies and more like a man being eaten alive by a pack of wargs.
Legolas: Boromir always makes us scream. He’s full of tricks.
Aragorn: *glares* Legolas…
Legolas: *to Aragorn* He has one of those things that give you an electric shock when you shake his hand. Full of tricks I tell you! That’s all I meant! Honest! Gollum, tell him how tricksy Boromir is!
Gollum: *to Legolas* It be on its own for this one, precious.
Faramir: Guys, I just scored some weed from Pippin. *to Aragorn* You and Leggy wanna come over for some smoke, horn blowing, and a hot bubble bath?
Aragorn: *to Faramir* Sounds good to me. Just tell Boromir not to take out that thing that gives you shocks when you shake hands with him…
Boromir: Uh, I’ll have no trouble refraining from using that…thing.
Éomer: *to Éowyn* Have any of that hooch left?
Éowyn: *to Éomer* No, but follow me back to Emyn Arnen; I’ve got a case stored under the bed.
Boromir: *to Faramir* Should we tell her that she’s been “drunk” on the .10% alcohol reject batch?
Faramir: *to Boromir* Nah. I’m gonna amuse the rangers with this for months.
Saruman: *to Théoden* …so take a right at Fangorn, and you’ll be there. Tell her Saruman sent you and she’ll cut you a break.
Sauron: *to Saruman* Call girl?
Saruman: *to Sauron* My beautician. Théoden’s getting the full treatment for his date tonight.
Pippin: I’m glad that’s done.
Merry: If I had ale I’d drink to that.
Frodo: *to Merry* Wanna blow this joint and hit The Green Dragon?
Merry: *to Frodo* I want to give Pippin a crack at the refreshment table first.
Pippin: *to Merry* I don’t feel like refreshments today.
Merry: *presses hand to Pippin’s forehead* Are you feeling alright, Pip?
Pippin: *to Merry* Yeah. I’m just upset they did away with the apples. Not even pastries and punch can cheer me up.
Sam: *to Merry* Just give him a goddamned apple already. Rosie’s holding our favorite table!
Merry: *to Sam* Me? I don’t have any apples. I never did.
Pippin: You know what, Merry?
Merry: What, Pip?
Pippin: *to Merry* I’m gonna knife you in your sleep.
Haldir: I’m depressed.
Galadriel: *to Haldir* What’s wrong, pet?
Haldir: *to Galadriel* I wanted more of the Aragorn/Legolas sub-plot.
Celeborn: *to Haldir* There wasn’t an Aragorn/Legolas sub-plot in this story.
Haldir: *to Celeborn* I meant the one going on here.
Elrond: *to Arwen* I kinda liked that dart. Got any more?
Arwen: *to Elrond* Aragorn’s got a stockpile in Ecthelion. Ever since the whole “cake” incident.
Gandalf: Party in
the
Lurtz, Gothmog, and Witch-King of Angmar: Well, ladies and gents. It’s that time again. Tune in next week for more commentary hijinks. Same lame channel, same lame time.
Crebain from Dunland: Maybe we’ll have another part to play!
Saruman: *to Crebain from Dunland* I doubt it. Hunting season starts tomorrow.